6 years on

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Redid the personality test I did 6 years ago.

Some have changed, while others haven't.

Looks like my straightforwardness is taking the lead haha

世上只有爸爸好

HAHAHA.
Thanks Dad. 

If you love someone, let them go.

It has been 2 months since my last post.

And 5 months since I've graduated.

A lot of things has changed, and life is too fast for me to even catch my breath at times. 

I feel stagnant, yet I'm moving on. 

Changing for the better, that's what I hope and feel. 

It's been ages since I've been so optimistic, patient and accepting of myself. 

Guess it's true then, when the only way to go is up, we always have coping mechanisms and the only way is indeed up. 

How long more? I don't know. Honestly, I'm living week by week. 

Am I happy? I don't know. 

I really don't. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saw that it is prof dimoia's bday on fb. 

It brought back memories, because just a year ago we threw a surprise party for him in class. 

Was it just a year ago? It felt ages back, almost like an eternity away.

Life sure does move fast, when everything is changing ard you. 

Did I like you one year ago? 

Haha honestly, I can't rmb. I can't rmb when I started having this infatuation with you. 

Somehow, we had this connection. Or maybe, it was all in my head. Because now, it's gone. 

I know you are not the right guy for me.

Liking a non-committal guy is like committing relationship suicide. LOL 

And you don't see me that way, we have established boundaries. 

But you don't know, the me before knowing you had almost no guy friends. 

I was anti-social and did not know how to talk to guys.  

Whereas you, are the social butterfly. The one who lives in hall, who has 300 likes on a fb profile pic. The one who has countless girl friends. The Mr popular scholar, who has it all. 

We are not compatible, and yet, I wish we are. 

Maybe, 人真的是犯贱的。

We want what we don't have, what we can't have. 

We yearn for what is not ours, yet neglecting what we already have. 

Sometimes, I think of what can be, if we meet at a different age and stage of our life. 

Will you be committal? Will you like me?

Will I like you?  

But I guess, we'll not be the you and me right now. 

Perhaps the me then, may not even like you. 

No point in guessing the unknown. 

I know, all this will come to an end. And that end maybe sooner than we know, since nie is ending soon. 

But, just once, maybe it's closure for myself, I just wanna say, I like you. 

More than just friends. 

But, almost is never enough. 

It never is. 

10.59pm

会心疼了，是不是代表就长大了？

今日，看着老爸到处飞，头发都苍白了。

也许是因为不是每天都看到他，很明显能看到他的苍老。

今天，老爸说他拔掉了第2颗牙。我问他为什么老是牙齿发炎，他说也许是没照顾好。我觉得是因为压力太大。

然后我就问他，如果我工作了，是不是会好一点？他说也许他就会去找不会压力那么大的工。

我的心，就这样痛了。

This job search process has not been easy.
As I slowly acknowledge my lack of skill sets and abilities and how cruel the world can be.
It's not easy, life is hard.
But I'm holding on, holding on still.

因为我的心会痛。

夜深，人静。

好奇妙。
深夜，总会让人沉思。

12.06am.
突然感触良多，不知何去何从。
也许在这一刻，阿妹的歌最能安抚我。

突然發現站了好久　不知道要往哪走 還不想回家的我　再多人陪只會更寂寞 許多話題關於我　就連我也有聽過 我的快樂要被認可　委屈卻沒有人訴說 夜把心　洋蔥般剝落 拿掉防衛剩下什麼 為什麼脆弱時候想你更多 如果你也聽說　有沒有想過我 像普通　舊朋友　還是你　依然會心疼我 好多好多的話想對你說　懸著一顆心沒著落 要怎麼負荷　捨不得又無可奈何 如果你也聽說　會不會相信我 對流言　會附和　還是你　知道我還是我 跌跌撞撞才明白了許多　懂我的人就你一個 想到你想起我　胸口依然溫熱 許多話題關於我　就連我也有聽過 我想我寧可都沉默　解釋反而顯得做作 夜把心　洋蔥般剝落 拿掉防衛剩下什麼 為什麼脆弱時候想你更多

12.09am

Officially 23.
Officially a graduate.
Officially unemployed.

No one ever told me that the 20s will be filled with so much confusion.
I always thought the teenage rebellious years would be the most confusing, little did I realise that would be nth compared to now.
Fresh out of college, I am at the most confusing point of my life yet.
I have no idea what I want to do, I have little confidence of what I am capable of, and suddenly I feel so lost in the big big world.

Life is a series of choices and decision making. But I feel i've never been hit with so much decision making in the past week.
Getting that job offer from NHB and then rejecting it - and it all took only 2 days with tons of advice sought.
Now, I have obtained an internship at a film production company, with little knowledge of what to expect and whether I am mentally prepared for it.

Its the uncertainties that are killing me and my confidence slowly and gradually....
Failure, I have deep fear of it. What ifs? The pessimism in me nags at me every single second - what if this is not what I want? What if it doesn't work out? What if I can't take it? What if I fail?

But, what if this is exactly what i want?
Clarity, that's what I need right now. Yet, I'm continuously swimming in the murky waters of the 20s.
There's so much I need to learn - FIND A CAREER, get a permanent full time job, learn about financial planning, get a BF and get married, start a family blah blah.
This is how life is supposed to be, isn't it?
And I almost seem late to the game, late in the race. I'm still an immature child who can't take hardships.

I have been self-reflecting a lot these past few days.
What do I really want? That ans still eludes me, but I do know I won't get the ans just by thinking or sitting on my butt.
It's only through doing that I will know.
So what if I fail? I can always start over again, it is never too late.

Have faith in yourself. Believe. You can do it, Zhongyun, you can and you will.

23

23.
The age of confusion, bewilderment.
The age of in between - not a girl, not yet a women.
The age where we have so much, yet nothing at all.
The age where the future looks so bright, yet so bleak.

Fresh out of collage, the world is our oyster. But is it, really?

Is it, really?