Stop.

2 years back, i published a post on self-absorption.
2 years later, i remain the same, or perhaps, even more self-absorbed.

What i mean by self-absorption is living in your own world, as if the world revolves around you.
You set up your own expectations of others and when others don't meet it, it eats you up inside.
My friends say they can't listen to my advise, because i'm bull-shitting.
I used to not agree, but today, i realised they are right.
It's all big words because i don't understand.
When i'm in the situation itself, i realised i'm lost, even lost than them.

Due to my expectation of others, it eats me up inside when people disappoints me.
I can't handle disappointments or failures, though they are everywhere and chases after me everyday.
That's why i whine/complain so much, because i don't know how to deal with disappointments myself.

Honestly, if i meet myself someday, i think i won't like me too.
People always say: Be the person you want to meet someday and currently, i'm not.
I want to be strong and confident. I want to be that person people can trust, people enjoys being around with and someone who knows their direction in life.

I want to be everything i'm not.
Only then, will i like the person i meet.

I used to think i'm ok, at least i will do my best for what's right, for example studies. I always study and try my best to score.
However, is this right?
Recently, i feel like i've spent most of my time studying that i've lost the socialising or emotional growth of my age.
I am socially awkward, that's why till today i'm still an evergreen.
I dunno how it feels like to be in love or to be in a relationship.

It's my fault, of course. I don't go for CCAs or socialise enough, partially because i'm lazy and another part because i find relationships a chore.
Or perhaps, it's just that i haven't found someone i really like.

2 days ago, i did.
And i dunno what came over me that i did something so crazy.
As expected, it didn't came to fruit. Why would it? After 2 days and thinking through it, if i'm the person who had a random stranger walked up to me and requested to be friends, i would think the person was crazy. Ha.

But, i had expectations. Because i had a really good impression of him and i think i like him.
So, i couldn't deal with the surges of disappointments that came after. Val thinks i'm really weird, in a way i've became really possessive and how can my feelings for a stranger be so strong when, well, he doesn't even know my existence and i don't even know him personally.
For all i know, he may have a gf.
It's better this way, it's an open rejection and i got to move on.

Realistically yes, but somehow, there's always that nudging feeling within my heart and i have no idea why.
And i realised i can't talk to Val. As much as best friends are always there for one another, they are humans after all and it's precisely because they are so close to you, they judge you too.

I guess, this is a wake up call.
Stop being so self-absorbed and presume you are living in some fantasy world.
Watching so many dramas have brainwashed me into happy endings and perfect man when such perfection doesn't exist.

The world is a cruel place and it doesn't revolve around you.
Stop expecting others to reciprocate or behave the way you want them to.

Stop.

20 seconds

Today, i did something crazy, something i never thought i'll do in a million years.

And it all began only yesterday, with a dermatologist trip which i initially wanted to delay again.

Anw, to cut the long story short, i met this cute pharmacist at the pharmacy who dispensed my medicine.

And i think it was love at first sight.

HAHAHA omg, that sound so cheesy, ok maybe not love but like.

I really liked him a lot, i dunno why and how but it just happened.

When i walked out of the pharmacy, i realised i didn't take down his name.

And i was already at the MRT gate when i decided to turn back to the pharmacy.

That was the first crazy thing i did.

When i went home, i couldn't stop thinking about him. =x

So i tried to facestalk him but to no avail.

Hmm... so today, i purposely went to the pharmacy again

And val went with me to encourage me on.

I didn't even know what i was supposed to do and i was quite scared.

Almost backed out at the last min but eventually, i mastered the courage to walk up to him and gave him my email in front of freaking everybody in the counter and patients waiting for their med.

OMG.

I was so embarrassed i just muttered some words: 'Can we be friends? Add me on FB BYE!!' and i ran.

LOL

I literally ran out the pharmacy door before i dared to breathe.

I didn't even see his reaction.

But, i am really glad i did it.

I think i'll rather live with a rejection (he doesn't add me on fb/he has a gf) than regret not having gave it a shot.

Today is really the last chance as finals is around the corner and i won't have another chance to go back to sch or the pharmacy.

Maybe it's infatuation? I'm also not sure how i feel, but like i'm telling myself now - no expectations.

I did what i could, i tried, everything else leave it to fate.

HAHAHA

Just felt like recording it down.

20 years old, 18th April 2013.

:)

Update:
Oh well. I don't think he'll contact me.
Now thinking back, my action seem way too much... if it's me and a random stranger come up to me like that, i'll be traumatized too.
Nvm, at least i tried.
I think courage matters a lot in life, i'm glad i mastered up the courage yeah.

Jiayou for finals!!
Till then ~~

Late night

It's comforting whenever i log into this space

Maybe because it's like a secret diary, which i guess no one will ever realise its existence.

This days, i've been feeling very empty and i have no idea why.

There's absolutely nth wrong with my life, perhaps i'll even say everything's going right, except everything's not right.

On the surface, i really find my life good, material wise and i'm very grateful for everything i have.

But i just have this emptiness within, which i can't seem to fill it up.

Maybe it's because of the lack of emotional closeness with others.

I always thought i'm comfortable being alone by myself, but perhaps i'm not as independent as i thought.

Oh well. 

Maybe it's coz of an overwhelming lack of confidence.

I used to think i'm ok looking, but recently, i just feel downright ugly. 

There, i've said it.

Looks - Nah. Brains - Neither here nor there. Street Smart - Nil. Boyfriend - X 

What do i have?

I'm born lucky, in a rather well to do family.

But i couldn't possibly rely on my family forever.

Planned my 21st gathering at Safra.

And what do i get? A straight out rejection when i've already tried my best to accommodate.

Yeah, people always disappoints, esp when you have expectations of them.

I don't even like nutella.

Last stretch. 

Till finals end~