Today, i realised something.
It took me so long, or perhaps deep down i've always known it but i've never confronted it straight.
So, i'm just gonna announce it: I have an inferiority complex and it's the root to all my problems.
Maybe, if i'm comfortable in my own skin, i'll be more confident.
I'll feel secure without needing to please others.
I won't fake happiness for others, i'll genuinely be happy for them.
I won't envy others, because i'll be secure with everything i have.
I will take failure in stride, because i know i'm good enough to try again and there's something better for me out there.
And i won't need to constantly compete with others and be better than them, just to make myself feel worthy.
I won't look down on others just to make myself feel better.
I think, i've really reached my last straw.
Can't believe i'll say this.
I'm officially tired of myself.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Thrown
I feel like i'm thrown back to how things were 2 years ago, when i left SSLC.
Only this time, the period is much shorter and the boss is much nicer.
I guess, i must be a really sentimental person. For i'm sad at leaving even after only being in the company for 9 days.
It seems like the older i become, the more sentimental i become and the more i feel sad at leaving.
The realistic part of me knows that i will forget about them after about a week.
Everything will go back to normal, life goes on.
But, the sentimental part of me is making my heart ache.
Tmr's Christmas.
And after that, new year.
And another year, gone just like that.
I used to give annual reflections of the year gone by.
But as i grow older, the more i seem to escape.
Recently, the feeling of loneliness seems to be creeping on me a lot more.
Maybe it is because almost everyone around me is attached.
Maybe it is because Val is not here.
Maybe it is because, i am really alone.
I don't know.
I want to be happier, but i seem to be sad all the time.
I want more, but i don't know what i want.
I want to be left alone, yet i feel lonely.
What exactly do you want?
Huh?
Only this time, the period is much shorter and the boss is much nicer.
I guess, i must be a really sentimental person. For i'm sad at leaving even after only being in the company for 9 days.
It seems like the older i become, the more sentimental i become and the more i feel sad at leaving.
The realistic part of me knows that i will forget about them after about a week.
Everything will go back to normal, life goes on.
But, the sentimental part of me is making my heart ache.
Tmr's Christmas.
And after that, new year.
And another year, gone just like that.
I used to give annual reflections of the year gone by.
But as i grow older, the more i seem to escape.
Recently, the feeling of loneliness seems to be creeping on me a lot more.
Maybe it is because almost everyone around me is attached.
Maybe it is because Val is not here.
Maybe it is because, i am really alone.
I don't know.
I want to be happier, but i seem to be sad all the time.
I want more, but i don't know what i want.
I want to be left alone, yet i feel lonely.
What exactly do you want?
Huh?
Thursday, October 24, 2013
All things will pass
This will probably be the last post i'm writing in NZL.
I'm returning home this sunday, 27th October.
I had been so adamant on returning home, went to lengths for it.
But now that everything has been finalised, there's that tinge of sadness.
As much as i still long for home, i know this part of my life has came to an end.
And it's sad, because this exchange could have been better on so many accounts.
I've learnt, that people are mostly selfish.
Including me.
I've always had so much expectations from others, but i know unless the other person matters enough, no one will be willing to go the extra length for you.
Except for your family.
That's why, at the end of the day, i am glad i still have my family.
Or at least, my dad.
It's enough, at the end of the day, to have 1 person who cares.
That's not saying i am not going to accept others who come along.
But i just know there are limitations to how much one is willing to give to a passer-by.
So, thank you beautiful passerbys.
I have met so many this past 3 months.
Although there have been regrets, it has been enriching to know each and everyone.
Because there is always something worth learning from each and every experience.
New ZeaLand is beautiful, most of the people are beautiful too.
But, maybe it is just not the place for me.
So, thank you for the past 3 months.
Now, it's time for goodbye.
I will bring home only the fond memories and someday, i may come back. :)
Love,
Zhongyun
I'm returning home this sunday, 27th October.
I had been so adamant on returning home, went to lengths for it.
But now that everything has been finalised, there's that tinge of sadness.
As much as i still long for home, i know this part of my life has came to an end.
And it's sad, because this exchange could have been better on so many accounts.
I've learnt, that people are mostly selfish.
Including me.
I've always had so much expectations from others, but i know unless the other person matters enough, no one will be willing to go the extra length for you.
Except for your family.
That's why, at the end of the day, i am glad i still have my family.
Or at least, my dad.
It's enough, at the end of the day, to have 1 person who cares.
That's not saying i am not going to accept others who come along.
But i just know there are limitations to how much one is willing to give to a passer-by.
So, thank you beautiful passerbys.
I have met so many this past 3 months.
Although there have been regrets, it has been enriching to know each and everyone.
Because there is always something worth learning from each and every experience.
New ZeaLand is beautiful, most of the people are beautiful too.
