2019

Almost the end of 2019, time for the annual ZY reflections hahaha

This year, it's extremely poignant, especially for the last quarter of the year. 

Too many things happened in the past one month, but if I can sum it up, it would be growth. 

I met Mings for dinner earlier tonight, and I asked her what's her 3 main take away from 2019? 

Which prompted me to self reflect too, and my 3 take aways are:

1) People change, things change, the only constant is change

A few years back, I wrote about this. 

Perhaps it's a concept lurking around in my subconscious, but when it consciously happens, I still get taken aback. 

Why do people change? I don't get it. But like many things in life that are out of my control, people belongs to that category. 

Last month, right before our first anniversary, Darius told me he doesn't want to have kids. 

It was such a huge blow to me. I felt so many different layers of emotions - betrayal, sadness, despair, incredulous... 

At my age, I no longer want to start a rs that has no happy ending. So at the start, I asked him, if he wants to have kids? And he said yes. 1 year on, he tells me no. How does one reconcile this? 

For me, it was through tears (I actually cried all the way home from Bugis and cried another 5 hours next day), talking to him, talking to friends and then tears again

We are supposed to have another conversation about this before the end of this year, right now it's just stagnant. 

But the one silver lining about this dicey situation is... it prompted me to think about my motivation for having kids and what's the life I want. 

I was telling Mings, I really tried to imagine not having kids and somehow maybe even managed to achieve a certain level of self-delusion lol 

But then, I realised I do not have the confidence that I would never turn it back on him in the future should our relationship sour.  And should that happen, I will really dislike the me then. 

2) Be surprised, be very surprised

Or in other words, expect the unexpected. 

On hindsight, this relationship exposed me to many new perspectives. 

I never understood how someone can stay friends with their ex, much less one who cheated on you. 

But Darius can. 

I never imagined that I can date someone who is friends with their ex and very much meeting them and chatting with them. 

But I am. 

I never thought I can remain non-defensive in difficult conversations and respect another person's conflicting values which totally goes against what I want. 

But I did. 

Maybe I changed too, which supports point 1 above haha

3) You need to voice out what you want, people can't read minds

This applies to most girls perhaps lol

We want our partners to know what we want without actually telling them (coz once we tell them it totally defeats the purpose)

I do too.

But the contradictory thing is, sometimes we also do not know what we want hahaha

For e.g, a simple situation such as deciding what to eat. Most girls may say anything, but when our bfs provide options we say no to everything they suggest lol that's usually because we do not know what we want either. 

So, if even we ourselves do not understand ourselves completely, how can we expect another party to understand us? 

If we want something, we should tell them. Ask and you shall receive (although sometimes may not, but oh well, at least we tried)

And for my relationship, I realise I have no regrets, that is the highest achievement I think haha

Ending with a quote I saw on relationships that I really like:

世间爱情，不过是钟于，忠于，衷于，终于。
钟情于你 忠诚于你 衷心于你 终止于你

Accepting someone

I think the hardest part of my relationship so far is coming to terms with who my partner is may not be who I imagined, hope or want him to be.
And part of the parcel, is learning how to manage my expectations of him.

Looking at our past photos... I wonder how can things go downhill so drastically if you are the same you and I am the same me.
Honeymoon is a filter and when it's gone, what's left?

Pathway to true love or demise of what once was?

The choice is mine.

Ex's & Oh's

On the topic of Exes... I've never been one who believed in staying in contact or being friends with exes.

Simply because to me, what's in the past should remain in the past. 

And, I share the sentiment that there's only 2 possible scenarios where a broken up couple can remain as friends:

1) They never really loved each other before

2) They still love each other

However... here comes Darius who broke my entire belief system (or rather cause me so much unhappiness)

I've always been sharing the good things about him here, that's because he is really the sweetest and most doting bf to me. 

BUT, there is one major hiccup in our relationship that has persisted since the start - his Ex. 

Before we got together, I was kinda hesitant because he is friends with his ex. 

And is not those kind where you are just friends on social media, but rather the kind that meets up in real life quite often. 

I asked him why and how? Given the situation they ended things (won't elaborate on that here)

He said is because they have mutual friends and social circle... and after some time I realised it's really true, she is everywhere. 

For the last 2 weeks, they have met up twice - 1st is with his past work boss, 2nd is with their UK uni clique. 

