Lost and found

Today, 25th March 2013, i lost someone who once mattered.

It's really over nothing significant, but once there's a small hole within a fabric, it's so easy to tear the whole thing apart.

I once thought that a friendship will grow stronger overtime, but today i realised the strength of a friendship is not determined by its length but by its depth.

Yet, today i've decided to change.

Since i'm tired of this endless competition, i will change myself, especially my mentality.

I no longer want to maintain a defeatist mentality, rather i want a never-say-die attitude.

I've realised that honestly, there's nothing really bad about my life.

Nobody's life is perfect but it's just how one chooses to view it, you can either enlarge the positive or choose to wallow in the negative.

I've been doing the latter for long enough, now's time to change.

Remember, it's not the end results that matter, rather it's what you've gained for the long run.

It's sad that a person whom you know became someone you knew, but missing is just part of moving on.

Maybe, letting go is all for the better.

Why hold on to something that never belonged to you in the first place?

Tomorrow, 26th March 2013, will be a new me.

September 2011

I never did have the courage to mention what happened during those days,

maybe because i was afraid of relieving those memories.

However, 1.5 years on, i believe i've came to terms with it.

Yes, i suffered from mild depression then. My mum even brought me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).

People who has never suffered from depression won't ever understand the experience.

That sense of dread and bleakness.

I remember those few months were passed in tears and blackness.

I felt like i was trapped, in a dark pit hole with no escape.

No matter how i think about stuff, i can't find a way out.

Maybe it was due to school - new environment in Uni, but mostly, it was due to my skin illness.

I contemplated suicide. And that's why my mum decided to bring me see a psychiatrist.

I called the suicide helpline and talked to the lady for hours - she was really helpful but i thought that was all there was to it.

Because when you have depression, you won't listen to others. You are trapped within your own mentality - a cold, dark and hopeless place.

Everyday, i wake up with the hope for falling asleep again.

I skipped school for 2 wks straight during the semester, because i couldn't find the motivation to go.

I didn't study for mid terms at all - explains my poor results then.

But as with all bad times, things will improve.

Now, i firmly believe that when one hits rock bottom, there's no where to go but up.

Which is what happened in my case.

The moral of the story is, have hope, have faith.

Cooperate with those that are trying to help.

Fight that mental bleakness. It's hard, words are cheap i know

But if even you yourself are not willing to fight, there's no way out of it.

I fought, i struggled. Eventually, you'll win.

It's hope that makes the world go round. 

Hold on to that.

LIfe ahead'13

Hello!! It's already March, 3 months of 2013 has gone by.

Time really does fly, as we grow older.

The photo is taken at Veron's 21st Birthday Party!

This year is really the year of attending endless birthday parties and bankrupt from paying all the birthday presents :(

Oh well. I'm not gonna have one for mine. Haha 

It's a lot of work to organize one and $$$$.

I'm rather broke, considering i'l be going on 2 trips this year again!

Honestly, as i grow older, i realise i'm flying so very often.

Especially considering i'm not flying for work or sch, but just for leisure.

The last time i took a plane was in July'12 to Tokyo.

The next trip will be in June'13 to Shanghai!

Yes, i'm going back to Shanghai on 15th June - 24th.

And it's gonna be a rush as once i get back to SG,

I have about a week before i'll be embarking on my SEP in New ZeaLand. :)

I'm so freaking excited for the lower half of 2013.

Esp since this semester in sch hasn't been going very well

And i'm extremely unmotivated to study/write essays. :(

Guess my results and CAP will fall... sigh.

NUS takes the joy out of everything.

Oh well. Here i am typing out this post with some updates, when i have a mid term tmr that i have not 

started studying yet. =x

Toddles~~ Till the next time i log in. 

______________________________________

AHHHH.

Recently been so obsessed over the k-drama 'That winter, the wind blows'

Jo in sung is like THE ideal man.

Tall (186cm), Handsome (duh) and RICH (of course! Since he's an actor with all those endorsements)

Sad thing is, every fangirl takes him as their ideal man. :(

CALM YOUR FANGIRL HEART.

LOL.

xoxo,

Zy

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013

Last day of 2012 and Singapore is raining continuously.

What a bummer.