But, maybe it is just not the place for me.
So, thank you for the past 3 months.
Now, it's time for goodbye.
I will bring home only the fond memories and someday, i may come back. :)
Love,
Zhongyun
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Growth
And so....
I've reached almost the end of my exchange.
The thing is, i've never felt so vulnerable and weak in my life before.
Except for the past few weeks.
I've learnt a lot from this experience.
1) Is to be dependent on no one but myself.
The truth is, people seldom care enough for another.
They are only there because you are of use to them - as a companion, or perhaps certain useful stuff.
Seldom, do people willingly help another.
It's sad, isn't it?
But, at the end of the day, there's no one for you but yourself.
2) How much my dad loves me
He worried so much for me...
How lucky i am to be born in this family.
I am blessed, really.
3) Not to judge so much.
Everybody has their worries and their problems...
I must try to be open-minded and receptive rather than judging easily.
I really don't want to go back to the old me.
The old immature, whiny and judgmental me.
So, take a step at a time.
Do one thing at a time.
Remind yourself daily yeah, not to judge, to be open-minded.
Not to be KPO, people do not need judgments but support.
Don't whine, just do.
Jiayou Zhongyun.
No matter what decision you make, just know i'll always be here for you.
I've reached almost the end of my exchange.
The thing is, i've never felt so vulnerable and weak in my life before.
Except for the past few weeks.
I've learnt a lot from this experience.
1) Is to be dependent on no one but myself.
The truth is, people seldom care enough for another.
They are only there because you are of use to them - as a companion, or perhaps certain useful stuff.
Seldom, do people willingly help another.
It's sad, isn't it?
But, at the end of the day, there's no one for you but yourself.
2) How much my dad loves me
He worried so much for me...
How lucky i am to be born in this family.
I am blessed, really.
3) Not to judge so much.
Everybody has their worries and their problems...
I must try to be open-minded and receptive rather than judging easily.
I really don't want to go back to the old me.
The old immature, whiny and judgmental me.
So, take a step at a time.
Do one thing at a time.
Remind yourself daily yeah, not to judge, to be open-minded.
Not to be KPO, people do not need judgments but support.
Don't whine, just do.
Jiayou Zhongyun.
No matter what decision you make, just know i'll always be here for you.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Dooms Day
I thought this day will never come
or perhaps i was just plain naive.
It did.
And now, i'm petrified.
Not knowing what to do or what else could go wrong.
I'm having a relapse.
Of acne and seb derm and rosacea.
All over my face, back, chest and neck.
To top it off, i have keratosis pillaris as well. :(
And even worse, i'm overseas right now.
I don't know how long i can deal with this.
It's taking an emotional toll on me, like i can't focus on anything else.
All i wanna do, is find a cure.
I want myself to be cured, but i don't know how and what to do.
This is so hard, i want to go home.
Someone, grant me the strength to tide this through.
Coz i don't know how long i can hold on.
or perhaps i was just plain naive.
It did.
And now, i'm petrified.
Not knowing what to do or what else could go wrong.
I'm having a relapse.
Of acne and seb derm and rosacea.
All over my face, back, chest and neck.
To top it off, i have keratosis pillaris as well. :(
And even worse, i'm overseas right now.
I don't know how long i can deal with this.
It's taking an emotional toll on me, like i can't focus on anything else.
All i wanna do, is find a cure.
I want myself to be cured, but i don't know how and what to do.
This is so hard, i want to go home.
Someone, grant me the strength to tide this through.
Coz i don't know how long i can hold on.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Feeling tired
Still in New Zealand.
Spend the past 2 wks of the mid semester break travelling for 14 days straight.
Went to Hokitika, Hanmer Springs, Auckland, Wellington, Lake Tekapo, Lake Pukaki, Queenstown, Te Anau, Milford Sound, Wanaka and back to Christchurch.
Wow, it seems like a lot after typing them out.
Anw, most memorable of the trip was getting into a car accident on our way to Milford Sound.
The car skidded and Cheryl lost control of the wheel, i thought i was gonna die. =x
Luckily the car hit the side rail and didn't go over the mountain...
Still, the bumper was crashed and the headlight spoilt.
Paying for car damages still triumphs human injuries anyday.
Almost all of my friends are on their SEP already, in various parts of the world.
My own exchange is almost halfway done, another 3 more months and i'll be home.
But, my main concern on this SEP has been my skin :(
Which has been my concern since forever.
But it's impossibly bad here, i'm not sure if its due to the climate or what, but i have pimples literally everywhere.
On my face, on my chest, on my neck, on my back, armpits omg.
It's those big ass red pimples and they are ridiculously itchy. God knows why.