And somehow, guess my jealousy boiled over and we had a quarrel about it... tbh it wasn't the first time we had some unhappiness:

1) First time was when I found out he still kept close to thousands of his ex photos on his phone

2) Second time was coz he never deleted his ex and his photos on his IG (yet he doesn't post about us, why the double standard?)

3) Third time was last week

What made me even more unhappy was... he is very adamant on remaining friends with his ex. 

Like this is something he refuses to compromise on... to be fair he did delete their photos on IG, he also deleted some of her photos in his phone but then there's just too many I guess (and his iphone autosyncs with his mac as well) 

I won't fault him on that, because I also kept me and my ex photos on hard drive. 

What I was unhappy about was the whole set-up... because I can't wrap my brains around it. 

To me, there's no need to remain friends coz of common social circles, your friends can manuever around it like meeting separately etc. 

And also, because I can't re-dress someone I undressed before.  Won't you always visualise the person naked if you once had been intimate before? How do you go back to being pure friends? 

Mind you, is not those small talk kinda friends but friends who meet more often than me and my best friend. 

Anyway, I've realised there's no solution to this matter between us, it will always remain as a point of contention because we have different views on this.

But, I've decided to 放过我自己.  Having such constant doubts, comparing myself against her by making the ex a 假想敌 is tiring. 

I should focus on the now, what we have and making myself more confident. 

Just one last thing... I've really never in million years of my life imagined I would one day get into such a situation. 

Guess I struck Toto, he is really a gem. *Roll Eyes*

温柔

和大俊渊在一起9个月了

最初的热情的确退了

但是，奇怪的是，我却越来越爱他。

喜欢他的什么呢？

喜欢他把我喂饱饱的

知道我想吃猪脚醋，就煮给我吃

大俊渊牌猪脚醋哈哈哈

认真的男人最帅

喜欢他不介意扮丑逗我开心

最帅的兔兔了 ;)

但是我最喜欢的

是他对我的温柔

不会和我争谁对谁错

反而和我沟通

会让我

在这9个月里，我从没觉得我是个很难爱的人。

现在回想，真的觉得之前谈的恋爱都不算呵呵

因为都是和只爱自己的人谈

算什么恋爱

For the first time, someone made me feel like maybe I don't deserve him because he is too good to be true. 

So, i'm thankful. 

谢谢你，让我能在感情中当小孩。

Morning farts

So, after being away for almost 1.5 months, I suddenly have the inspiration to blog.
In this 1.5 months, things are pretty much the same for me, but not so for the people around me.

The happy news first...
Val got engaged! Woohoo~ Chao proposed to her at Koh Samui with a huge ass ruby-diamond ring
Happy for them~ and onwards to another life stage (and my last bridesmaid duty haha)

Recently I also started working on this digital project with Val for e-commerce called BxG (Beauty & the Green) which focuses on curating organic skincare products around the region back to SG.
And I realised I quite enjoy doing social media marketing...
I'll be going for a SP post-grad diploma in digital marketing starting Oct and I hope I made the right decision.

On other news...
I got to know that Kit is dating Mr B.
I've had my suspicions, which was recently affirmed by her.
Can't say I wasn't entirely disturbed, because to me I will never date a close gf's ex.
Even more so when she knew our entire history and how badly I was affected when we broke up.
And recently, she even told me she thinks she will marry him *rolls eyes*

I didn't want to be sour or pour cold water...
but even she herself said they haven't started quarrelling coz there's nth to fight.
That also made me realise perhaps between Mr B and I, it was just incompatibility (or rather too similar in personality)
Both of us were too defensive.
But anw, back to this... I just replied 'I hope so too, I hope he is ready'.
Because based on my understanding of him, he is not a person who will get married.
And dating him in the long term, you will only lose yourself.

Kit said he is very sweet, like no one's been so nice to her before.
Yeap, that I do admit.  He is sweet, but only at the start.
What I couldn't stand, was what happens when we argued.
He just couldn't admit his mistakes and everything is your fault, essentially, he valued himself more than our rs.

Having said the above, they have lasted longer than we did.
I won't say I had no role in how we ended, a rs requires 2 hands to clap.
I do hope they last, but in the meantime, I don't see the need for me to hear more about their rs.
And this will be the last time Mr B will appear on this blog.

