12.09am

Officially 23.
Officially a graduate.
Officially unemployed.

No one ever told me that the 20s will be filled with so much confusion.
I always thought the teenage rebellious years would be the most confusing, little did I realise that would be nth compared to now.
Fresh out of college, I am at the most confusing point of my life yet.
I have no idea what I want to do, I have little confidence of what I am capable of, and suddenly I feel so lost in the big big world.

Life is a series of choices and decision making. But I feel i've never been hit with so much decision making in the past week.
Getting that job offer from NHB and then rejecting it - and it all took only 2 days with tons of advice sought.
Now, I have obtained an internship at a film production company, with little knowledge of what to expect and whether I am mentally prepared for it.

Its the uncertainties that are killing me and my confidence slowly and gradually....
Failure, I have deep fear of it. What ifs? The pessimism in me nags at me every single second - what if this is not what I want? What if it doesn't work out? What if I can't take it? What if I fail?

But, what if this is exactly what i want?
Clarity, that's what I need right now. Yet, I'm continuously swimming in the murky waters of the 20s.
There's so much I need to learn - FIND A CAREER, get a permanent full time job, learn about financial planning, get a BF and get married, start a family blah blah.
This is how life is supposed to be, isn't it?
And I almost seem late to the game, late in the race. I'm still an immature child who can't take hardships.

I have been self-reflecting a lot these past few days.
What do I really want? That ans still eludes me, but I do know I won't get the ans just by thinking or sitting on my butt.
It's only through doing that I will know.
So what if I fail? I can always start over again, it is never too late.

Have faith in yourself. Believe. You can do it, Zhongyun, you can and you will.

23

23.
The age of confusion, bewilderment.
The age of in between - not a girl, not yet a women.
The age where we have so much, yet nothing at all.
The age where the future looks so bright, yet so bleak.

Fresh out of collage, the world is our oyster. But is it, really?

Is it, really?

'When It's 4am & no one goes to bed'

' We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I could say that’s what I want in life. 

It’s not quite love and it’s not quite community; it’s just this feeling that there are people, an abundance of people, who are in this together. Who are on your team. When the check is paid and you stay at the table. When it’s four a.m. and no one goes to bed. That night with the guitar. That night we can’t remember. That time we did, we went, we saw, we laughed, we felt. '

- Marina Keegan, Opposite of Loneliness.

Chanced upon this quote (followed by article) & it speaks volumes about the state i'm in. 

I'll be graduating in half a year's time and right now, I am in a mix of yearning, sentimentality, hopefulness, bleakness, togetherness & loneliness. 

Ah, if there's one word closest to loneliness, I guess that would be togetherness. 

But even that word doesn't capture the fullness of the opposite of loneliness. 

I'll be honest, throughout my 4 years in NUS, I've been a lonely soul. 

Maybe it began even earlier, since NJC, because I had a class, and yet I didn't due to my hybrid combination.

This semester proved me wrong. 

For the first time in a long while, I actually enjoyed myself despite the toughness of this sem. 

This semester was hard, pushing me to brinks even with sleepless, stressful nights rushing assignments (2 4k word essays in 2 weeks!)

But, it was fun, because of the people.

That's when I realised, I'm an environment person.

When I was doing my internship, it was easy. The job was so easy & yet I wasn't happy at all.

In fact, I was complaining at every chance I had.

It was because of the environment, so cold & exclusive.

Coming back to school, it was so tough. 

I whined (like always) but somehow, amidst it all, I was happy? Because of the people.

I felt like I belonged, I was part of the circle - we were together as the 2014/2015 history cohort. 

I once read somewhere, that what all humans want from others (& the key to a successful relationship) is acknowledgment. 

No matter in what form - acknowledgment of your work, acknowledgment of your role, acknowledgment that you are as important to someone else as they are to you et cetera.

It's all about acknowledgments.

Yet, acknowledgments are the hardest to be attained, especially when it comes to blurred issues such as relationships.

Maybe, the opposite of loneliness is mutual acknowledgment in its entirety. 

When both parties/or in a group acknowledges everyone for who they are and their roles, there is that feeling of completeness. 

Ah, maybe the opposite of loneliness is completeness. 

So, why do I feel more lonely in a group than alone by myself?

Perhaps, it's due to greed. Somehow, I become greedier the more happy I feel in a group.

I want us to be together forever.

HA, the naivety of 22 year old me. 

I'm not unrealistic, I know people leave and move on, & a few months down the road, I will forget about this people.

Just like how I have moved on from a lot of people. 

But, I guess I am just not good with goodbyes.

Or maybe, what I'm even worst at is hellos. 

