思念是一种病

前天，我梦见你了。
在梦里，我们两人还在一起，牵手，拥抱。
天亮了，梦醒了，真实的世界已没有了你。

今天，我又想你了。
想说这一次的失恋我觉得我做的还不错。
没把自己喝醉，没有用dating apps 找一位替代品，哭点也没那么多了，现在唯一的不足就是失眠。。。还有联系你。
想说不联系最好，但是今天又因为武汉肺炎，新加坡买不到口罩然后问你能不能帮忙在马来西亚买。。。
有必要吗？呵呵
看来下次我头脑要动的比手快。

你也很温和的回答了我，但是此刻你的温柔对我却是一种残忍。
也许你真的能做朋友吧，我却扪心自问，发现我唯一会和你做朋友的理由是因为我还放不下，希望有天会再在一起。
但是，又何必呢？如果你真的爱我的话，就不会那么轻易的放弃，并选择自己。
为了一个不珍惜我的人那么伤心，真的不值得。

兜兜绕绕，到头来还是因为你不爱自己，所以不懂得如何爱别人。
这次的沉淀，先学会好好真正的爱自己吧。
我给我自己6个月，到28岁生日时，就是再次出击的时刻。

幸福就在眼前，放下才能拥有。

个人失恋进度表

It's page 23/365 for the year 2020
Today is not such a good day for me.
I've came to realise, I've been trying to heal at incredulous speed.
Because deep within me, I think he has already moved on and I don't want to be stuck myself in the past.

But healing from a heartbreak is a deeply personal issue.
Everyone has their own timeline.
It's 2 steps forward, 1 step back for me today.
And that is alright, tomorrow I will take another step.

It's not a competition, he doesn't matter anymore.
Just heal your own heart, and love yourself.

Happy CNY.

The Last Post

Darius and I broke up after 1 year together.
There's only 1 reason when a couple get together and that is loving each other.
But a 1000 and 1 reasons why a couple decides to end things.

I've been trying to give myself my own closure this past few days.
But the cold hard truth remains that he chose himself over us, and perhaps me picking the quarrels leading up to our eventual break up was the straw that broke the camels back.

There were mistakes, made by both of us.  For him, after the honeymoon period, I could not feel his love for me anymore. His efforts diminished and more and more of the real him showed up.
For me, I became more calculative and kept demanding him to change to become what I want. I said I accepted his ex and him being friends but did I really? Our last furious quarrel was over his ex too.

I did not give him the love he could understand, neither did he give me mine.

What really drove a wedge and broke the trust, was his sudden change of mind about kids.
Out of nowhere, he said he decides not to have kids.
It was his attitude, in making decisions that broke my trust - to him, he gives in terms of small issues like what food to eat, paying for meals etc.
But when it comes to major life decisions, his plans has no us in the picture.
It will be him making a decision and then informing me. It was never a decision that we made together while discussing hey, can we not consider having kids?

For me, I keep rehashing our last few quarrels. I said many harsh words and things I did not mean.
I could not keep my temper and kept venting on him and making our dates filled with negativity.
He had enough, he was so pissed he felt like he was going to snap.

And he decided to break up with me.
For once, I cried and asked for another shot. But his decision has been made.
He broke up with me respectfully, meeting me in person and gave me a closure - he just wants to be alone and it would be better for us in the long run because the kids issue will come up again.  And he doesn't love me anymore.
To me, he just chose himself.

Part of me feels super 不甘心.
Why didn't he choose me? Is it I'm not good enough for him?
And I really really admire and love his character, he is still that sincere and respectful and loyal man I met at the start.  And he apologises first when I get angry if he knows he is in the wrong.  He never got defensive.
I lost a gem, one i'm not sure if I can ever find again.

What this one year taught me, was that a relationship really takes 2 hands to clap.
And it is so fragile.  People can just change like that.

During the relationship, Darius keeps telling me to do things for myself.
I did learn quite a bit from him, just he took things to the extreme.
To him, everyone is replaceable. Cold hard truth and logic.  Maybe it is a logic I need to sink into my mind. I only have myself, so be kinder to myself.

I miss him, I really do. It's a heart wrenching kind of pain, and also filled with fear for the future without him.

But now, I'm closing this chapter.  Thank you for the happy memories, I will bring them with me for life.
I hope the day will come soon, when you are not the first or the last thought on my mind.
And I hope I become a more secure me, who truly knows my boundaries and deal breakers and love myself more.

For the first time in 3 years, I'm staying away from dating apps and talking about relationships.
I am going to talk about me and not about the guys I date. 

I am going to be happy single, for as long as it takes.

2019

Almost the end of 2019, time for the annual ZY reflections hahaha

This year, it's extremely poignant, especially for the last quarter of the year. 

Too many things happened in the past one month, but if I can sum it up, it would be growth. 

I met Mings for dinner earlier tonight, and I asked her what's her 3 main take away from 2019? 

Which prompted me to self reflect too, and my 3 take aways are:

1) People change, things change, the only constant is change

A few years back, I wrote about this. 

Perhaps it's a concept lurking around in my subconscious, but when it consciously happens, I still get taken aback. 

Why do people change? I don't get it. But like many things in life that are out of my control, people belongs to that category. 

Last month, right before our first anniversary, Darius told me he doesn't want to have kids. 

It was such a huge blow to me. I felt so many different layers of emotions - betrayal, sadness, despair, incredulous... 

At my age, I no longer want to start a rs that has no happy ending. So at the start, I asked him, if he wants to have kids? And he said yes. 1 year on, he tells me no. How does one reconcile this? 