I also accidentally chanced on this stranger's dayre yesterday documenting her dating apps tales.
She met sooooo many guys and I was actually quite sympathetic to her at the start coz she was ghosted by guys, guys didn't want commit but led her on etc...
Reminded me quite a bit of my own experiences haha
But, as the years go by, I realised she sort of lost herself requiring another man to fill her loneliness and happiness.
It was quite painful to read the years later on... part of me wanted to scream at my screen: Please know your worth girl!'
If a guy doesn't reply, get the hint and just move on. Don't bother texting him why he ghosted you and wanting a closure from him, he doesn't owe you shit.  You give yourself closure.

Eventually, she did get attached.
But just 3 months later she posted whether it is possible to have a crush on someone else while attached?
It's super possible to be attracted to others... but I find this mentality very dangerous.
Anw, towards the end I found her to be quite 'damaged'.
And I realised, most girls start off innocent, but after meeting a few bad guys, they get damaged if they don't find their own self worth.

You just need that one good guy you can believe in...

Ok, I'm late to meeting Darius. Abrupt ending hahaha

蛮好的

‘其实，你对我蛮好的’

我对大俊渊说

流泪时，他会帮我擦泪

受委屈了，他会聆听

任性时，他会试图讲道理

‘以前我哭时，有人曾经对我说是我自己要哭的’

说完了这句，大俊渊把我拥抱在怀里

有人心疼的感觉真好

瞬间，让我记得为何会爱上他

钱能解决很多问题

但是，我知道大俊渊的温柔和爱不是金钱能买的

我很幸运，因为有你

谢谢你

27 on 27

I turned 27 on 27 (May)!

Spent my birthday weekend in Penang this year, was my first trip to Penang

And the whole trip can be summed up with one word - eat, eat & eat. 

I think I had 6 meals in one day (no joke)

Penang Char Kuey Tiao is really different.. the wok hei is way stronger coz they use charcoal to cook

We queued 30mins for this Char Kuey Tiao 

                                               

Had tons of food but my fav must be this Duck Meat Soup Kuey Tiao

It's super good! The soup is not salty and just nice, I love it so much (with the soy sauce chilli dip) that I had it as my last Penang meal before flying back. 

And look at my man buying for me hehe... that's a back view I won't ever get bored of ;)

So, with that I found my true love in Penang...

Heartfelt thanks to my love

He surprised me with sunflowers and the sweetest card~

Or maybe he got tired of me requesting for flowers every time we walk past a flower shop hahaha!

Thank you for doting on me unconditionally 

Cooking for me, taking my bag without me requesting, always there to hold my hands, being the best IG BF...

Although we have our differences

But with you, I never felt I was difficult to love 

Between passionate and stable love, now I'll take the latter any day

And yes, to anyone who asks me if dating apps work... 

I will say take breaks if you must (I did too!) but don't give up

Because if I did, I will never have met Darius

We are 2 different people with different nationality, background and work environment

2 people who without the digital age will never have met, and yet we did

So, thank you e-月老

Because after turning so many circles, I'm truly happy now :)

How it feels lying in a coffin

I think this must be the most morbid title on this blog, ever...

But there's a reason haha

Let's go back 24 hours ago, back to yesterday

16 May'19

Took leave and crossed the customs to JB with Val!

We had late lunch at this super worth it and good service Japanese restaurant at Skudai called 

Warakuya Japanese Garden

Look at the thick Sashimi slices! 

I always found eating Japanese food in Msia is super worth it coz of the exchange rate

And the portions they give are way bigger than SG's...

Val says the 1 slice of Sashimi in Msia = 2 slices in SG hahaha

After lunch, Val brought me to play escape room...

I was super against it at the start coz too scared.

In the end, we went ahead after combining with 3 other Msian Chinese

Most spontaneous game ever hahaha 

But the 3 of them were super nice!

I think throughout the game, the only role I was in charge of was laughing LOL

At one juncture, we managed to unlock a coffin

And I thought smth will jump out of it but NO!

The horror was after, apparently each of us had to lie in the coffin, close the lid and then be pushed into the next room...

o.0

We did it, but I was laughing so hard

It really felt quite scary, like in utter darkness and slightly claustrophobic 

Val tried to climb over coz there was a small gap, but her ass got stuck HAHAHA

So no choice

The gentleman went last and when he climbed in, he muttered, I'm closing the lid to my own coffin

LOL sorry but in that context it was quite funny

We managed to escape after 70 mins! 

