Stay is a sensitive word.

"Stay is a sensitive word. We wear who stayed and who left in our skin forever." - Nayyirah Waheed

This past week has been interesting.
For one, I had loads of firsts this week.

1) First Course Opening Briefing

So, one of the courses under me requires an opening (& also graduation ceremony) for every class and I did my first opening this week.
If you know me, you will know I am absolutely terrified of public speaking.
BUT, I did it! YAY
hahaha
What made it even more nerve wrecking was my boss actually came.
He wasn't supposed to come because he has a course to attend but he actually came.
Hahaha I am grateful but it made things so much more nerve wrecking.

OH WELL.
I think there are still loads of areas i can improve on but I am glad I did it.
YAY 3 cheers for taking a step forward in the ' Fake it till you make it'!

2) First Art Jamming @ Arteastiq

It's not the first time I went arteastiq, I went before with Pam & Chi for the disastrous intended birthday dinner for Val that didn't work out.
But anw! We didn't draw that time but what is special about Arteastiq is they provide art jamming sessions where you can unleash your inner piccassos HAHA
But each session is pretty ex - $48 per pax for 3 hours.
I got to try it for free though - courtesy to CDG OE day!
hehe

20 of us from CDG went down and we were allocated into 4 person/grp.
Tasked to draw one of HDB's shared values and our group drew Excellence!
I must say, I was impressed with the artistic talents of everyone haha
Didn't expect so many people that can draw so well.

 Our group with our end product!
It's actually a lot of small colourful stars leading to the big star.
HAHAHA it was actually super fun! And i laughed a lot with melissa.
Because I realised I can't draw stars zzz
Stars may look simple but are actually quite diff to draw them well.
I was literally writing 大by the end LOL

And I realised drawing is very therapeutic.
Something about colours and the brush on canvas just smoothes out your worries.
haha but it's quite an expensive hobby I must say.

3) First Meditation session with Mum and Dad

We are a family that bonds through meditation HAHAHA
So one day, mum suddenly came to me and asked me if i am interested in this meditation course she and my dad signed up for.
I went to check it out and since it is at Bishan, 2 stops away from my workplace and mum can come pick us up, i decided to sign up.
On Mon this week, we went for our first session after work.
It was a MASSIVE group meditation, like at least 100 pple in the huge hall.
The monk leading was pretty funny hahahaha
In the way he says things so matter of factly.
Although I did feel it wasn't that effective, esp for a first timer like me.
I couldn't shut my brain off and be in the moment.
But! Still an experience which I hope i will get better in.
5 more sessions to go!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Always knew this day will come, but knowing doesn't mean you are prepared for it.
I knew the lunch girls, most of them were thinking of leaving, seeking greener pastures.
Afterall, some of them have alr been here for 2-3 years, it's time.
Still, I am sad to see this and hear them go.
Part of me wishes things can stay this way forever, but I guess, sometimes forever is just 1 second.

Really, really glad I met this bunch of lovely colleagues.
And I realised, no matter how many times I say goodbye, I will never get used to it.
Many times, instead of goodbye, I want to say 'stay'.
Stay, in my life.
But, stay, is a sensitive word.
And, love is an act of letting go.

Family Woes

I really shouldn't be airing dirty laundry in public space

But I guess since nobody reads this blog anw, it is considered private? haha

So, today is CNY day 1 and the same shit last year happened this year again. 

Where does it stem from? Having a narcissistic mum. 

There, I've said it. 

I've always had problems interacting with my mum and we are super not close. 

We always quarrel and I've known this problem of my mum for some time but chose to ignore. 

Only today, she flared at me again. 

Like last year and it is super stupid. 

My dad wants us to head out but I was thinking since River Angbao will only be open in the afternoon and evening, we may as well head out after they have their afternoon nap and have dinner outside. 

I am not disputing or disagreeing to go out together as a family, is just I don't see the point of heading out for the sake of going out. 

BUT, my mum came into my room & gave me this huge lecture about the importance of family bonding before she started lambasting me with all her hurtful words of disliking me as a daughter, regretting giving birth to me etc. 

Same as last year. 

Only, I was way more emotional last year and started crying. 

