Family Woes

I really shouldn't be airing dirty laundry in public space

But I guess since nobody reads this blog anw, it is considered private? haha

So, today is CNY day 1 and the same shit last year happened this year again. 

Where does it stem from? Having a narcissistic mum. 

There, I've said it. 

I've always had problems interacting with my mum and we are super not close. 

We always quarrel and I've known this problem of my mum for some time but chose to ignore. 

Only today, she flared at me again. 

Like last year and it is super stupid. 

My dad wants us to head out but I was thinking since River Angbao will only be open in the afternoon and evening, we may as well head out after they have their afternoon nap and have dinner outside. 

I am not disputing or disagreeing to go out together as a family, is just I don't see the point of heading out for the sake of going out. 

BUT, my mum came into my room & gave me this huge lecture about the importance of family bonding before she started lambasting me with all her hurtful words of disliking me as a daughter, regretting giving birth to me etc. 

Same as last year. 

Only, I was way more emotional last year and started crying. 

This yr, I was hurt still, only I chose to let her have the last words and I walked away. 

I realised, dealing with this type of people, there is no need to argue with them because they are always right. They think they are always right. 

Narcissistic Mother + Children = InstabilityChildren experience continued psychological whiplash being raised by a narcissistic mother.  You realize she controls with the threat of withdrawal or rage with you and your siblings.  Your father goes along to get along, or is long gone.
Here are some characteristics a narcissistic mother: 

• The socially engaged mom becomes the controlling mom at home. She’s no longer the woman wearing the perpetual smile that never falters, or at least in everyone else’s eyes. She is demeaning, criticizes, and lets you know in more ways than one that you are not up to her standards.

• She makes you feel like a failure if you’re not doing what she wants right now.Your mom is really good at manipulation, especially when your emotions are involved. If you aren’t fulfilling her desires to make her feel like her needs are at the upmost importance, be prepared to experience pain in the way of criticism or an attack. And, if you are looking for validation, you may be waiting a long time.

• She is easily offended, claiming that she does so much for you. If you don’t give her what she wants, she‘s upset and pulls the “you don’t love me because if you did, you would do what I wanted” card or she’ll simply accuse you of taking her for granted and not appreciating her as a mother.  It’s not above her to compare you unfavorably to someone else who is “good” to his or her mother.

• She is privately opinionated, blasting people, while more forgiving in public. Mom needs to look good in front of everyone, even if she isn’t too fond of them. She ischarismatic, smiles and even holds chats with them while saving her criticism and opinions for the house.

• She finds fault in you. And when you make it right, you barely get a validation. “I’m sorry Mom” is never enough with her and you can never figure out how to please her with an apology.

• She makes you anxious, not filled with self-confidence. She makes you feel inadequate, even if you do something that deserves praise. We all need validation, especially early on in life. A narcissistic mother can instigate self-doubt in everything that you do.

• The world revolves around her. Your mom has to be the center of attention at all times. She needs to be waited on and adored and expects you to provide her with all of the above and more.  

Taken from: X

It's sad, because I feel like my lack of confidence comes from not receiving maternal love since young. 

And it is really affecting every single aspects of my adulthood. 

It's tough, battling such hurtful words and remaining strong when words actually do kill. 

She said she wish I move out, and even hope i go die. 

Which mother will say that to her child? 

Mine. 

I guess, it can't be blamed I am such a Daddy's girl. 

Because only my dad really showers me with love. (But even that is debatable at times)

I don't know how long I can tahan my mum's tempers. 

Which are really quite bad. 

Emotionally and mentally unstable. 

Sigh. Another bad start to a new year. 

But, I hope this year will still turn out great for me. 

At least I didn't blast out like last year or cry.

I am growing up and learning to be better at controlling my emotions. 

Good Job ZY. 

避免

Last day of Goat year, it's CNY eve. 

Over our small reunion dinner just now, Dad stated something which I think makes sense.