Which I thought was not bad

The games were really quite challenging but the creativity is another notch...

Highly recommend playing escape room in JB!

Went to do hair treatment and ate dinner...

by the time we were back in SG it was around 10+pm

Haven't had such quality time with Val in a long while

Glad to have her as my constant :)

17 May'19

Went Imperial Treasure Super Peking Duck with my fam + Darius for 3 May babies birthday celebration!

This is the first time we ate outside with Darius and he specially booked a later bus back to KL

The food was so-so only... quite salty in my opinion

And the Peking Duck... can't compare to Beijing, sadly.

But I enjoyed the company, that's the most impt! ^^

Something happened recently that made me really glad I have Darius with me now...

So, one of the bone stuck in my throat for this rs has been his ex, since forever.

Because, he is still friends with her and they meet in a clique once in awhile...

Which is smth I don't think I can ever understand, esp given how they ended. 

This was also the reason why i hesitated getting together with him at the start, because I know I am quite insecure and this will blow up in the long run. 

I like to poke buttons, and that night I decided to poke his IG button

He still kept the sweet moments with his ex (their couple photos) on IG but he never posts about us

So I asked him, why the difference in treatment on social media

One thing good about him is he is super tactful

So he said, to him he alr forgotten about the photos till I mentioned them

And his social media pattern has changed, he rarely posts now

Which I have to agree...

And he offered to delete them if I mind

I didn't give him a reply then, but I thought it through and decided I will feel better if he deletes them

So 2 days later, we met for dinner and I brought it up that I will take up his offer

And his reply was simply: 'I removed them alr'

I was pleasantly surprised, because I did not expect him to be so auto

And I also didn't expect myself to be so happy about this gesture hahaha

So, now I think it really wasn't because I was a bad gf in the past

It was simply incompatibility and maybe dated assholes along the way

亲王子之前，总要先亲几个癞蛤蟆～

Saturdate

Went on a Saturdate with Darius~

Tmr marks our 6 months anniversary!

As a celebration for Darius' first commission, he treated Jayden and I to YardBird

We had the atas chicken waffles and watermelon, mac n cheese, biscuits and also YardBird's version of impossible burger

We were sooooo full by the end omg

But, I think the best was the mac n cheese and the impossible burger was cool too!

The patty is a meat replacement using plant based protein and is all the rage recently about sustainable alternative food supply, something that SFA is working on as well

Interestingly, it doesn't exactly taste like meat but it's not bad! 

After the meal, we parted ways with Jayden and went Jewel Changi

It is still sooooo crowded after 1 month of opening, and taking photos is almost impossible without other people in them lol

Still managed to grab some selfies together with the vortex waterfall behind!

Coincidentally, Val was at Jewel with Chao as well

Alas, we didn't bump into each other~

Look at how small Darius' eyes are! LOL

Mine was closed, but his still had a small slit open 

-.-

IG BF in action hahaha

Never saw anyone take photos with the vortex waterfall from this angle before

Really like how Darius made me look so tall in this photo hahaha

There are whole walls of greenery in Jewel that are good for photo taking as well

Went to check out the queue for Shake Shack and it's crazy long

So... we went Starbucks instead

When we were in Beijing, we went to the 3-storey Starbucks Reserve 

Darius tried this innovative drink called Cold Brew Malt and he was just mentioning he had craving for it....

When we saw that Jewel Starbucks Reserve also has it! 

Jinx lol 

Got a Cold Brew Malt for sharing! 

