The Last Post

Darius and I broke up after 1 year together.
There's only 1 reason when a couple get together and that is loving each other.
But a 1000 and 1 reasons why a couple decides to end things.

I've been trying to give myself my own closure this past few days.
But the cold hard truth remains that he chose himself over us, and perhaps me picking the quarrels leading up to our eventual break up was the straw that broke the camels back.

There were mistakes, made by both of us.  For him, after the honeymoon period, I could not feel his love for me anymore. His efforts diminished and more and more of the real him showed up.
For me, I became more calculative and kept demanding him to change to become what I want. I said I accepted his ex and him being friends but did I really? Our last furious quarrel was over his ex too.

I did not give him the love he could understand, neither did he give me mine.

What really drove a wedge and broke the trust, was his sudden change of mind about kids.
Out of nowhere, he said he decides not to have kids.
It was his attitude, in making decisions that broke my trust - to him, he gives in terms of small issues like what food to eat, paying for meals etc.
But when it comes to major life decisions, his plans has no us in the picture.
It will be him making a decision and then informing me. It was never a decision that we made together while discussing hey, can we not consider having kids?

For me, I keep rehashing our last few quarrels. I said many harsh words and things I did not mean.
I could not keep my temper and kept venting on him and making our dates filled with negativity.
He had enough, he was so pissed he felt like he was going to snap.

And he decided to break up with me.
For once, I cried and asked for another shot. But his decision has been made.
He broke up with me respectfully, meeting me in person and gave me a closure - he just wants to be alone and it would be better for us in the long run because the kids issue will come up again.  And he doesn't love me anymore.
To me, he just chose himself.

Part of me feels super 不甘心.
Why didn't he choose me? Is it I'm not good enough for him?
And I really really admire and love his character, he is still that sincere and respectful and loyal man I met at the start.  And he apologises first when I get angry if he knows he is in the wrong.  He never got defensive.
I lost a gem, one i'm not sure if I can ever find again.

What this one year taught me, was that a relationship really takes 2 hands to clap.
And it is so fragile.  People can just change like that.

During the relationship, Darius keeps telling me to do things for myself.
I did learn quite a bit from him, just he took things to the extreme.
To him, everyone is replaceable. Cold hard truth and logic.  Maybe it is a logic I need to sink into my mind. I only have myself, so be kinder to myself.

I miss him, I really do. It's a heart wrenching kind of pain, and also filled with fear for the future without him.

But now, I'm closing this chapter.  Thank you for the happy memories, I will bring them with me for life.
I hope the day will come soon, when you are not the first or the last thought on my mind.
And I hope I become a more secure me, who truly knows my boundaries and deal breakers and love myself more.

For the first time in 3 years, I'm staying away from dating apps and talking about relationships.
I am going to talk about me and not about the guys I date. 

I am going to be happy single, for as long as it takes.