He said: 'You know why your cousin can get bfs? It's not because she is pretty or not, it is because her heart is open - she gives others a chance.'

And it really struck me. 

I've not been giving others a chance, instead everytime I question them because of my own inferiority complex. 

How would you know unless you give others a chance? 

请不要害怕结束而把它当借口避免开始。

因为，我们不能预知未来，只能活在当下。

当爱情敲门时，请紧紧的把他抱紧。

 不害怕的人，其实最富有。

人太脆弱，会不停错过。

Happy Monkey Year, Zhongyun.

This year, I will be brave.

Braces Journey #1

TATA!
Huge pic of me in my braces!
I am going to blog about my whole 2 years or so braces journey as it is one of the biggest decision I've made in recent years.

Yes, I have finally put on my braces after almost 2 years of deliberation?
The first consultation I went for braces was when I was still in NUS, yr 4.
And I actually did my teeth mould and x-ray even! But I chickened out in the end =/ Also because I didn't have the $$ necessary then.
Totally wasted my time & $$.

But, it was always in the back of my mind and last year July during my job-hunting period, I went for a consultation again.
This time, I decided to just do it. But the whole process still dragged quite long because it is super hard to book my orthodontist Dr Seow's timing as she is only at my clinic twice a month.
I was initially supposed to do it in Nov, but coz I knew I was going Japan in Dec, I decided to postpone it... till 2nd Feb, this past Tues.
Which is also not a good timing because CNY is the week after, like now.
And I can't eat T.T

Ok, shall begin from the start:

Reason why I want to do braces

Sorry for the pic of my ugly teeth =x
So, my upper front teeth is slightly crooked, but more importantly, can you see the gap in my teeth on the left? (right in the pic above)
I have an open bite and also under bite (my side profile is terrible) meaning that my problem is mostly a bite > teeth alignment problem.
Also, I have one less teeth on my right lower set of teeth. As such, you can see the midlines for my upper set of teeth and lower set doesn't meet. :(
I had to extract a healthy teeth (so sad) from the left before I started my braces.

My X-ray!
I think the open bite and underbite is more obvious here. (Look at the hole)
Honestly, I didn't expect my teeth to be so horrible. HAHHAA
Coz it's really not an alignment problem and over the years I have learnt how to smile in pics without really showing the gap.
But my bite is still a problem and it shows! Esp in candid pics.

One example. It's super obvious here because I took the photo from the side with the gap. :(
So ugly sigh.

Anw! Dr Seow gave me 2 options: pure braces or braces + jaw surgery
I seriously considered the latter option because she informed me for braces, she can at most do a camouflage and won't solve my jaw problem aesthetically.
Meaning, my jaws will still look protruding even after doing braces.
But, I think is really too invasive. Jaw surgery is literally cosmetic surgery in essence, tempting but i think i am too scared.
Either ways, I'll need to do braces.
So I decided to just opt for the pure braces and see what it can do for me.

Extraction:

I did extraction a week before my ortho appt.
And it was actually a really funny experience on hindsight LOL
I went and sat there for quite some time still deliberating whether I shld do braces or not.
Because once I extract there is no turning back or else I will have a huge gap in my teeth.
And when i finally decided, i still requested for the dental assistant's hand LOL
and the dentist had to hide the extraction claws from me HAHHAA
He joked: 'Just don't break my assistant's hand' LOL
Totally treating me like a kid. =/
But the extraction was quite fast, only the thereafter the anaethesia wore off, it was painful hahha.
There was a dull sore? And I think I didn't bite the same gauze long enough. OH YA, pple, if you do extraction, please do not keep changing gauze like i did zzzz
Just keep biting for 40-45mins? It's the pressure that stops the bleeding.
The day after was painful & it was my last day of HDB orientation, so i still went coz we were meeting CEO, although I only slept for ard 3.5 hours the night before.