This yr, I was hurt still, only I chose to let her have the last words and I walked away. 

I realised, dealing with this type of people, there is no need to argue with them because they are always right. They think they are always right. 

Narcissistic Mother + Children = InstabilityChildren experience continued psychological whiplash being raised by a narcissistic mother.  You realize she controls with the threat of withdrawal or rage with you and your siblings.  Your father goes along to get along, or is long gone.
Here are some characteristics a narcissistic mother: 

• The socially engaged mom becomes the controlling mom at home. She’s no longer the woman wearing the perpetual smile that never falters, or at least in everyone else’s eyes. She is demeaning, criticizes, and lets you know in more ways than one that you are not up to her standards.

• She makes you feel like a failure if you’re not doing what she wants right now.Your mom is really good at manipulation, especially when your emotions are involved. If you aren’t fulfilling her desires to make her feel like her needs are at the upmost importance, be prepared to experience pain in the way of criticism or an attack. And, if you are looking for validation, you may be waiting a long time.

• She is easily offended, claiming that she does so much for you. If you don’t give her what she wants, she‘s upset and pulls the “you don’t love me because if you did, you would do what I wanted” card or she’ll simply accuse you of taking her for granted and not appreciating her as a mother.  It’s not above her to compare you unfavorably to someone else who is “good” to his or her mother.

• She is privately opinionated, blasting people, while more forgiving in public. Mom needs to look good in front of everyone, even if she isn’t too fond of them. She ischarismatic, smiles and even holds chats with them while saving her criticism and opinions for the house.

• She finds fault in you. And when you make it right, you barely get a validation. “I’m sorry Mom” is never enough with her and you can never figure out how to please her with an apology.

• She makes you anxious, not filled with self-confidence. She makes you feel inadequate, even if you do something that deserves praise. We all need validation, especially early on in life. A narcissistic mother can instigate self-doubt in everything that you do.

• The world revolves around her. Your mom has to be the center of attention at all times. She needs to be waited on and adored and expects you to provide her with all of the above and more.  

Taken from: X

It's sad, because I feel like my lack of confidence comes from not receiving maternal love since young. 

And it is really affecting every single aspects of my adulthood. 

It's tough, battling such hurtful words and remaining strong when words actually do kill. 

She said she wish I move out, and even hope i go die. 

Which mother will say that to her child? 

Mine. 

I guess, it can't be blamed I am such a Daddy's girl. 

Because only my dad really showers me with love. (But even that is debatable at times)

I don't know how long I can tahan my mum's tempers. 

Which are really quite bad. 

Emotionally and mentally unstable. 

Sigh. Another bad start to a new year. 

But, I hope this year will still turn out great for me. 

At least I didn't blast out like last year or cry.

I am growing up and learning to be better at controlling my emotions. 

Good Job ZY. 

避免

Last day of Goat year, it's CNY eve. 

Over our small reunion dinner just now, Dad stated something which I think makes sense.

He said: 'You know why your cousin can get bfs? It's not because she is pretty or not, it is because her heart is open - she gives others a chance.'

And it really struck me. 

I've not been giving others a chance, instead everytime I question them because of my own inferiority complex. 

How would you know unless you give others a chance? 

请不要害怕结束而把它当借口避免开始。

因为，我们不能预知未来，只能活在当下。

当爱情敲门时，请紧紧的把他抱紧。

 不害怕的人，其实最富有。

人太脆弱，会不停错过。

Happy Monkey Year, Zhongyun.

This year, I will be brave.

Braces Journey #1

TATA!
Huge pic of me in my braces!
I am going to blog about my whole 2 years or so braces journey as it is one of the biggest decision I've made in recent years.

Yes, I have finally put on my braces after almost 2 years of deliberation?
The first consultation I went for braces was when I was still in NUS, yr 4.
And I actually did my teeth mould and x-ray even! But I chickened out in the end =/ Also because I didn't have the $$ necessary then.
Totally wasted my time & $$.

