Life. Live it the way you want.

Many a times, i open up blogger, type a few words and backspace them all.
The truth is, i no longer know how to open up to others, to wear my heart on my sleeves.
I wonder if it is because my life is mundane or i no longer have or see the need to.

Went for a job interview yesterday and the senior director jolted me awake.
That was the first time such an empowering woman interviewed me.
I was scared and behaved so, to which she asked: ' Are you really confident you can handle this job? We have targets for you and the clients you are speaking to are older than you. How are you going to handle them? All i see is a little girl in front of me.'

I don't have any experience and i do admit i'm pampered.
I was shocked by her words but it is the cold hard truth and i admitted that i am not suitable for that job, to which she sent me home of course.
During the whole train ride home, i kept wondering:' What do i want with my life?'
Finding a part-time job is already so tough and i am 60% confident my A-level is in the drains.
If i can't enter university, what will happen to me?

And then i thought about my dreams.
Florist, Nurse, Astronaut, Hotel manager, wedding planner....
They all exists as dreams unless i do smth and turn them into reality.
The only way to achieve my dreams is to stop dreaming and start doing.
Sounds ironic.

I don't know what i want with my life, actually.
Exclusive only trip, guaranteed to be a trip full of ups and downs.
I'm afraid to make choices, i'm afraid of the consequences and the what ifs...
What if the ending is not smth i want?
What if its all a waste and i'm worse off than i began?
What if...
But what if it all ends well?
What if i don't take the first step and spent the rest of my life regretting?

"'What' and ‘if’ 2 words as non threatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side & they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."
- Letters from Juliet

I have tons of questions and problems.
But i know, the only person who can find those answers and solutions is myself.
Lost in this tangled web called life.
I really hope i can find myself soon.
I really hope i can figure out what i want with my life.



Hopefully.


Xoxo,
Zhongyun