Pages

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

How long is forever?


Spent the whole afternoon chatting with Iris at Rise & Grind Co. yesterday afternoon.
As girls do, we chatted about guys haha.
She's planning to BTO with her bf soon, as per the practice for many others around me now.
If I say I don't feel pressured, that would be a lie. (Comparison is the root of all unhappiness!)
But then, I step back and think about it, do I really want to enter a relationship because I'm ready or because of peer pressure?
Haha then again, you don't ever enter something 100% ready don't you, just like a lot of things in life.
I mean, you don't even enter life (when you're born) 100% ready to tackle what lies ahead, what life deals you with.

Felt slightly disoriented yesterday night.
I felt desensitised from everything, especially relationships and people.
Not that I've experienced a lot, I'm lucky that most friends I have stayed.
But, there were instances when some slipped through the cracks of life, and the recent days with my history people made me realise I really enjoy the togetherness, but everyone is moving on with their life and paths.
And I lack the faith we'll stay as friends.
People change. Drift apart. Move on. 
Often, I feel like i'm in a tug of war with myself.
My brain knows realistically all this won't matter after awhile, but my heart still hopes.
But yesterday night, my heart lost its voice.

Maybe, it's because I've finally accepted I must move on.
You don't like me.
It is what it is, no point in hoping.
And I think I'm easing along fine, when I realised I no longer pine for your messages, when I no longer think about you as much as before, when I realised I'll be fine even if we don't meet up again.

Maybe, real love is ultimately just a choice.
"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice."
 I just don't like you enough, I only liked my perception of you.
And when I started hanging out with you more, that perception alters and the more I learnt about you, the more I fell out of love.
It was all in my mind.
I didn't fall in love with you, I fell in love with a fantasy and you can't live in a fantasy forever.
You can't live in wonderland forever.

Is this part of growing up?
Somedays, I wish I can remain naive and a child forever.
Other days, I chide myself for being so naive, why oh why heart?
Following your brain will make life decisions so much easier, without the what ifs.
But, maybe following the heart will be more fulfilling, if you are mentally prepared for the hardships.
Haha perhaps that's why you need to be 'mentally' prepared to chase after the heart and rein it in before unrealism sets in.

I wish, we can freeze time for awhile.
Freeze moments in time for me to relish them fully.
But nothing lasts forever, and sometimes, forever is just one second.

At some point or another, life tears even the best people apart and it’s not always malicious or intentional. It’s just the way things happen. There are going to be times in our lives where we want everything to last forever but they simply can’t – and it’s nobody’s fault or responsibility to fix. It’s just the way the chips fall. The best times are all fleeting, by their very definition. It’s their exceptionality that sets them apart.
Food for thought

Goodbye, xx.




Thursday, October 15, 2015

Ultimate Bae


Went to watch Crimson Peak with Hilda and Bok today. 
It wasn't a horror film, but a comedy LOL. 
Shouldn't spoil it but it was pretty epically funny in some places (spoiler: My bae got stabbed in the face LOL)
Ahhh, I was spending the whole time ogling Tom Hiddleston's beautiful face. 
And his accent, that voice omg
Melted chocolate SIGHS. 

At the end of the film, Hilda was saying she expected more mystery, Bok said she expected more horror and I jabbed in: I expected more Tom Hiddleston LOLLLL
I am unashamedly fan girling hahahahaha
But, seriously. Look at that face. 
How can someone be so perfect? *.*

Have been watching way too many movies this past 2 months. 
Watched Ant Man, Mission Impossible 5, Mr Holmes, 7 Letters, Inside Out, Maze Runner 2,  Hotel Trans 2 and Crimson Peak. 
Wow, that's 8 movies in 2 months LOL
I think I just made a record for myself HAHAHA
4 of them were with JL, haha guess it will be memorable in that sense. 

But I think, Crimson Peak is a nice ending movie to my movie watching streak. 
At least before I start work officially. 
Shall cherish this last 10 days of break before work starts.

_________________________________________________________________

为什么人都要等到失去后才懂得珍惜?
犯贱吗?
HD said this to me ytd, which made me super happy: Because I just want to make you happy. 
It was simple, but so unconditional. 
Makes me realise, there's so many people to cherish, why should I pine over someone who clearly doesn't see me as important?

And I realised I'm really over you. 
How? When I stopped pining for your messages. 
Now, I just need to get over the fact that soon we won't even be meeting up and our lives will divulge and we will just naturally and slowly drift apart. 
Just like most other friendships I have. 

It is what it is. Whatever will be, will be. 




Monday, October 12, 2015

Special Post: Job Hunting Lessons

I think everything in life happens for a reason.
And throughout this whole job hunting process I have really grown and learnt a lot as a person.
I've learnt to be more patient, to be more assertive, to actively try.