But i have no plans for today too! Hehe

Hate crowded count down parties and overpriced everywhere for the next 2 days.

I'll rather spend the days at home. 

As i grow older, years pass by faster.

2012 seemed to have zoomed past and honestly, i can't really recall what happened.

My memory is deteriorating :(

2013, i'll be 21 years old. The Big 21.

Multiple decisions i'll be making, such as citizenship and of course, SEP.

I've applied for student exchange programme the past semester and have successfully obtained a school too!

I'll be going to New ZeaLand! :D

Excited and yet, nervous at the same time.

It'll be the first time i'll be overseas on my own, and for such a long time, about half a year.

Year 2 Semester 1 was the sem i slogged the most.

And the results did not fail me! ^^

I was really pleased with my results when the SMS came:

Hy2206 - A

HY2237 - A

SSA2211 - A

SW2104 - A-

Hy3256 - B+

Totally didn't expect that 2 As for my lvl 2 History mods.

Still had a stomach ache on both days, right before my final papers! >.<

And the lvl 3 mod that i expected an A-, i got a B+.

Wonder how the bell curve works at times. I had an A- for 70% of that mod!

It must have been really competitive i guess. Or my class participation was really REALLY bad. =/

This blogging thing seems to have failed me.

Often, i have no idea what to write.

Or perhaps, i've grown lazy.

Yeap, think that's the main reason. =/

Oh well, i'm not bothering to make any new year resolution or anything.

I'll take things as they come. :D

But, here's to all humans who survived the supposed 2012 apocalypse!

Onwards 2013, to a wonderful new year! :D
_______________________________________

Read through last years end of year post.
And i realised i'm still the same one year on.
Nth's changed. I'm still lost and spinning, with no end goal in mind.
Is this good or bad?

2012.
What have i achieved?

I started teaching tuition.
Went Japan for the first time.
Made some new friends in Uni.
And i believe i've repaired a friendship. :D

It's tough to remain in contact with people, even with modern social network conveniences.
Honestly, i seldom use them, because i find it so fake and meaningless.
There's a reason why some people doesn't make it into your future.
And some people are just meant to be passer bys in your life.

Life can be summed up in 3 words: It goes on.

Update!

Haven't logged in to this space for ages!

This sem has been mind blowing-ly fast and tiring.

I had freaking 7 term papers to write!

Up to today, i think the amt of words i've typed for this sem is more than 10000...

Let's see:

HY3256 reflection piece - 800

SSA2211 Assignment 1 - 1226

HY3256 Assignment 2 - 1800

HY2207 Term Paper - 2025

SSA2211 Assignment 2 - 600

HY2237 Response paper - 1500

Hy3256 Assignment 3 - 3028

Total: 10979

Look at that 3000 words paper!!!! 

I wonder how i'd survived. Honestly, at the beginning of the sem when i knew i had so many papers,

i seriously thought i am gonna die.

BUT!

I survived!

Results is another matter of course...

Now all i have left is finals!

Gosh, i've stopped reading since god knows when to concentrate on all these papers.

Bless me!!! ~~

Till the end of finals! 

Jiayou! You can do it!

XOXO

ZY

Round and Round

I feel like i'm always going around in circles.
Again and again, my feelings twirl round and round....
Eventually, i end up in the same place: Anxiety and Fear.

Why? When? When did i become such a scaredy-cat?

What am i scared of?
Sometimes, i think i'm really funny.
My dad once told me:

'The reason why people are afraid is due to the unknown. People fear death, because nobody knows what happens after you die. Do you go to heaven, become a spirit or just gone? Is there even a heaven to speak of?'

Here comes the funny part: I know the consequence and yet, i fear.
Why? I think it's because i don't want that consequence. I know what's gonna come but at the same time, i fear it.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
You learn from experience, to prepare yourself for future similar scenarios, so that you will not be afraid of what's to come.

So, why then?
Why am i still afraid of what's to come?

Why do i feel weaker than before? Before i know the unknown.

Failures.

I don't think one ever gets used to failures.
They just deal with it.

So, deal with it, zhongyun!

BLEH.

Flying off to Japan in 4 days. What bad news this is.
Gives me a sense of Deja Vu coz this happened last year too, right before my Taiwan trip.

:(