I have spent tons of $$ trying to find that perfect moisturiser and even went to the sch doc without insurance twice! Waste of $$ coz those doc just give me antibiotics sigh, and they don't even have clindamycin gel!
I seriously miss singapore, once i'm back home i will deal with this straight by going to a dermatologist.
One good thing here, is that it seems really easy to score =x
My essays were so crappish and i did them so last minute, but i got an A.
LOL I was so shocked i almost choked, no kidding.
Anw, that's about all.
I am still extremely upset about my skin, everyday seeing it deteriorate and being unable to wear nice clothes, having to cover up, that might be the most upsetting thing ever.
A lot of times, i wonder why me?
Why chronic skin illnesses just won't come to an end?
And then, i realise this is a death trap once i start thinking this way.
From another perspective, why not me?
Like cancer patients, they don't have a choice do they. Or any other diabetic patients etc, no one has a choice. Coz if everyone has a choice, no one would want to be unhealthy or sick.
If everyone has a choice, no one will want to die, everyone will want to live forever.
Life's a choice? Yeah, the only thing we can control is how we feel about smth or situations, because a lot of times, we have no control over the situation itself.
The only thing we can control is our emotions. But i feel like i'm even losing control over that.
Spend the past 2 wks of the mid semester break travelling for 14 days straight.
Went to Hokitika, Hanmer Springs, Auckland, Wellington, Lake Tekapo, Lake Pukaki, Queenstown, Te Anau, Milford Sound, Wanaka and back to Christchurch.
Wow, it seems like a lot after typing them out.
Anw, most memorable of the trip was getting into a car accident on our way to Milford Sound.
The car skidded and Cheryl lost control of the wheel, i thought i was gonna die. =x
Luckily the car hit the side rail and didn't go over the mountain...
Still, the bumper was crashed and the headlight spoilt.
Paying for car damages still triumphs human injuries anyday.
Almost all of my friends are on their SEP already, in various parts of the world.
My own exchange is almost halfway done, another 3 more months and i'll be home.
But, my main concern on this SEP has been my skin :(
Which has been my concern since forever.
But it's impossibly bad here, i'm not sure if its due to the climate or what, but i have pimples literally everywhere.
On my face, on my chest, on my neck, on my back, armpits omg.
It's those big ass red pimples and they are ridiculously itchy. God knows why.
I have spent tons of $$ trying to find that perfect moisturiser and even went to the sch doc without insurance twice! Waste of $$ coz those doc just give me antibiotics sigh, and they don't even have clindamycin gel!
I seriously miss singapore, once i'm back home i will deal with this straight by going to a dermatologist.
One good thing here, is that it seems really easy to score =x
My essays were so crappish and i did them so last minute, but i got an A.
LOL I was so shocked i almost choked, no kidding.
Anw, that's about all.
I am still extremely upset about my skin, everyday seeing it deteriorate and being unable to wear nice clothes, having to cover up, that might be the most upsetting thing ever.
A lot of times, i wonder why me?
Why chronic skin illnesses just won't come to an end?
And then, i realise this is a death trap once i start thinking this way.
From another perspective, why not me?
Like cancer patients, they don't have a choice do they. Or any other diabetic patients etc, no one has a choice. Coz if everyone has a choice, no one would want to be unhealthy or sick.
If everyone has a choice, no one will want to die, everyone will want to live forever.
Life's a choice? Yeah, the only thing we can control is how we feel about smth or situations, because a lot of times, we have no control over the situation itself.
The only thing we can control is our emotions. But i feel like i'm even losing control over that.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Christchurch!
Greetings from New Zealand! :)
Ok,
Technically i've already been here for 3 weeks.
Time passes so fast!
I would say SEP is an extremely new experience.
It hasn't been all good, esp the 1st week.
I was so homesick, coupled with the coldness here (It's currently winter in the Southern Hemisphere), i cried.
I really miss home :(
And then i'll wonder why the hell did i choose SEP and spend so much money.
But, there is the good too.
When i see views so breathtakingly beautiful, i'll wonder why didn't i come here earlier?
Hahaha
So i guess what Jessica said was true, live in the moment.
Coz there won't be another 5 months like this, ever again.
Data here is crazily expensive, but i'm gradually getting used to it.
Guess i won't be uploading much photos.
There's a 6.5 Magnitude Earthquake in Wellington yesterday afternoon, the devastation seemed pretty bad.
Hopefully the aftershocks will subside soon.
I haven't felt any shakings yet, it will be an experience but i'm crossing fingers that it won't happen.
There's a 6.5 Magnitude Earthquake in Wellington yesterday afternoon, the devastation seemed pretty bad.
Hopefully the aftershocks will subside soon.
I haven't felt any shakings yet, it will be an experience but i'm crossing fingers that it won't happen.
Ok,
I'm off to do my readings! :)
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