Of Realism & Escapism

Leaving takes courage; Doing the right thing requires wisdom. (Kit, 2017)

It's the last day of 2017 and i'm spending it quietly at home in bed (partially coz I'm sick), playing ballads in the background.

Where should I even begin recapping 2017?

Out of my 25 years, I think this year was the most eventful of all.
Thinking back, most of my memories that I can recall, were all tied together with Alvin and gang.
I've never experienced so much happiness and passion, and yet at the same time, so much anger, grief and sadness.
And... never thought I would be someone who is so princessy/demanding and capable of saying hurtful stuff to people.

When asked, people always describe me as friendly, nice, genuine and bubbly.
So, that's how I perceived my own identity as well.
But, I think when I enter a RS, I become selfish and I haven't achieve the ability to compromise.
Loving an emotionally unavailable man is hard, leaving him was difficult too.

The above quote was summarised by Kit, a good friend I met in HDB.
She was a large part of my 2017 as well, one of the better parts.
Both of us have had an eventful 2017. Well... actually I would say hers is more life changing.
And the lessons...

I watched this TedTalk ytd on searching for love to escape ourselves:

It made me think...
Was I using 'love' as an excuse to escape the pain of growing up and finding out who I am?
Perhaps I was. I am lonely and I sought attention, which was the vibe I gave out and that was how the varied number of guys all magically seem to appear one after another throughout 2017.
I never had a break in between.
And I accepted them all, before rejecting them all.
Alvin termed me as a player, I see it rather as someone who is lost.

And the end, saw me going with the flow... and getting hurt along the process.
I think, my curiosity was satisfied in 2017. On how a bad boy/player/narcissist functions.
On hindsight, the ending was actually already determined from the start.
Perhaps we both knew it, but we just didn't know when and how.
I miss our memories made in 2017, but those memories remain... only sometimes it seems like faded memory and one pops up randomly once in awhile.

Thank you for the passion in the first 2 weeks and in Seoul.
At least the photos and videos, will always remain.

Went Jack's place for housewarming ytd with Xiangyun, WangChi and Ruofan.
Never thought we would be in contact, afterall we didn't stay in contact for 16 years? lol
It was so fun we ended the night at 2am, played 三国杀for the first time... and I realised I really miss this feeling of together-ness.
(But, I must say I really am very demanding and always wanting pple to give in to me lol!)

For 2018, I want to leave my shame and fear of vulnerability behind.
I want to accept myself for who I am right now - genuine, bubbly, friendly and demanding/princessy Zy.
And I want to improve on the bad parts while strengthening the good parts of me.
Most importantly, I want to make new memories - in my new workplace, with new people I meet.

Thank you B, for being in my 2017.
2018, I'm ready to heal and embrace myself fully.

__________________
Wanted to text him so badly.
To apologise and tell him I realised my mistake.
But I stopped myself just in time, because... what's the point? What's my intention in texting him?
If nth's gonna change, it's just plain selfish of me.
And... deep down I would expect a reply, but I know that reply wouldn't come. Because I know him.
That would mean double hurt, for me especially.
haha so I stopped myself.

I think the biggest lesson learnt in 2017 - is that the world does not revolve around you Zy. Every choice you make, everything you do, you have to bear the consequences.
And this is on you, this time, its all on you.

Happy New Year.

Merry Merry Xmas, Lonely Lonely Xmas

Christmas used to be one of my fav festive seasons, simply because everyone's in festive mood.
But, I think the most memorable Christmas I'll rmb, will be this year's.
落单的恋人最怕过节。。。
My 2017 Xmas materialised this sentence haha

I've stopped crying, that's something good.
But the constant rehashing of our last convo and trying to make sense of the whole rs...
What I did wrong, what can be done better, is making me lose sleep.
Although I've been keeping myself busy by going out, and have even stopped talking about him (simply because I got tired of repeating the story)
I feel like I've moved on, but some part of me still feels there lacks a proper closure.
I guess I'll need more time.

2017 has been drama-filled.
From the dating app guys, Youliang, Good Guy, GBB to eventually Mr Blue.
And in between, the drama of losing my job and getting a new job.
It has only been 12 months, but 1 year does make a lot of difference.
For one, I've become more guarded and less bubbly.
Somedays, I miss the old me. Other days, I feel I was too sheltered in the past and I am way stronger now.

My first rs was a failure, and it only lasted 4 months.
But I've known him for almost a year, it seems apt that we drew a close in Dec, since I met him in Jan this year.
Mr Blue has been a large part of my 2017, and even though we ended on a bad note, I believe one day I'll look back and thank him.
But for now, I'll probably skip South Korea for hol in the near future and try not to think about our memories in the places we've been to in SG.

I think I loved the fantasy of who he was in the start... but that was not who he is, as the days went by, it became clearer.
Not gonna draw the victim card here, I made a lot of mistakes as well in this rs.
The biggest was to compare him to other guys, which partner could accept that?
It was a mistake, which ended in heartbreaks.

I will learn, and be clearer on what I seek in my future bf, so that I wouldn't hurt another person again by learning to love him for who he is.

But for now, let time heal the pieces.

For 2018, all I wish is for a stronger heart to be able to withstand the harshness of growing up and life.

Merry Christmas.

Broken

I thought I knew what heartbreak was, till today.
How could someone, who claims to love you, do something so hurtful like ignoring and discarding you?
And then return, like nth happened.
oh, sorry IF you had lost sleep.
Which part of my frantic msgs and time stamps, did not show I lost sleep?
haha it all boils down to how narcissistic and selfish you are as a person.

I think fundamentally smth is wrong with me.
For always being attracted to such pple.
This time, I can't fathom it, and I can't accept this degradation.

I won't allow it, because I needa gain some self-respect.

So, my first broken heart. My first break up.

2017 hasn't been a good year. But I've learnt so much, boy, I've learnt.