Putting Braces On:

So a week after the extraction, I FINALLY PUT ON THE BRACES.
I was quite scared to be honest, coz I really didn't know what to expect.
But luckily I had a lot of colleagues and friends who gave me advice (Thanks LL, HJ and Shilei!)
I had KFC for my last lunch LOL. So worth it omg.
And I bought muah chee before actually going in HAHAHA

Dr Seow was really nice. They basically paste the metal brackets on your teeth and then hook the wires through.
It still took ard 1 hr for the whole process.
But what I didn't know then was that I will need to wear rubber bands right from the start!
OMG. The horror.
I think it is the elastics that make braces look so ugly and I look like a vampire now. :(

HAHAHA

SEE!

And I have to put them on 24/7. Coz it is the rubber bands that aligns the bite. SIGH. 

And she put some bite stopper behind my teeth to prevent me from biting the brackets and now my upper and lower teeth can't meet and I can't close my mouth basically. 

And the pain. I will be lying to say there was no pain. My teeth felt so tight and sore during the first 2 days, I literally couldn't touch them at all. 

And the only sensation i felt was pain and hunger HAHAHA

Coz porridge couldn't fill me and I was on liquid food for 2 whole days. 

Heidi had to blend broccoli and then cook pumpkin broccoli porridge for me. I was a BABY. LOL

But, I am so thankful for all my nice colleagues who didn't laugh at me. 

Instead, they all asked me if it was pain a not and why I did it before CNY LOL

That was the no.1 question HAHHAA

Oh well. 

IT WILL BE WORTH IT. 

JB with HJ!

Took half day leave today to go JB with Huijuan to do nails.
LOL didn't expect us to be so crazy hahaha
But it turned out to be super worth it!
I did the one with monkey! And HJ did the gel nails with marble and purple nails with lines and stones!
Mine costs only 164rm and hers 239rm.
Super worth it considering the nail art and effort put in.

The whole journey there was very smooth, we didn't even queue much.
But I can't afford so many half days to travel to JB to do my nails :(
Anw, really glad I had the chance to hang out with her.
HJ is one of the rare pple I met whom I feel the 'click'.
She is just a very fun person to hang out with, or just to talk to.

She shared a lot about herself and in between, I learnt a lot as well.
In many ways, she reminds me of who I may become 2 years down the road.
Currently, I feel she is at this cross road juncture.
One she doesn't know where to go to.
But, don't we all? This generation Y.

We want to achieve, this generation driven by causes.
Yet we are not resilient enough when the going gets tough.
I think, living is so hard. Being an adult is tough.

Had my 4 days of orientation this past week, and I did make a few new acquaintances.
But, I feel like, it's really not easy to make friends beyond the superficial level now.
Everyone wants to make true friends,yet everyone is too wary and guarded to try.
I miss the feeling of meeting someone who doesn't have an agenda .
Alvin and shihan says I'm too innocent.
I think I am too. Too innocent to live in this harsh world.

Too sheltered, too pampered.
Too weak, too fearful.
Too childish, too immature.

Too me, who wears my heart on my sleeve.

Friends?

Felt I should write this down so that the future me can look back and see what 23/24 year old zy was going through.

So, 2015 was a huge change for me as I moved on from being a student to working 'adult' (although I don't feel like an adult yet)

Along with that, another huge change is the change in relationships - friends. 

I think the 20s is the period where one loses the most amount of friends from high school/uni as everyone moves on and tries to find their place in life.

And with work, there's only so much limited time to devote to people, family and yourself (me time is SUPER impt to me, I make sure I have 1.5 days to myself entirely each week)

What's worse, I have become so lazy to keep in touch with pple :x

I'm busy at work so I hardly touch my phone at work, and then when the day ends, I just listen to music on my phone but I can don't use whatsapp for ages, as long as nobody whatsapps me.

In the past, I would have been super bothered but nowadays, I hardly notice it lol 

Liang Lei, my neighbour in my section at work, tells me she goes through 'life cycle' friends

at different stages of her life.

And I agree, because only the pple at different stages of your life shares the same environment and hence have the same things to say.