Apply First, Think Later.
For the whole past 1 month plus when I was actively job hunting, my motto was this.
If you don't at least throw your name out there by applying, no one will know your existence.
So i applied, even to those positions I would have shunned away from due to my inferiority complex.
But, even if i got rejected and never even obtained that interview chance, at least I tried.
Best was I applied for Unilever Future Leaders program and didn't even pass the psychometric tests HAHAHA.
But it opened my eyes to how competitive such fortune 500 companies are and how difficult it is to get in.
Even if I somehow managed to get in, I don't think I will be happy there either.
Which brings me to the next point:

Desperate as you are, please don't spam. 
Apply more, but to those you at least have a slight hint of interest in.
Finding jobs is a lot like finding a partner, initially everybody have a lot of expectations, but as time drags on, people get more and more desperate and that's when anything becomes fine.
But when you really get that interview chance, trust me, you won't be able to get past.
Because passion or interest, can't be faked.
Even if you faked it and got in, over time, it's only you who will get jaded.

And the level of happiness is different as well.
When I received the offer from CPF, I was happy. But on hindsight, it was due more to the fact my efforts put into the interview was recognised and it paid off. It always feels good to be appreciated for your efforts.
But, when I received the offer from HDB, the happiness was one different from CPF - I was happy because I got what I want and not just another job offer.
I was really blessed to have two job offerings, but it wouldn't have been possible without the most important lesson I've learnt and I hope I will continue to remember and apply it to other aspects in my life:
Good things come to those who wait.  
This.
It didn't come easy. I'm not kidding if I say I have to remind myself this almost every single day.
Patience, that's one thing I didn't have it in me but I realised how valuable it is.
It is not enough just preaching it, but actually practicing it:
(Definition) 'The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious.'

Which is very very tough during difficult times.
I am not saying I managed to achieve it, but I am developing it.

Initially, when everyone was getting job offers and started work in late July/Early August,
I started panicking and developed the worst feeling ever - envy.
I was envious of my friends and wondering what it is in them I don't have?
At that time, I was still doing my internship with HOO and it made me feel even more terrible, I was questioning the reasons why I was still doing an internship?
And that was partially the reason I quit and began job hunting full time.

Job hunting was so painful, made even worse by pressure and expectations.
It was like, almost every job you apply for, you will unconsciously carry hope for a reply, but i've learnt - Companies don't owe you an interview chance.  
You have to earn it, through your resume selling, cover letters - You have to sell yourself to get that chance.
And beyond that, it's out of your control.
So, work on the things you can control, put pressure and stress on the things you can change, and leave the rest to fate and luck.
Job Hunting: 50% timing, 40% hard work, 10% luck.  
As with most stuff in life, it's mostly about timing.
You may have a specific job or industry in mind, but that industry may not have an opening during that time.
And timing and luck plays a large role when it comes to accepting which offer as well.

When I received CPF's offer, I was elated.
But when HDB's interview opportunity came, I had already accepted CPF's and I went with the trying mentality, since no harm going for more interviews and even if i don't get it, I already have half an offer in my pocket.
So I went, with no expectations, and I got HDB's as well.
That's when timing and luck really played a part - I realised I was more keen on HDB's since it was an area i've been interested in trying out all along.
But, CPF's appointment letter signing was earlier than HDB could give me a confirmed offer.
So, I pressurized HDB's side, but they could only promise so much.
And then, when I couldn't make a choice, I decided to just sleep on it.
Hahaha that was my choice - I left it to fate: timing and luck.

As luck would have it, the offer came through in time.
Good things, really do come to those who wait.

Honestly, I have not been to many interviews and not that many rejections as well.
But I have had my fair bit of rejections, and

Rejections are never easy to accept, nor take in. 
 It eats up your self-worth, or whatever there is left, as the unemployed days drag on.
The only word that could describe what I felt most of the time was stagnant.
I felt stagnant, like my life was on hold as I watch everyone else around me move on to another stage.
But, I think not putting everything in one basket helped me - by looking for distractions.

Find things you love to distract you, and you may pick up skills useful for job interviews too. 
I was looking out for volunteering opportunities as well, since I figured I have so much time on my hands.
Val introduced me to BLESS since they were looking for more volunteers.
And I decided to add that into my resume and it became a talking point for every single interview I went, just to fill up the spaces when they ask me what I do in my spare time.
But I really do enjoy volunteering, so I have signed up for this year's ASEAN Para Games, which is going to be held in December.

