12.09am

Officially 23.
Officially a graduate.
Officially unemployed.

No one ever told me that the 20s will be filled with so much confusion.
I always thought the teenage rebellious years would be the most confusing, little did I realise that would be nth compared to now.
Fresh out of college, I am at the most confusing point of my life yet.
I have no idea what I want to do, I have little confidence of what I am capable of, and suddenly I feel so lost in the big big world.

Life is a series of choices and decision making. But I feel i've never been hit with so much decision making in the past week.
Getting that job offer from NHB and then rejecting it - and it all took only 2 days with tons of advice sought.
Now, I have obtained an internship at a film production company, with little knowledge of what to expect and whether I am mentally prepared for it.

Its the uncertainties that are killing me and my confidence slowly and gradually....
Failure, I have deep fear of it. What ifs? The pessimism in me nags at me every single second - what if this is not what I want? What if it doesn't work out? What if I can't take it? What if I fail?

But, what if this is exactly what i want?
Clarity, that's what I need right now. Yet, I'm continuously swimming in the murky waters of the 20s.
There's so much I need to learn - FIND A CAREER, get a permanent full time job, learn about financial planning, get a BF and get married, start a family blah blah.
This is how life is supposed to be, isn't it?
And I almost seem late to the game, late in the race. I'm still an immature child who can't take hardships.

I have been self-reflecting a lot these past few days.
What do I really want? That ans still eludes me, but I do know I won't get the ans just by thinking or sitting on my butt.
It's only through doing that I will know.
So what if I fail? I can always start over again, it is never too late.

Have faith in yourself. Believe. You can do it, Zhongyun, you can and you will.