On the fence about having children

One of the reason D and I broke up was because of children and how our vision of life and values are too different.

I never envisioned a life without children, because babies are cute and to me, a family and marriage must have kids. 

However, recently I had a change in thoughts.  

Not because of any grand reasons like climate change, want a better life for children in the future but more of I don't think I will be a good mother based on my temper now. 

One of my biggest fear is becoming someone like my mother.

But temper wise, I am extremely like her - reactive, defensive, accusatory and jumps to conclusions. 

I realised how damaging it is to a person's self worth and esteem, and the reason for doing so is less of the other person but because I feel hurt. 

Do I want to become a mother like that and hurt my child? Nope, I don't want this to continue on. 

And, I realised how important the family environment is to nurturing loving children who can ingrain and contribute to society. 

It all starts from the family and home. 

Material wise, my family is doing alright. Maybe on the surface people even think our family is good. 

But internally, there are so many issues. 

I think at it's core, my mum just has her bias towards me. Whatever I do, will never be good enough. 

Whereas for my bro, he doesn't have to do anything and she still compliments him. 

But, I have decided to recognise, it is not me, it is her. My mum grew up in an unloving family too. 

And it is this cycle, that will continue to perpetuate if nothing is done. 

To me, I want to find a loving, respectful and caring partner who shares my life vision and grows with me. And, that partner is more important than the child. If I remain single for life, I wouldn't want a child as well. 

Is marriage on the plate? Yes, I would still love to get married. 

Marriage to females is a sense of security as it is a commitment.  But, I've decided not to force it. 

If I have the chance to be in love with someone who loves me at the same time again, this time I wouldn't force it and will just let things be.

28 in CB

Happy 28th Birthday to me! 

This year is special, because it's spent in Circuit Breaker mode...

Normally, I will be either overseas or in staycations but this year.

I had zero expectations, and it totally exceeded everything. 

I am very very thankful to every single person who wished me Happy Birthday
And amazed by the C.S.I skills some of my friends have in finding out my home address and sending the following sweets:

Thanks for the Bloombox flowers and Muyoo BBTs from Kit 

4 jars of Grin Affair cakes from my fav 'mean girls' in office - Shuzhen and Ginny.. without those girls life in my office would have been very bland...

Thanks for adding so much joy for the past 2.5 years :)

And my sweetest HDB girls Cheryl BB and Rachel BB

They are the real legendary CSIs, I teared when seeing their Bud Box and Luna cakes omg

And another 2 CSIs experts - Caitlin and YMM

So thankful for these girls for brightening my days in the office #loveu4eva

And 大坏蛋 Hui Juan also somehow managed to find my address and send YOLE over

Thank you 

And a big thank you to Darius as well...

Someone delivered my fav chai latte and carrot cake over but didn't leave a note or name

omg then I was kinda frustrated and even called SB to try finding out who it is

Actually I guessed it could have been him as not many people know what drink I like, but then it's kinda odd to assume so I left it be...

Turns out it was really him. 

Thank you ^^

Thank you to my family, bff Val and everyone who wished me happy birthday today too~

Special thanks to my DAD, I will be nothing without you

I'm blessed because of all of you

It is what it is, whatever will be will be

Someday, I hope I can look at our photos without a twinge of sadness.

What's harder than letting go of you, is my image of you and the memories we had. 

I wanted to blog about Bali, the trip we took in Sep last year for the birthday boy. 

But looking at the photos, it's mostly us haha

It wasn't the best trip, because I recall being angry at him over the fact he wanted to nua and not wanting to try riding the scooters due to danger

But, it was still a fun trip overall. 

I'm not a beach person, and it was my first time wearing bikini for the trip.

Doubt I'll do another Bali trip haha

On day 2 I booked a day tour for us to a few scenic places and Wayan our tour guide was like the best IG bf 

He spammed so many photos of us (me mostly actually)

Mandatory Bird's Nest post in Bali

There were so many Wayans in Bali, then I got to learn Balinese pple name their sons/daughters according to their positions at birth.  The first born is named Wayan, meaning eldest. 

We had so many Babi dishes in Bali, including street side satays

Bali is real good for cafe hopping too at Seminyak.

 Sisterfield's Cafe

Haha my thoughts are all over the place, think it's still too premature for me to look at all the photos

And he could still tell me so calmly that he was looking at past photos and the food speaks out to him

Guys and girls really move on at different pace ah. Or rather, the one who loves more (or got broken up with) tends to take longer to move on. 

I thought I'm over him, he is really not on my mind all the time now. 

Just that when he does slip through or I start thinking about our good times last year, that's when it starts hurting again. 

Thank you, for everything we had. 

It is what it is, whatever will be will be.