Nowadays, whenever I talk to others, it's a bit hard unless I really share pics and names of my colleagues etc, coz they don't really know them.

And also because, I spend soooo much time at work, I hardly have the time to socialise and know new people.

Which prolongs my single status haha.

Not saying it's a bad thing, I actually enjoy being single. But I think I should still widen my socialising circle, it's always good to keep an open mind. 

And along with that, I feel like the frequency between me and val is also shifting. 

She is my best friend since secondary school and I still love her dearly.

But she has changed soooooo much ever since she got into a relationship and I am witness of it

And to be honest, I feel like we are moving at different paces.

I understand that she is finding herself and currently she is at a point in her life where she is unhappy with her life and what is in it - she doesn't like working, she doesn't feel trust in her relationship etc.

And being a perfectionist virgo, it doesn't help her cause.

But, I am really tired of seeing her this way.

The thing is, like what she said and concurs, I am not her, as much as I try to empathise, I can't help but to let my brains do the talking.

I don't understand how difficult it is to walk away

To me, the solution is simple - do what you want, while we are still young. If not, just endure this period through.

But of course, reality is not as simple.

And, I think I will just step back and not say anything anymore.

I am sad, at what the path ahead seems. 

But, I think I am slowly getting better at leaving things behind, because new friends will come, as long as you keep your heart open. 

I wanna mention something here, there's this girl at work that I grew really fond of.

We grew closer over the months, and I see her more as a friend than a colleague. 

But, as in most relationships, you are not sure of what the other party sees you as.

So what happened was, this week we sort of agreed on eating KFC for lunch one day, coz she requested it. 

But on the day itself, there was some miscommunication and she thought I wasn't gonna eat with her so she told me she is gonna eat Mcdonald breakfast in the morning and drop KFC.

I was kinda disappointed but I told myself it's ok. 

So I went on busy with work and had a meeting till 12.30pm lunch time. 

But when I opened the meeting corner door, she was out there waiting for me to buy KFC with her. 

HAHHAA at that point in time, I was really surprised.

But I feel really happy too, and thankful. 

I think making friends as an adult, there is this wariness period we have to go through - can we trust the person?

So, we have to take things real slow. But I've always believed that in order to become close with someone, we have to show our vulnerabilities. 

So I did. 

She is a really fun friend to hang out with and I really like her as a friend. 

Thank you, 大坏蛋, for making work less dreadful :)

Division

Went for BLESS house visit with Celine and LiPing tonight.

And I was saddened by some of the family's stories. 

The difference in family economic plight just a road apart surprised me greatly. 

And it made me realise, my complaints on how tedious my 1 hour commute to work is, or how long my 8.5 hours work day is, it all pales in comparison when I put things into perspective. 

At least I have the opportunity, many in life doesn't get opportunities to advance. 

When I'm working 8.5 hours, someone else is working 12 hours or sometimes even 24 hours to put food on the table for her 3 children as a single mom. 

I am more than blessed.

More than blessed, remember this. 

New year 2016.

Back!
Just reached SG from Japan.
This trip turned out a lot better than I expected, although there were a few minor hiccups along the way.
Thought that my trip was way too short and too cramped with activities.
Need to go back soon again! To check out Osaka, Kobe, Nara and Kyoto!
I really love Kyoto and I thought my time there was way too short this time round.

Didn't realise mum took the above pic of me while we were on our way to Narita Airport.
But it captured my sentiment perfectly - Home, but left my heart in Japan. Hahaha

New Year, New Beginnings.
There were a lot of transitions for me in 2015, especially the biggest being a student to working adult.
Everything still feels new and fresh for me and I hope 2016 will be kind to me as well - I don't wish everything goes well but rather, I will have the strength to handle anything that comes my way.

Went Meiji Shrine on the last day of 2015 and I got an amulet praying for a relationship hahaha.
For 2016, I hope I can find an other half. Hehe
Let's see if it comes true by the end of 2016. I hope it does, I really do.

Stay open-minded and be positive.
2016, I'm ready.