21

Happy 21st to me!
Finally legal and no longer a minor, officially an adult
With age, comes responsibilities.
This is the start of smth great, gonna leave what I didn't like about myself behind
Here's to a new start, and a glamorous and exciting 21st year ahead!
:)

Saying goodbye

I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye.- Life of PI

Just learnt that a history professor that i highly respect and whom taught me a module last semester has left the History department.

I've no idea why but i felt sad after i've heard the news.

It was really sudden and his reason for leaving was to follow his faith and become a monk.

I feel happy for him, that he's found his peace.

However, i can't help it but feel upset.

Maybe it's because I feel that i haven't had a proper goodbye with him.

My finals was bleh, didn't even finish the paper. 

I've always thought there will be another chance to meet him, take another module next year maybe?

But now, there's no more chance.

Suddenly, i'm reminded of the quote above, from Life of PI which i watched last year.

The quote resonated with me, especially with the situation now.

As i grow older, more people tend to leave my life and that's one sad but unchangeable aspect of life.

However, what upsets me even more is the lack of proper closure.

A proper goodbye.

I guess i'll never see my professor again, so even though this is not a proper goodbye, i still wish to write some words for him.

Professor Teow,

Thank you for the past semester.

Even though i've only took one of your modules, i think you are a good professor and i admire you a lot.

All the best for your future endeavors, no matter where you go.

:)

____________________________________________________________

That aside, the holidays haven't been the best one for me.

Celebrated my early 21st Birthday at NSRCC last week, and the days before i actually got 'kissed' by a poisonous mosquito that my ankle swell.

-.-

Oh well, at least the celebration went quite well.

This few days, i'm quite pissed by adecco, lazy to even elaborate the situation but their staff's attitude is terrible.

Gonna head down to MBS tmr for an event job, hopefully everything goes well.

As for my SEP, i need to book air tickets and do all the visas soon.

Everything's still hanging in the air as my birthday hasn't officially passed yet.

Waiting for 27st.

This is the first time i'm actually anticipating the arrival of 27 May.

Abrupt ending.

TTYL.

Hopefully i might post before i fly on 15th June to Shanghai.

Can't wait. I need a break from Singapore.

Zy

Stop.

2 years back, i published a post on self-absorption.
2 years later, i remain the same, or perhaps, even more self-absorbed.

What i mean by self-absorption is living in your own world, as if the world revolves around you.
You set up your own expectations of others and when others don't meet it, it eats you up inside.
My friends say they can't listen to my advise, because i'm bull-shitting.
I used to not agree, but today, i realised they are right.
It's all big words because i don't understand.
When i'm in the situation itself, i realised i'm lost, even lost than them.

Due to my expectation of others, it eats me up inside when people disappoints me.
I can't handle disappointments or failures, though they are everywhere and chases after me everyday.
That's why i whine/complain so much, because i don't know how to deal with disappointments myself.

Honestly, if i meet myself someday, i think i won't like me too.
People always say: Be the person you want to meet someday and currently, i'm not.
I want to be strong and confident. I want to be that person people can trust, people enjoys being around with and someone who knows their direction in life.

I want to be everything i'm not.
Only then, will i like the person i meet.

I used to think i'm ok, at least i will do my best for what's right, for example studies. I always study and try my best to score.
However, is this right?
Recently, i feel like i've spent most of my time studying that i've lost the socialising or emotional growth of my age.
I am socially awkward, that's why till today i'm still an evergreen.
I dunno how it feels like to be in love or to be in a relationship.

It's my fault, of course. I don't go for CCAs or socialise enough, partially because i'm lazy and another part because i find relationships a chore.
Or perhaps, it's just that i haven't found someone i really like.

2 days ago, i did.
And i dunno what came over me that i did something so crazy.
As expected, it didn't came to fruit. Why would it? After 2 days and thinking through it, if i'm the person who had a random stranger walked up to me and requested to be friends, i would think the person was crazy. Ha.

But, i had expectations. Because i had a really good impression of him and i think i like him.
So, i couldn't deal with the surges of disappointments that came after. Val thinks i'm really weird, in a way i've became really possessive and how can my feelings for a stranger be so strong when, well, he doesn't even know my existence and i don't even know him personally.
For all i know, he may have a gf.
It's better this way, it's an open rejection and i got to move on.

Realistically yes, but somehow, there's always that nudging feeling within my heart and i have no idea why.
And i realised i can't talk to Val. As much as best friends are always there for one another, they are humans after all and it's precisely because they are so close to you, they judge you too.

I guess, this is a wake up call.
Stop being so self-absorbed and presume you are living in some fantasy world.
Watching so many dramas have brainwashed me into happy endings and perfect man when such perfection doesn't exist.

The world is a cruel place and it doesn't revolve around you.
Stop expecting others to reciprocate or behave the way you want them to.

Stop.

20 seconds

Today, i did something crazy, something i never thought i'll do in a million years.

And it all began only yesterday, with a dermatologist trip which i initially wanted to delay again.

Anw, to cut the long story short, i met this cute pharmacist at the pharmacy who dispensed my medicine.

And i think it was love at first sight.

HAHAHA omg, that sound so cheesy, ok maybe not love but like.

