We meet people for a reason, a season or a lifetime

I'm a sentimental person, saying goodbye has never been easy for me.
The only other heartbreak that took me close to 3 years to be alright was HD.
And that was just a friend.
I wonder how long will this heartbreak take.

Lessons

1) Do not be friends with your ex immediately (or think you can) post break up

I overestimated myself. But deep down, my 'friendship' came with expectations that we will end up together again, or somehow I can convince him too once he sees how much chemistry we have.
But turns out, I couldn't and being friends just prolonged the pain and prevented me from moving on.

2) You should never have to talk someone into dating you

And you can't either.
The other party must be a willing party else the relationship wouldn't work, and will just feel overly pressurised.

3) Don't stay with people who aren't dying to be with you

There are a lot of reasons relationships doesn't end up with a happy ending.
The reasons matter less than the outcome - which is they are not dying to be with you.
Just that sole point alone, means the relationship wouldn't work out.

So, I'm finally taking the right steps toward healing.
No contact, no social media.
And writing down my own personal goals to achieve, amidst this COVID-19 pandemic.

#This too shall pass

On the fence about having children

One of the reason D and I broke up was because of children and how our vision of life and values are too different.

I never envisioned a life without children, because babies are cute and to me, a family and marriage must have kids. 

However, recently I had a change in thoughts.  

Not because of any grand reasons like climate change, want a better life for children in the future but more of I don't think I will be a good mother based on my temper now. 

One of my biggest fear is becoming someone like my mother.

But temper wise, I am extremely like her - reactive, defensive, accusatory and jumps to conclusions. 

I realised how damaging it is to a person's self worth and esteem, and the reason for doing so is less of the other person but because I feel hurt. 

Do I want to become a mother like that and hurt my child? Nope, I don't want this to continue on. 

And, I realised how important the family environment is to nurturing loving children who can ingrain and contribute to society. 

It all starts from the family and home. 

Material wise, my family is doing alright. Maybe on the surface people even think our family is good. 

But internally, there are so many issues. 

I think at it's core, my mum just has her bias towards me. Whatever I do, will never be good enough. 

Whereas for my bro, he doesn't have to do anything and she still compliments him. 

But, I have decided to recognise, it is not me, it is her. My mum grew up in an unloving family too. 

And it is this cycle, that will continue to perpetuate if nothing is done. 

To me, I want to find a loving, respectful and caring partner who shares my life vision and grows with me. And, that partner is more important than the child. If I remain single for life, I wouldn't want a child as well. 

Is marriage on the plate? Yes, I would still love to get married. 

Marriage to females is a sense of security as it is a commitment.  But, I've decided not to force it. 

If I have the chance to be in love with someone who loves me at the same time again, this time I wouldn't force it and will just let things be.

28 in CB

Happy 28th Birthday to me! 

This year is special, because it's spent in Circuit Breaker mode...

Normally, I will be either overseas or in staycations but this year.

I had zero expectations, and it totally exceeded everything. 

I am very very thankful to every single person who wished me Happy Birthday
And amazed by the C.S.I skills some of my friends have in finding out my home address and sending the following sweets:

Thanks for the Bloombox flowers and Muyoo BBTs from Kit 

4 jars of Grin Affair cakes from my fav 'mean girls' in office - Shuzhen and Ginny.. without those girls life in my office would have been very bland...

Thanks for adding so much joy for the past 2.5 years :)

And my sweetest HDB girls Cheryl BB and Rachel BB

They are the real legendary CSIs, I teared when seeing their Bud Box and Luna cakes omg

And another 2 CSIs experts - Caitlin and YMM

So thankful for these girls for brightening my days in the office #loveu4eva

And 大坏蛋 Hui Juan also somehow managed to find my address and send YOLE over

Thank you 

And a big thank you to Darius as well...

Someone delivered my fav chai latte and carrot cake over but didn't leave a note or name

omg then I was kinda frustrated and even called SB to try finding out who it is

Actually I guessed it could have been him as not many people know what drink I like, but then it's kinda odd to assume so I left it be...

Turns out it was really him. 

Thank you ^^

Thank you to my family, bff Val and everyone who wished me happy birthday today too~

Special thanks to my DAD, I will be nothing without you

I'm blessed because of all of you

It is what it is, whatever will be will be

Someday, I hope I can look at our photos without a twinge of sadness.

What's harder than letting go of you, is my image of you and the memories we had. 

I wanted to blog about Bali, the trip we took in Sep last year for the birthday boy. 

But looking at the photos, it's mostly us haha

It wasn't the best trip, because I recall being angry at him over the fact he wanted to nua and not wanting to try riding the scooters due to danger

But, it was still a fun trip overall. 

I'm not a beach person, and it was my first time wearing bikini for the trip.

Doubt I'll do another Bali trip haha

On day 2 I booked a day tour for us to a few scenic places and Wayan our tour guide was like the best IG bf 

He spammed so many photos of us (me mostly actually)

Mandatory Bird's Nest post in Bali

There were so many Wayans in Bali, then I got to learn Balinese pple name their sons/daughters according to their positions at birth.  The first born is named Wayan, meaning eldest. 