 

End of last internship

Woots!
So 1st Aug marked the end of my 3 months long summer internship.
More than any other, it was an experience.
On hindsight, I feel like i didn't learn much from the job itself but i've developed in terms of personal growth.
From all my ex-PT and internships, one thing that i feel is really different btw society and the protective school life is the many things we can't control - environment, people.
Reason is because everyone is different and we are all forcibly enclosed within a common space to work.
At least in Uni, i still have the pleasure of picking my friends haha. And I am one who is extremely selective about my friends.

The day before my last day of internship, I was so upset I teared.
I've never felt so insignificant and under appreciated in my whole life.
A sup who doesn't care about me, I actually understand how insignificant interns are but I feel I shld have knowledge of company happenings or when she takes leave, I should have the right to know.
I didn't.
The only thing I was supposed to know is my own project. Which pissed me off even more coz of a certain slacker.
He is like the irresponsible member that everybody hates (but there's bound to be one) in group projects.
Gosh, I felt like strangling him.
Still has the cheek to go play LAN on tuesday, when he is far from completing his job.
It's ok, I do need to handle my emotions better. There are bound to be such people in society in the future. Just hope you won't have to be in the same team or project as them.

I had no expectation on the last day, but when my sup invited me to lunch, i was happy.
Only thereafter, I knew the full story. It was coz my fellow intern's sup asked her to ask me coz she feels so bad for me.
Haha didn't expect any less.
But then, i was reminded of this quote: 'If someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have'.
In this case, is not love. What i got away is she didn't treat me the way i want her to, the way i would do to others (to an intern. I would totally treat my future intern super good lol), but that's probably her, it's not my fault. Maybe this is the way she treats others.

I've learnt a valuable lesson that not every working environment was like my previous internship. Not everyone will be genuine or sincere towards you.
To some, you are just a minion, put even crudely, just a disposable worker.
Even more for an intern.
In some way, I feel glad they treated me that way, even till the last day.
Because it spared me heartache, everytime goodbyes are uttered and i left a place.
How many goodbyes have i said? Bega, Beam, SSLC, Yamaha, Qeren, Tutees, SHC, NHB.
All of these were pple once in my life, a moment in time.

Yeah. So that's all.
Now, i'm going to be back in school in a week's time.

reminders

Had a good dinner and chat with Bok and Hilda tonight.
It has been a month since the start of my internship.
I complain a lot. About the environment and everything, but after awhile, i realise it's me just making excuses for myself.
I expect a lot, but for the wrong things.
I expect my job to be perfect, people to be nice and sincere to me, most importantly, for people to do things for me.
But, why should others invite me to lunch? Why should others be nice to me?
It made me think.
Whenever i find others insincere, do they find me insincere too?
I feel like i am always waiting and expecting others to treat me the way i want them to, like i have this expectation of them that it thwarts the way they actually are and i am making myself miserable coz of my own perception of others.

Change your thoughts, and your change your world.
Maybe my new motto should be: Accept that you are imperfect, accept that the world is imperfect, accept that people have their own lives and won't always be the way you want them too.
Most importantly, seek to improve yourself everyday. It may be little progress, but any progress in better than nth.
Don't beat yourself up over past mistakes, reflect on them. When things doesn't go well, reflect on them instead of thinking that you are the worst person on Earth.

And, rmb that no matter how you change, there will always be pple who doesn't like you, pple who finds you fake.
However, they will be pple who like you for who you are.
Change for yourself, change for them but don't waste time on pple who doesn't deserve them.

People are never the way you perceive them to be - let go of your expectations of others and you'll be happier.

No matter how many bad points there are about you, rmb there are good points about you too, even if they are very minimum.

Don't try to hide, because the more you hide, the more insincere you seem. Although, be tactful about it too.
Be honest, but not straightforward.
Accept compliments, but do not be boastful about them.
Speak less, listen more.

how much, is ever enough?

Recently, I've been trying to change my thoughts.
They say, if you can't change what's happening, then change your mindset.
I want to be more positive, and the effort is taking a more daunting task than i thought.
Change never comes easy anyway, it goes through failure, withdrawals etc
But, i really want to be more positive, be more strong mentally no matter what comes my way.

Only... I feel like i lack a proper support system.
Honestly, I would love to have someone who understands what i'm going through to talk to.
But i don't. No one around me understands or is ever there for me.
I try, to lower my expectations.
But how low is it ever enough?

Sometimes, (and this is the pessimistic side of me talking again), i feel that the world won't care if i just die.

Yeah.

Birthday

It's 5 days to my 22nd birthday.


I wonder who'll remember?

Or maybe i should just head home after work.

Work.

wor

wo

w

T.T