Dating?

I've been using dating apps again on and off for the past month.
This time round I tried Okcupid, and I actually matched a guy and met him (S) earlier this month for an art jamming session.
S is a very nice guy, outgoing and ambitious too. The fact that he works in public service also makes it quite easy to converse with him.
However, I was not physically attracted to him... and I just told him about the fact that I am emotionally unavailable haha

Subsequently, I met WJ off CMB, who can actually be considered my FASS senior.
He is a fun person, easy to talk to.  We spent a long evening over dinner and ice cream ytd.
And he was gentlemanly enough to send me home even though he stays in the East (coz he drove, out of so many guys I've dated he is only the second guy who has a car).
I guess, I quite enjoyed talking to him? So I had my expectations haha although I did feel our texting was rather contrived.
And today, he did not reply my texts, which made me slightly disappointed but on hindsight, I'm actually glad he did not. 

And over ytd's convo, I realised I have yet to move on.
What then, are my intentions on the dating apps?  Is it really to know someone new? Or just to find a replacement?
The latter is more likely haha
And... until the day I learn how to be happily single again, it is quite difficult for me to enter another rs, especially when I'm still reeling from the remorse of the previous rs.

For the past 3 years, I've not been single longer than 4 months.  It was one rs after another.
Today, after the emotional uproar I felt following the 'rejection' from WJ, I realise it is really me not being able to be single and be alone by myself.
I constantly need someone to be with me and rely on them.

Maybe loneliness is the reason.  I should learn to sit with myself and my loneliness, maybe that's when I will be able to hold myself responsible for my own happiness and that's when I can manage my expectations.

COVID-19

SG announced all entertainment outlets will be shut down until Apr 30.
This COVID-19 is everywhere, surrounding my work, life.
Feels like life is on a standstill...
Which sorta fits how I feel internally.

2020 started off bad and the whole world is suffering.
I hope this pandemic will tide over soon.

*fingers-crossed*

Moving On

I've been super 纠结over the past 1 month...
Over whether I should get him back or not.
Only to realise, honestly there is no need to.
He has already moved on, and the issues will still be there. 
I should not want him back just because of a fear of being alone for life.
As much as I do agree that is a very scary thought and I will work on it for a long time, but this break up on hindsight will be a blessing in disguise if I grow from it.

It's been 2 months, and I've been crying for 5 months (since Nov last year actually).
Life is not a comparison, if this is how I process my emotions, so be it.
I need to stop blaming myself for still pinning over him.

So, today 15 March. I've decided to move on.
And by moving on, means no more texts, no more meet ups. Closing this chapter of my life.
For the past 2 months, we've still been texting and meeting up once in awhile.
Perhaps he can be friends, but for me, it just makes the heart ache worst thereafter.

Is better if it's out of sight, out of mind. 

And to whoever I meet in the future when I'm ready, I know you will not be the same as him and it will be another different kind of rs.
To be prepared to meet you, I will move on and be in a better state of mind and open hearted to give love another shot.
Honestly I have no idea when that day will arrive haha
Coz I'm still crying over him.
But moving on, is just a decision.  This will be a test of my mental discipline, self resilience and growth.