I really liked him a lot, i dunno why and how but it just happened.

When i walked out of the pharmacy, i realised i didn't take down his name.

And i was already at the MRT gate when i decided to turn back to the pharmacy.

That was the first crazy thing i did.

When i went home, i couldn't stop thinking about him. =x

So i tried to facestalk him but to no avail.

Hmm... so today, i purposely went to the pharmacy again

And val went with me to encourage me on.

I didn't even know what i was supposed to do and i was quite scared.

Almost backed out at the last min but eventually, i mastered the courage to walk up to him and gave him my email in front of freaking everybody in the counter and patients waiting for their med.

OMG.

I was so embarrassed i just muttered some words: 'Can we be friends? Add me on FB BYE!!' and i ran.

LOL

I literally ran out the pharmacy door before i dared to breathe.

I didn't even see his reaction.

But, i am really glad i did it.

I think i'll rather live with a rejection (he doesn't add me on fb/he has a gf) than regret not having gave it a shot.

Today is really the last chance as finals is around the corner and i won't have another chance to go back to sch or the pharmacy.

Maybe it's infatuation? I'm also not sure how i feel, but like i'm telling myself now - no expectations.

I did what i could, i tried, everything else leave it to fate.

HAHAHA

Just felt like recording it down.

20 years old, 18th April 2013.

:)

Update:
Oh well. I don't think he'll contact me.
Now thinking back, my action seem way too much... if it's me and a random stranger come up to me like that, i'll be traumatized too.
Nvm, at least i tried.
I think courage matters a lot in life, i'm glad i mastered up the courage yeah.

Jiayou for finals!!
Till then ~~

Late night

It's comforting whenever i log into this space

Maybe because it's like a secret diary, which i guess no one will ever realise its existence.

This days, i've been feeling very empty and i have no idea why.

There's absolutely nth wrong with my life, perhaps i'll even say everything's going right, except everything's not right.

On the surface, i really find my life good, material wise and i'm very grateful for everything i have.

But i just have this emptiness within, which i can't seem to fill it up.

Maybe it's because of the lack of emotional closeness with others.

I always thought i'm comfortable being alone by myself, but perhaps i'm not as independent as i thought.

Oh well. 

Maybe it's coz of an overwhelming lack of confidence.

I used to think i'm ok looking, but recently, i just feel downright ugly. 

There, i've said it.

Looks - Nah. Brains - Neither here nor there. Street Smart - Nil. Boyfriend - X 

What do i have?

I'm born lucky, in a rather well to do family.

But i couldn't possibly rely on my family forever.

Planned my 21st gathering at Safra.

And what do i get? A straight out rejection when i've already tried my best to accommodate.

Yeah, people always disappoints, esp when you have expectations of them.

I don't even like nutella.

Last stretch. 

Till finals end~

Lost and found

Today, 25th March 2013, i lost someone who once mattered.

It's really over nothing significant, but once there's a small hole within a fabric, it's so easy to tear the whole thing apart.

I once thought that a friendship will grow stronger overtime, but today i realised the strength of a friendship is not determined by its length but by its depth.

Yet, today i've decided to change.

Since i'm tired of this endless competition, i will change myself, especially my mentality.

I no longer want to maintain a defeatist mentality, rather i want a never-say-die attitude.

I've realised that honestly, there's nothing really bad about my life.

Nobody's life is perfect but it's just how one chooses to view it, you can either enlarge the positive or choose to wallow in the negative.

I've been doing the latter for long enough, now's time to change.

Remember, it's not the end results that matter, rather it's what you've gained for the long run.

It's sad that a person whom you know became someone you knew, but missing is just part of moving on.

Maybe, letting go is all for the better.

Why hold on to something that never belonged to you in the first place?

Tomorrow, 26th March 2013, will be a new me.

September 2011

I never did have the courage to mention what happened during those days,

maybe because i was afraid of relieving those memories.

However, 1.5 years on, i believe i've came to terms with it.

Yes, i suffered from mild depression then. My mum even brought me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).

People who has never suffered from depression won't ever understand the experience.

That sense of dread and bleakness.

I remember those few months were passed in tears and blackness.

I felt like i was trapped, in a dark pit hole with no escape.

No matter how i think about stuff, i can't find a way out.

Maybe it was due to school - new environment in Uni, but mostly, it was due to my skin illness.

I contemplated suicide. And that's why my mum decided to bring me see a psychiatrist.

I called the suicide helpline and talked to the lady for hours - she was really helpful but i thought that was all there was to it.

Because when you have depression, you won't listen to others. You are trapped within your own mentality - a cold, dark and hopeless place.

Everyday, i wake up with the hope for falling asleep again.

I skipped school for 2 wks straight during the semester, because i couldn't find the motivation to go.

I didn't study for mid terms at all - explains my poor results then.

But as with all bad times, things will improve.

Now, i firmly believe that when one hits rock bottom, there's no where to go but up.

Which is what happened in my case.

The moral of the story is, have hope, have faith.

Cooperate with those that are trying to help.

Fight that mental bleakness. It's hard, words are cheap i know

But if even you yourself are not willing to fight, there's no way out of it.

I fought, i struggled. Eventually, you'll win.

It's hope that makes the world go round. 

Hold on to that.