But, it was always in the back of my mind and last year July during my job-hunting period, I went for a consultation again.
This time, I decided to just do it. But the whole process still dragged quite long because it is super hard to book my orthodontist Dr Seow's timing as she is only at my clinic twice a month.
I was initially supposed to do it in Nov, but coz I knew I was going Japan in Dec, I decided to postpone it... till 2nd Feb, this past Tues.
Which is also not a good timing because CNY is the week after, like now.
And I can't eat T.T

Ok, shall begin from the start:

Reason why I want to do braces

Sorry for the pic of my ugly teeth =x
So, my upper front teeth is slightly crooked, but more importantly, can you see the gap in my teeth on the left? (right in the pic above)
I have an open bite and also under bite (my side profile is terrible) meaning that my problem is mostly a bite > teeth alignment problem.
Also, I have one less teeth on my right lower set of teeth. As such, you can see the midlines for my upper set of teeth and lower set doesn't meet. :(
I had to extract a healthy teeth (so sad) from the left before I started my braces.

My X-ray!
I think the open bite and underbite is more obvious here. (Look at the hole)
Honestly, I didn't expect my teeth to be so horrible. HAHHAA
Coz it's really not an alignment problem and over the years I have learnt how to smile in pics without really showing the gap.
But my bite is still a problem and it shows! Esp in candid pics.

One example. It's super obvious here because I took the photo from the side with the gap. :(
So ugly sigh.

Anw! Dr Seow gave me 2 options: pure braces or braces + jaw surgery
I seriously considered the latter option because she informed me for braces, she can at most do a camouflage and won't solve my jaw problem aesthetically.
Meaning, my jaws will still look protruding even after doing braces.
But, I think is really too invasive. Jaw surgery is literally cosmetic surgery in essence, tempting but i think i am too scared.
Either ways, I'll need to do braces.
So I decided to just opt for the pure braces and see what it can do for me.

Extraction:

I did extraction a week before my ortho appt.
And it was actually a really funny experience on hindsight LOL
I went and sat there for quite some time still deliberating whether I shld do braces or not.
Because once I extract there is no turning back or else I will have a huge gap in my teeth.
And when i finally decided, i still requested for the dental assistant's hand LOL
and the dentist had to hide the extraction claws from me HAHHAA
He joked: 'Just don't break my assistant's hand' LOL
Totally treating me like a kid. =/
But the extraction was quite fast, only the thereafter the anaethesia wore off, it was painful hahha.
There was a dull sore? And I think I didn't bite the same gauze long enough. OH YA, pple, if you do extraction, please do not keep changing gauze like i did zzzz
Just keep biting for 40-45mins? It's the pressure that stops the bleeding.
The day after was painful & it was my last day of HDB orientation, so i still went coz we were meeting CEO, although I only slept for ard 3.5 hours the night before.

Putting Braces On:

So a week after the extraction, I FINALLY PUT ON THE BRACES.
I was quite scared to be honest, coz I really didn't know what to expect.
But luckily I had a lot of colleagues and friends who gave me advice (Thanks LL, HJ and Shilei!)
I had KFC for my last lunch LOL. So worth it omg.
And I bought muah chee before actually going in HAHAHA

Dr Seow was really nice. They basically paste the metal brackets on your teeth and then hook the wires through.
It still took ard 1 hr for the whole process.
But what I didn't know then was that I will need to wear rubber bands right from the start!
OMG. The horror.
I think it is the elastics that make braces look so ugly and I look like a vampire now. :(

HAHAHA

SEE!

And I have to put them on 24/7. Coz it is the rubber bands that aligns the bite. SIGH. 

And she put some bite stopper behind my teeth to prevent me from biting the brackets and now my upper and lower teeth can't meet and I can't close my mouth basically. 

And the pain. I will be lying to say there was no pain. My teeth felt so tight and sore during the first 2 days, I literally couldn't touch them at all. 

And the only sensation i felt was pain and hunger HAHAHA

Coz porridge couldn't fill me and I was on liquid food for 2 whole days. 

Heidi had to blend broccoli and then cook pumpkin broccoli porridge for me. I was a BABY. LOL

But, I am so thankful for all my nice colleagues who didn't laugh at me. 

Instead, they all asked me if it was pain a not and why I did it before CNY LOL

That was the no.1 question HAHHAA

Oh well. 

IT WILL BE WORTH IT.