Stop.

2 years back, i published a post on self-absorption.
2 years later, i remain the same, or perhaps, even more self-absorbed.

What i mean by self-absorption is living in your own world, as if the world revolves around you.
You set up your own expectations of others and when others don't meet it, it eats you up inside.
My friends say they can't listen to my advise, because i'm bull-shitting.
I used to not agree, but today, i realised they are right.
It's all big words because i don't understand.
When i'm in the situation itself, i realised i'm lost, even lost than them.

Due to my expectation of others, it eats me up inside when people disappoints me.
I can't handle disappointments or failures, though they are everywhere and chases after me everyday.
That's why i whine/complain so much, because i don't know how to deal with disappointments myself.

Honestly, if i meet myself someday, i think i won't like me too.
People always say: Be the person you want to meet someday and currently, i'm not.
I want to be strong and confident. I want to be that person people can trust, people enjoys being around with and someone who knows their direction in life.

I want to be everything i'm not.
Only then, will i like the person i meet.

I used to think i'm ok, at least i will do my best for what's right, for example studies. I always study and try my best to score.
However, is this right?
Recently, i feel like i've spent most of my time studying that i've lost the socialising or emotional growth of my age.
I am socially awkward, that's why till today i'm still an evergreen.
I dunno how it feels like to be in love or to be in a relationship.

It's my fault, of course. I don't go for CCAs or socialise enough, partially because i'm lazy and another part because i find relationships a chore.
Or perhaps, it's just that i haven't found someone i really like.

2 days ago, i did.
And i dunno what came over me that i did something so crazy.
As expected, it didn't came to fruit. Why would it? After 2 days and thinking through it, if i'm the person who had a random stranger walked up to me and requested to be friends, i would think the person was crazy. Ha.

But, i had expectations. Because i had a really good impression of him and i think i like him.
So, i couldn't deal with the surges of disappointments that came after. Val thinks i'm really weird, in a way i've became really possessive and how can my feelings for a stranger be so strong when, well, he doesn't even know my existence and i don't even know him personally.
For all i know, he may have a gf.
It's better this way, it's an open rejection and i got to move on.

Realistically yes, but somehow, there's always that nudging feeling within my heart and i have no idea why.
And i realised i can't talk to Val. As much as best friends are always there for one another, they are humans after all and it's precisely because they are so close to you, they judge you too.

I guess, this is a wake up call.
Stop being so self-absorbed and presume you are living in some fantasy world.
Watching so many dramas have brainwashed me into happy endings and perfect man when such perfection doesn't exist.

The world is a cruel place and it doesn't revolve around you.
Stop expecting others to reciprocate or behave the way you want them to.

Stop.