I never envisioned a life without children, because babies are cute and to me, a family and marriage must have kids.
However, recently I had a change in thoughts.
Not because of any grand reasons like climate change, want a better life for children in the future but more of I don't think I will be a good mother based on my temper now.
One of my biggest fear is becoming someone like my mother.
But temper wise, I am extremely like her - reactive, defensive, accusatory and jumps to conclusions.
I realised how damaging it is to a person's self worth and esteem, and the reason for doing so is less of the other person but because I feel hurt.
Do I want to become a mother like that and hurt my child? Nope, I don't want this to continue on.
And, I realised how important the family environment is to nurturing loving children who can ingrain and contribute to society.
It all starts from the family and home.
Material wise, my family is doing alright. Maybe on the surface people even think our family is good.
But internally, there are so many issues.
I think at it's core, my mum just has her bias towards me. Whatever I do, will never be good enough.
Whereas for my bro, he doesn't have to do anything and she still compliments him.
But, I have decided to recognise, it is not me, it is her. My mum grew up in an unloving family too.
And it is this cycle, that will continue to perpetuate if nothing is done.
To me, I want to find a loving, respectful and caring partner who shares my life vision and grows with me. And, that partner is more important than the child. If I remain single for life, I wouldn't want a child as well.
Is marriage on the plate? Yes, I would still love to get married.
Marriage to females is a sense of security as it is a commitment. But, I've decided not to force it.
If I have the chance to be in love with someone who loves me at the same time again, this time I wouldn't force it and will just let things be.
No comments:
Post a Comment