We had so many Babi dishes in Bali, including street side satays

Bali is real good for cafe hopping too at Seminyak.

 Sisterfield's Cafe

Haha my thoughts are all over the place, think it's still too premature for me to look at all the photos

And he could still tell me so calmly that he was looking at past photos and the food speaks out to him

Guys and girls really move on at different pace ah. Or rather, the one who loves more (or got broken up with) tends to take longer to move on. 

I thought I'm over him, he is really not on my mind all the time now. 

Just that when he does slip through or I start thinking about our good times last year, that's when it starts hurting again. 

Thank you, for everything we had. 

It is what it is, whatever will be will be. 

Circuit Breaker x 2

Never thought I will experience 2 pandemics in my lifetime. 

First was SARs when I was in P5/6 way back in 2003...

For that I can only recall sch closure for a week and taking temperature every day, that's all.

But this COVID-19 is on a whole new level.

Everywhere in the world people are on lock down and quarantining to ensure social distancing so the virus does not spread further. 

For me, I've been WFH for close to a month, which looks like it is going to be extended for another month till 1 June. 

The entire experience is so surreal =/ and cabin fever is a real phenomenon which I never knew could exist. 

Sigh, in the blink of an eye, 6 months of 2020 will be gone. 

The feeling is soooo weird omg >.<  

But to be only battling isolation and boredom is a privilege in this times of crisis. 

I'm also honoured to be working 5.5 days a week (being a safe distancing ambassador on weekends now)...

Comparing 2019 vs 2020 me, I never knew life could become so different.

As always, whenever I thought I had life figured out, it throws a curveball at me and throws me off balance haha

With this WFH, it seems like I can't sleep before 1.30am lol

My whole sleep cycle is totally wrecked >.<

I still miss him, sometimes.

Just, he is no longer persistently on my mind.

I've been talking to 2 new guys throughout this CB period - S and R

R reminds me quite a bit of D, that's when I realised I've been unknowingly comparing them...

But if you ask me, I don't think the timing is right for either of them or anyone haha

Guess it's just lonely hearts and freshness in meeting someone new

I wonder when my heart will be full again...

失恋82天

今天是我失恋的第82天。
日子变了好多。。。因为疫情我们都在家工作。
应该很快外面都出不去了。

Seems like my head made a decision to move on, but heart is not relenting.
So, I asked him out on Mon for dinner and he agreed. But I can feel he totally does not care about me anymore and the distance between us is so wide now.
It doesn't do me any good because it's quite obvious he has moved on, I should too.

I still tear and cry about him sometimes, because I was so happy last year this time, I can't believe it's just 1 year and I am so miserable now.
Maybe all along I've put too much of my happiness in other people's hands, that when I'm all single and alone, idk how to be happy anymore.
Could be because of this social isolation right now too, the whole world feels like it is going into chaos.

2020 is such a good number for such a bad year.

I wish, I can go back to 2019. So far, the best year of my 28 years of life.

Holding on doesn't do me any good. So, if I do not meet anyone else who can make me love him like he did, I will just remain single.

Life is too short, be happily single ZY.  You were for 24 years, what makes this different?

失恋第82天，我已经哭了6个月了。从他和我说不要孩子那刻起，我就开始哭。
差别在于，我现在不在别人面前哭了。我也不和朋友们聊起他。

但，我的心还是很痛。我希望时间能过快一点，把我的悲伤带走吧。

Dating?

I've been using dating apps again on and off for the past month.
This time round I tried Okcupid, and I actually matched a guy and met him (S) earlier this month for an art jamming session.
S is a very nice guy, outgoing and ambitious too. The fact that he works in public service also makes it quite easy to converse with him.
However, I was not physically attracted to him... and I just told him about the fact that I am emotionally unavailable haha

Subsequently, I met WJ off CMB, who can actually be considered my FASS senior.
He is a fun person, easy to talk to.  We spent a long evening over dinner and ice cream ytd.
And he was gentlemanly enough to send me home even though he stays in the East (coz he drove, out of so many guys I've dated he is only the second guy who has a car).
I guess, I quite enjoyed talking to him? So I had my expectations haha although I did feel our texting was rather contrived.
And today, he did not reply my texts, which made me slightly disappointed but on hindsight, I'm actually glad he did not. 

And over ytd's convo, I realised I have yet to move on.
What then, are my intentions on the dating apps?  Is it really to know someone new? Or just to find a replacement?
The latter is more likely haha
And... until the day I learn how to be happily single again, it is quite difficult for me to enter another rs, especially when I'm still reeling from the remorse of the previous rs.

For the past 3 years, I've not been single longer than 4 months.  It was one rs after another.
Today, after the emotional uproar I felt following the 'rejection' from WJ, I realise it is really me not being able to be single and be alone by myself.
I constantly need someone to be with me and rely on them.

Maybe loneliness is the reason.  I should learn to sit with myself and my loneliness, maybe that's when I will be able to hold myself responsible for my own happiness and that's when I can manage my expectations.