Spent V'day 2018 with this 2.
No drama, just positive vibes (& some psychoanalysis hahaha)
The way that JL knows me so well, I think even better than myself, it surprises me.
'Safe', I think that's the word to describe how i feel around them.
It's nice, to have friends that I feel safe around.
JL said the thing I am most afraid of is aging, and I think that's true.
That's why, I keep thinking I am running out of time.
But, this mentality is making me live in the future, instead of now.
What do you want now?
That's the question I should be really asking myself.
Wow... Time is like a rocket.
It's already Feb of 2018, 1 month just flew by like that.
I was busy with work the past month, for an upcoming event next weekend.
Which means I'll be working 7 days the coming week.
A bit anxious about the turnout, hopefully the crowd would be decent and the event would go well.
Besides that, I would say my life has been peaceful so far and I am kinda enjoying the peace.
Met Shihan, Kovan, Joyce, HM, Cheryl and Rach at Timbre last Fri night,
was my first time to Timbre and their duck pizza was so good!
We went to the Artshouse branch and their live band was surprisingly good, I prefer it to KPO.
It was a fun evening, meant to be a farewell for HM and Cheryl, as both are leaving HDB.
HDB... will never be the same again, as everyone slowly departs.
To me, it's a place that will forever be imprinted in my memories.
It was the place that let me meet lao ban and made some very good friends... and met B.
Yet, it was also the place that gave me so much pain and hurt.
I've somehow already moved on.
But, when I was uploading our photos/videos into my hard disk, I can't help but wonder... how could things go so wrong so fast?
What I've learnt, is that nothing is permanent and a lot of times, we only have that moment.
I've learnt to accept it but it's still something that I can't understand.
Maybe there's no need to either.
Was talking to Shihan last Fri, gosh I miss talking to him haha
He used to be like my philosophy teacher lol
Anw, he said that we are actually nothing in this huge world, at the end of the day.
Our family and maybe selected friends may rmb us, but besides that, we are just a tiny speck and won't even ruffle the dust of the earth as it continues on when we pass on.
If lucky, 90-100 years old? If not, just a short 70 - 80.
Everyone wants to feel impt and we are, but actually it's only to ourselves.
Made me wonder, if so, why are our egos so big?
Maybe it's only at certain moments of realisations, that we are aware our state of un-importance in the grand scheme of things.
And then after which, we go back to our self-absorbed ways.
I signed up for a women's gym recently.
Been going to exercise, hoping to make myself better and healthier for this year.
There's so many things I want to do - lose weight & become more toned, remove my braces, do PS....
It's a lot of money, but I'm also gonna learn how to be better at managing my finances this year.
It's essentially a China Matchmaking show, and there's one famous sentence made by a female participant:
我宁愿坐在宝马里哭，不愿坐在自行车上笑
But today, I went on a date that made me realise, I'll rather laugh on a bike than cry in a Mercedes.
So, long story short, my past came to haunt me.
Last week, I received a call from It's Just Lunch, a local matchmaking agency.
This is the agency that I went for profiling 1.5 yrs back, when val signed me up on a whim lol.
I didn't sign their package after 2 hrs of grilling, however, apparently they kept my profile.
So this 'Relationship Consultant' called me and said there's a match and asked me if i'm willing to go on a date.
I was pretty hesitant since I just ended a RS.
But, well, the opportunity came so i was thinking why not.
The guy is called JB.
And his profile sent by the consultant was like to the skies LOL
He is super rich for one (which was true after today's date)
And he goes French Alps to skii yearly
Went UK to study for 4 years (true too).
I was so anxious to meet him coz I was quite scared there would be no convo topics.
But, guess my worries were unfounded.
He is a PSC scholar, smart and well educated... rich too and drives his own car.
But, one sad thing is... I would say he is not much of a gentleman with EQ lol
During the meal, he snarked in a comment - ohh you can be jealous of me.
And that got me quite taken aback, why would i be jealous of you? lol
At the end of the date, he originally wanted to send me back
That was a nice gesture.
But once i said where i stay, he immediately went - ohh I'm sorry I would love to send you back but I need to work.
Hmm... I'll take it as a rejection haha
It's good too, clearly we 2 are not compatible.
But it made me realise, someone so perfect on paper, may not be a good match in real life.
I'm actually quite happy, almost 2 years of mindless dating... I'm definitely much clearer of what I'm looking for in a guy.
Right now, I just wanna take a break as a single (and happy) lady.
And he will come, it's just a matter of time.
I met GBB for dinner last night.
And he told me he was happily attached, to the girl he met on the dating app after me.
Not that I was surprised and I am very happy for him.
On hindsight, I realised I did the right thing.
I knowingly chose B, because I knew I needed to experience it or else I will regret.
But at the end of the day, I was most comfortable with who I needed, instead of who I wanted.
For the first time since the break up, my heart is full.
Thank you, for being a part of my 2017, and starting my 2018 right.