For me, it was through tears (I actually cried all the way home from Bugis and cried another 5 hours next day), talking to him, talking to friends and then tears again

We are supposed to have another conversation about this before the end of this year, right now it's just stagnant. 

But the one silver lining about this dicey situation is... it prompted me to think about my motivation for having kids and what's the life I want. 

I was telling Mings, I really tried to imagine not having kids and somehow maybe even managed to achieve a certain level of self-delusion lol 

But then, I realised I do not have the confidence that I would never turn it back on him in the future should our relationship sour.  And should that happen, I will really dislike the me then. 

2) Be surprised, be very surprised

Or in other words, expect the unexpected. 

On hindsight, this relationship exposed me to many new perspectives. 

I never understood how someone can stay friends with their ex, much less one who cheated on you. 

But Darius can. 

I never imagined that I can date someone who is friends with their ex and very much meeting them and chatting with them. 

But I am. 

I never thought I can remain non-defensive in difficult conversations and respect another person's conflicting values which totally goes against what I want. 

But I did. 

Maybe I changed too, which supports point 1 above haha

3) You need to voice out what you want, people can't read minds

This applies to most girls perhaps lol

We want our partners to know what we want without actually telling them (coz once we tell them it totally defeats the purpose)

I do too.

But the contradictory thing is, sometimes we also do not know what we want hahaha

For e.g, a simple situation such as deciding what to eat. Most girls may say anything, but when our bfs provide options we say no to everything they suggest lol that's usually because we do not know what we want either. 

So, if even we ourselves do not understand ourselves completely, how can we expect another party to understand us? 

If we want something, we should tell them. Ask and you shall receive (although sometimes may not, but oh well, at least we tried)

And for my relationship, I realise I have no regrets, that is the highest achievement I think haha

Ending with a quote I saw on relationships that I really like:

世间爱情，不过是钟于，忠于，衷于，终于。
钟情于你 忠诚于你 衷心于你 终止于你

Accepting someone

I think the hardest part of my relationship so far is coming to terms with who my partner is may not be who I imagined, hope or want him to be.
And part of the parcel, is learning how to manage my expectations of him.

Looking at our past photos... I wonder how can things go downhill so drastically if you are the same you and I am the same me.
Honeymoon is a filter and when it's gone, what's left?

Pathway to true love or demise of what once was?

The choice is mine.

Ex's & Oh's

On the topic of Exes... I've never been one who believed in staying in contact or being friends with exes.

Simply because to me, what's in the past should remain in the past. 

And, I share the sentiment that there's only 2 possible scenarios where a broken up couple can remain as friends:

1) They never really loved each other before

2) They still love each other

However... here comes Darius who broke my entire belief system (or rather cause me so much unhappiness)

I've always been sharing the good things about him here, that's because he is really the sweetest and most doting bf to me. 

BUT, there is one major hiccup in our relationship that has persisted since the start - his Ex. 

Before we got together, I was kinda hesitant because he is friends with his ex. 

And is not those kind where you are just friends on social media, but rather the kind that meets up in real life quite often. 

I asked him why and how? Given the situation they ended things (won't elaborate on that here)

He said is because they have mutual friends and social circle... and after some time I realised it's really true, she is everywhere. 

For the last 2 weeks, they have met up twice - 1st is with his past work boss, 2nd is with their UK uni clique. 

And somehow, guess my jealousy boiled over and we had a quarrel about it... tbh it wasn't the first time we had some unhappiness:

1) First time was when I found out he still kept close to thousands of his ex photos on his phone

2) Second time was coz he never deleted his ex and his photos on his IG (yet he doesn't post about us, why the double standard?)

3) Third time was last week

What made me even more unhappy was... he is very adamant on remaining friends with his ex. 

Like this is something he refuses to compromise on... to be fair he did delete their photos on IG, he also deleted some of her photos in his phone but then there's just too many I guess (and his iphone autosyncs with his mac as well) 

I won't fault him on that, because I also kept me and my ex photos on hard drive. 

What I was unhappy about was the whole set-up... because I can't wrap my brains around it. 

To me, there's no need to remain friends coz of common social circles, your friends can manuever around it like meeting separately etc. 

And also, because I can't re-dress someone I undressed before.  Won't you always visualise the person naked if you once had been intimate before? How do you go back to being pure friends? 

Mind you, is not those small talk kinda friends but friends who meet more often than me and my best friend. 

Anyway, I've realised there's no solution to this matter between us, it will always remain as a point of contention because we have different views on this.

But, I've decided to 放过我自己.  Having such constant doubts, comparing myself against her by making the ex a 假想敌 is tiring. 

I should focus on the now, what we have and making myself more confident. 

Just one last thing... I've really never in million years of my life imagined I would one day get into such a situation. 

Guess I struck Toto, he is really a gem. *Roll Eyes*

温柔

和大俊渊在一起9个月了

最初的热情的确退了

但是，奇怪的是，我却越来越爱他。

喜欢他的什么呢？

喜欢他把我喂饱饱的

知道我想吃猪脚醋，就煮给我吃

大俊渊牌猪脚醋哈哈哈

认真的男人最帅

喜欢他不介意扮丑逗我开心

最帅的兔兔了 ;)

但是我最喜欢的

是他对我的温柔

不会和我争谁对谁错

反而和我沟通

会让我

在这9个月里，我从没觉得我是个很难爱的人。

现在回想，真的觉得之前谈的恋爱都不算呵呵

因为都是和只爱自己的人谈

算什么恋爱

For the first time, someone made me feel like maybe I don't deserve him because he is too good to be true. 

So, i'm thankful. 

谢谢你，让我能在感情中当小孩。