At times, it's all about keeping things in perspective too.
When I was at my worst, Pam shared an advice with me after having gone through her own depressive stage in job hunting:

Think of it this way: It's just a job, there is more to life than working. 
It's easier said than done, but you owe it to yourself to work on it.
It's an attitude, that can be applied to almost everything in life.

Things come, when you least expect them. 

Stay positive, stay healthy, keep trying and that job will come.

Opportunities do not come easy, I'm really thankful and I know you all will be one day too. :)

不是我不明白

Finally, I'm finally feeling much much better (although still coughing my lungs out), but in comparison to last week, this is an improvement.
Last week, I was coughing so badly during my meeting with my DD that he felt so bad for me he kept asking me to drink hot water, so nice of him!
And I had a 2hours orientation with him because he wouldn't be in the office on the day I start: 26 Oct.
Omg, can't believe I will be a full fledged working adult in 2 weeks time.
Not sure if I'm mentally (& emotionally) ready, but I hope for the best.

Spent wed at NMS for Grace's group real run and it was a success! TATA.
Then spent the evening with JL, watched Hotel Transylvania 2, forgot what 1 was about but 2 was quite funny, only I was pretty sick, couldn't enjoy it as much.
Spent Fri with Heng, SHOPPING.
Using her credit card hahaha, i'm on credit too.
Then met the history gang for grace bday dinz at night and catching up, although it was a pretty short catchup, it was nice seeing each other again.
I'm really really glad most of the history people are employed and is really a mixture of organisations, although 80% are in public sector and just a handful in private.
But it really shows that a history degree doesn't limit your possible career paths, as long as you are realistic and passionate about them.
Really really happy for all of us, and who knows where we will be 5 or 10 years down the road?

____________________________________________________________



茹:不是我不明白
這樣並不算太壞
懂得愛 說來無奈
來自對你虧待 沒刻意掩埋
沒對他坦白 你還在


不是我不明白,只是还没接受。
也许,我太固执了,一直想要控制一切。
但,成长的一部分就是发现世上有太多无法控制的事,特别是人与人之间的感情。
看淡了,平常心,让自己开心点吧。
我的那个他,还要等多久呢?

Monday, October 5, 2015

Burning Hot

So, I'm sick zzzzzz.
Haven't had fever in a long time, I've forgotten how sucky it feels.
But yesterday, at mum's dance performance at VCH, I developed a fever, must be the accumulation of my sickness throughout the past 2 weeks.
Had a terrible night, woke up three times in total to change ice packet and also my cloth on my forehead.
Aurgh, and then slept the whole day away today too.
Luckily, I'm feeling much much better now, hopefully I will get better soon, before wed!

I've decided on HDB and have officially rejected CPF last week.
Gonna go sign the appointment letter and meet the Deputy Director thereafter this thurs.
Was genuinely surprised when the DD offered to meet me again last week, my oh my.
This also means I'm going to start work real soon and as much as I'm excited, the thought of officially starting work so soon is quite scary too. =/
Oh well, shldn't overthink and just have faith in myself. Jiayou zhongyun!

______________________________________________________________

Went to NMS again this past Saturday for Grace's team's dry run.
Was surprisingly quite fun and we had Maki-san for lunch!
Haha was just telling Heng the night before that I had craving for Maki-san and then I got to eat it the next day, yay!
Going to go for their official run this coming Wed too and I am pretty excited about it hahaha.

After their test run, I went Vivo to wait for Val, Pam and Chi coz we were gonna go USS halloween night.
Finally! After 2 years.
But, I feel that this year's wasn't as scary lol.
Or is it because the novelty wore off?
And, we only managed to go 2 haunted houses coz the queues were FREAKING long. zzzzzz
Is ultimate sian and felt like a waste of money.

We reached home at 2 am and I was dead tired, slept at 3 am.
Maybe it is because of a culmination of all these lack of sleep and also the haze that made me fell sick.
Haha everything also blame the haze.

_______________________________________________________________

Why am I still waiting?
On the surface and even rhetorically, I keep saying I'm getting over you.
But somehow, I still crave attention from you.
Maybe, it is because I don't feel security in this friendship and I am really expecting too much.
If we eventually drift apart, so be it.
Isn't that the case? We were never that close to begin with anyway, and our lives are going to diverge very very fast.

So, curb your expectations, zhong, and learn to let go.

Let go.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Touched


Look what came in the mail yesterday! (Since it's past 12 am now)
Care package all the way from Hong Kong with Japanese goodies!
Was so so touched by HD's action I almost teared. T.T
I didn't know anything and when the delivery man came with the package I still asked him: ' Did I buy anything recently?' And he looked at me like I'm an idiot LOL
No one has ever done something like this for me before, I am really very blessed and thankful.

Thank you, I am blessed. :D