Leaving takes courage; Doing the right thing requires wisdom. (Kit, 2017)
It's the last day of 2017 and i'm spending it quietly at home in bed (partially coz I'm sick), playing ballads in the background.
Where should I even begin recapping 2017?
Out of my 25 years, I think this year was the most eventful of all.
Thinking back, most of my memories that I can recall, were all tied together with Alvin and gang.
I've never experienced so much happiness and passion, and yet at the same time, so much anger, grief and sadness.
And... never thought I would be someone who is so princessy/demanding and capable of saying hurtful stuff to people.
When asked, people always describe me as friendly, nice, genuine and bubbly.
So, that's how I perceived my own identity as well.
But, I think when I enter a RS, I become selfish and I haven't achieve the ability to compromise.
Loving an emotionally unavailable man is hard, leaving him was difficult too.
The above quote was summarised by Kit, a good friend I met in HDB.
She was a large part of my 2017 as well, one of the better parts.
Both of us have had an eventful 2017. Well... actually I would say hers is more life changing.
And the lessons...
I watched this TedTalk ytd on searching for love to escape ourselves:
It made me think...
Was I using 'love' as an excuse to escape the pain of growing up and finding out who I am?
Perhaps I was. I am lonely and I sought attention, which was the vibe I gave out and that was how the varied number of guys all magically seem to appear one after another throughout 2017.
I never had a break in between.
And I accepted them all, before rejecting them all.
Alvin termed me as a player, I see it rather as someone who is lost.
And the end, saw me going with the flow... and getting hurt along the process.
I think, my curiosity was satisfied in 2017. On how a bad boy/player/narcissist functions.
On hindsight, the ending was actually already determined from the start.
Perhaps we both knew it, but we just didn't know when and how.
I miss our memories made in 2017, but those memories remain... only sometimes it seems like faded memory and one pops up randomly once in awhile.
Thank you for the passion in the first 2 weeks and in Seoul.
At least the photos and videos, will always remain.
Went Jack's place for housewarming ytd with Xiangyun, WangChi and Ruofan.
Never thought we would be in contact, afterall we didn't stay in contact for 16 years? lol
It was so fun we ended the night at 2am, played 三国杀for the first time... and I realised I really miss this feeling of together-ness.
(But, I must say I really am very demanding and always wanting pple to give in to me lol!)
For 2018, I want to leave my shame and fear of vulnerability behind.
I want to accept myself for who I am right now - genuine, bubbly, friendly and demanding/princessy Zy.
And I want to improve on the bad parts while strengthening the good parts of me.
Most importantly, I want to make new memories - in my new workplace, with new people I meet.
Thank you B, for being in my 2017.
2018, I'm ready to heal and embrace myself fully.
__________________
Wanted to text him so badly.
To apologise and tell him I realised my mistake.
But I stopped myself just in time, because... what's the point? What's my intention in texting him?
If nth's gonna change, it's just plain selfish of me.
And... deep down I would expect a reply, but I know that reply wouldn't come. Because I know him.
That would mean double hurt, for me especially.
haha so I stopped myself.
I think the biggest lesson learnt in 2017 - is that the world does not revolve around you Zy. Every choice you make, everything you do, you have to bear the consequences.
And this is on you, this time, its all on you.
Christmas used to be one of my fav festive seasons, simply because everyone's in festive mood.
But, I think the most memorable Christmas I'll rmb, will be this year's.
落单的恋人最怕过节。。。
My 2017 Xmas materialised this sentence haha
I've stopped crying, that's something good.
But the constant rehashing of our last convo and trying to make sense of the whole rs...
What I did wrong, what can be done better, is making me lose sleep.
Although I've been keeping myself busy by going out, and have even stopped talking about him (simply because I got tired of repeating the story)
I feel like I've moved on, but some part of me still feels there lacks a proper closure.
I guess I'll need more time.
2017 has been drama-filled.
From the dating app guys, Youliang, Good Guy, GBB to eventually Mr Blue.
And in between, the drama of losing my job and getting a new job.
It has only been 12 months, but 1 year does make a lot of difference.
For one, I've become more guarded and less bubbly.
Somedays, I miss the old me. Other days, I feel I was too sheltered in the past and I am way stronger now.
My first rs was a failure, and it only lasted 4 months.
But I've known him for almost a year, it seems apt that we drew a close in Dec, since I met him in Jan this year.
Mr Blue has been a large part of my 2017, and even though we ended on a bad note, I believe one day I'll look back and thank him.
But for now, I'll probably skip South Korea for hol in the near future and try not to think about our memories in the places we've been to in SG.
I think I loved the fantasy of who he was in the start... but that was not who he is, as the days went by, it became clearer.
Not gonna draw the victim card here, I made a lot of mistakes as well in this rs.
The biggest was to compare him to other guys, which partner could accept that?
It was a mistake, which ended in heartbreaks.
I will learn, and be clearer on what I seek in my future bf, so that I wouldn't hurt another person again by learning to love him for who he is.
But for now, let time heal the pieces.
For 2018, all I wish is for a stronger heart to be able to withstand the harshness of growing up and life.