The ice cream in SG version is blended in, but I recall in Beijing it was just melted ice cream

The drink we had in SG is also slightly more bitter, think it is because of more caffeine in it

The aftermath of drinking Cold Brew Malt made me realise I am really lactose intolerant

I've been having stomach bloating and pain for the longest time

And recently, I've been experimenting to see what's the cause

I had stomachache after drinking the cold brew malt 

Sigh pie, have to bid goodbye to my milk BBTs for good :(

Was a chill Saturday~

Time zooms really fast, can't believe Darius and I have been together for 6 months

It is the longest rs I've had so far 

Based on track record, usually by about 3rd month or so? We will start quarrelling

Not saying Darius and I don't have disagreements... but he has a way of managing me lol 

I can only say, his EQ is really good 

Maybe that's why he is a recruiter

With him, I feel cared for and secure

With him, I don't feel like I am being difficult 

With him, I don't feel inadequate as a gf 

With him, I feel like there's a chance things will work out

With him, we are buddies in crime 

最初的心动

和一个人在一起久了，有时会忘记当初的心动

为何会爱上你？

渐渐的忘记你的好，只记得那些琐碎的‘不好’

很喜欢大俊渊的这张照片

那是我们第一次一起去的Adoption Drive

他就这样抱着小黑，小黑就在他怀里睡着了

那笑容就像慈祥的父亲哈哈哈

还记得那一刻，我觉得这位男生好暖，好暖。。。

我觉得所有感情都有它的步调

有时激情，有时转淡都是其中

如何准确的拿捏，才是一门技巧

一开始都是激情的吧

因为什么都是新鲜的

第一次，都是最难忘

像第一次一起出国去北京

5天24小时在一起

以为会受不了，以为会吵架

相反玩的很融洽

最后一晚我哭了

不是因为被欺负，而是因为我舍不得

但是，随着日夜的柴米油盐

抹去了爱情浓烈的步调

开始为琐碎的事吵架

慢慢看到了对方不好的一面

是我无理取闹，还是你不懂我？

一开始以为我们好像，以为你就是我的灵魂伴侣

但相处久了，发现我们其实有好多不同的地方

包括想法和理解

也许也是我们生长在不同环境的关系吧

Kit 和妈妈都告诉我，马来西亚华人很念家

你确定他会留在新加坡吗？

一开始喜欢你的一点，就是觉得你很孝顺，喜欢你念家，喜欢你大家庭的融洽

但是，时间久了

发现喜欢的反而成为我的厌倦

觉得为什么我不是第一

Kit 笑笑的对我说，你要收了你这份任性

在他心里，他的家人永远是第一

也许，是我应该改变我的想法和重心

一开始不用想那么远，但日子久了，想法也多了

最初的心动，是因为你的暖

因为你的细心

因为你的孝顺

因为你保留的赤子之心

深深的印在我心里

Thank you, AVA

31 March, today is the last day of AVA as an organisation. 

Starting tmr, it will be a new start for the Singapore Food Agency. 

In the span of 3+ years, I'm at my 3rd company, this time albeit not a conscious choice on my part. 

A bit sad that half of the team is spilt and some colleagues who I regard as a friend will be going to Nparks...

But, as the saying goes,

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened

COD

Thank you to my dearest community outreach team.

Although our portfolios are quite individualistic and I do wish we can be closer...

nevertheless there's no politics and everyone is always willing to help when asked.

To Poh Choo - Thanks so much for the life advices and lunch sessions.

I've learnt a lot to worry less and be more open to other perspectives. 

All the best in Nparks! 

And to my fellow Gemini Monkey Hoe Pang,

thanks for the bowling/singing session we had!

It's easy to talk to him, perhaps it's because we are the same age.

We may be neighbours in the future too! Till our paths cross again~

Media Team

Although I'm not part of Media team, but I've always been closer to ShuZhen, Ginny, Wendy and Kai Ting. 

Somehow, I quite envy the bond between the media team people, although they work way more too (always fighting fires)

But! They are more nonsensical and fun to be around hahaha

To Wendy Chua - Thanks for being my yoga partner~

Sometimes I forget we are of the same age coz you are already married and gonna be a mum in a few months! 

I'm so happy for your next stage in life~ Please rmb to jio me to your baby shower hehe

To Kai Ting - Thanks for the lunch sessions and being my Grab buddy.

All the best in Nparks!

One last photo of AVA CCRG! 

And to AVA...

Thanks for the experiences 

Being an expert in animal welfare for Happy Pets Happy Hood II when I first joined AVA.

Organising SG Farmers' Markets and introducing the agri-food industry in Singapore.

And last but not least... A goodbye to my favourites in AMG - our fellow animal colleagues

Ginger~ who walks with a limp because she was a hit and run victim

And Samson on my first trip to AMG to see them (and when I could still carry him)

And to many more memories to come. 

Till then,

Zoe