Farewell, 2010. Hello 2011!!!

This is such a weird time to type my year end reflections.
However, i have a NYE party to attend later and by the time it end, it will be tmr morning.
HAHA
So i've decided to type it now.

2010, where do i begin?
This was my big yr, A-levels.
10 yrs of studies, just for that last big exam which will determine whether i can make it to uni and my career options.
Honestly, 2010 wasn't my best yr.
It was miserable, torturing and stressful.
I lost my directions countless times, cried due to stress countless times and even had suicidal thoughts in the beginning of the year.

Friends come and go, my best secondary clique, we've drifted further and further away.
I'm becoming more and more anti-social.
I'm growing to love solitude.
I'll rather be alone by myself than go out in big grps.
Hmm, this is bad.

People change and things go wrong. But just remember, Life Goes On.

I've decided to stop running away from problems.
Yes, i still fear but i will try not to let the fear restrict me or hide away.
2011, i'm looking forward to it.
Hopefully it will be a good year! :)

CSI agent for a day!

Haven't went out in a looooong time.
So, on a whim, i called bok and asked her out yesterday....
to be a CSI agent.

Went Sci center and it was really an experience.
We had 4 cases to solve and each case had clues all over the exhibition.
At the end, we have to hand in our report and obtain a CSI diploma.
Rather fun and interactive i must say.
Though it was super easy and we can obtain the ans even without waiting for our turn at the computers as there were so many pple.
We could have gotten our ans from the person in front.

Afterwhich, we went library and IMM for dinner.
Gosh, how i miss that place.
I miss my old house. :'(

Anw, $$ is going out and no $$ is entering my acc.
Coz i havent obtained a job yet. Hmm...
Going for year-end countdown party tmr!!!
$$$$ out again.
And there's this grp outing on sun!!!
$$$$ fly.

Seriously, i swear, after 2nd Jan, i'm gonna get a job.
Like eagerly seek employment.
I will get a job, latest by 2nd wk of Jan'11.
I need $$$$.

Wish me luck!! :)
Happy new year!!

Mr Papaya

Meet Mr. Papaya, he's the friendliest of all fruits. HAHAHA ;)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Been so obsessed with the TV series 'Fringe'
Omg, superb show!
Walter Bishop is my favourite character, he's super funny!!
Mr papaya is his creation. HAHAHA
So cute!!
* fan-girl squeal*

Besides being obsessed with 'fringe', my life have been pretty mundane.
I want to learn Japanese but the courses are so ex. Bummer. :(

Abrupt ending!

xoxo,
Zy

Life. Live it the way you want.

Many a times, i open up blogger, type a few words and backspace them all.
The truth is, i no longer know how to open up to others, to wear my heart on my sleeves.
I wonder if it is because my life is mundane or i no longer have or see the need to.

Went for a job interview yesterday and the senior director jolted me awake.
That was the first time such an empowering woman interviewed me.
I was scared and behaved so, to which she asked: ' Are you really confident you can handle this job? We have targets for you and the clients you are speaking to are older than you. How are you going to handle them? All i see is a little girl in front of me.'

I don't have any experience and i do admit i'm pampered.
I was shocked by her words but it is the cold hard truth and i admitted that i am not suitable for that job, to which she sent me home of course.
During the whole train ride home, i kept wondering:' What do i want with my life?'
Finding a part-time job is already so tough and i am 60% confident my A-level is in the drains.
If i can't enter university, what will happen to me?

And then i thought about my dreams.
Florist, Nurse, Astronaut, Hotel manager, wedding planner....
They all exists as dreams unless i do smth and turn them into reality.
The only way to achieve my dreams is to stop dreaming and start doing.
Sounds ironic.

I don't know what i want with my life, actually.
Exclusive only trip, guaranteed to be a trip full of ups and downs.
I'm afraid to make choices, i'm afraid of the consequences and the what ifs...
What if the ending is not smth i want?
What if its all a waste and i'm worse off than i began?
What if...
But what if it all ends well?
What if i don't take the first step and spent the rest of my life regretting?

"'What' and ‘if’ 2 words as non threatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side & they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."
- Letters from Juliet

I have tons of questions and problems.
But i know, the only person who can find those answers and solutions is myself.
Lost in this tangled web called life.
I really hope i can find myself soon.
I really hope i can figure out what i want with my life.



Hopefully.


Xoxo,
Zhongyun

Rapunzel- A Tangled Tale

Disney never fails to make me feel like a kid all over again.
To live my dreams and believe that the sky is the limit, nothing is impossible.
I LOVE Rapunzel <3


Someday, my dreams will come true too and my light will shine. :)

Fear

I think fear is the single biggest impediment in our lives.
We fear:
Failures
opinions
consequences
the future
and what we'll never know.

Sometimes, we should just take a leap of faith.
Believe and trust yourself, your capabilities, your judgement.
Just do it and stop fearing,
or else, you'll never live.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have been busy moving house and looking for a job recently.
Went for a job interview yesterday, not sure whether i'll get it though. =/
Went to all these agencies but none of them are calling me recently...
Hmm...

Anw, i want to mention this incident on monday that made me realise the importance of MRT.
Hilda and I went to Orchard with other friends and we were on our way home when the MRT service terminated at Outram Park.
Apparently, MRT service had terminated from outram park to clementi.
In the end, hilda and I went back to Dhouby Ghaut and took the red line back to JE.
An hour trip home became 2 hrs.
-.-

The 10 o'clock news was on when i reached home and the reason for the termination was due to a guy who commited suicide by jumping onto the rail at queenstown.
I was quite irritated because of the inconvenience caused to others but i guess....
Nvm.


Anw, i'm blogging at my new house now!!!!
Went IKEA with my parents yesterday and we finally bought a table and cupboard for my room.
I've been surviving on a bed and boxes ard me for the past few days.
HAHAHA

Going shopping tmr!!! Watching Rapunzel too!!
Can't wait!! :)

Till then,
Zy

P/s Hopefully i can get a job soon...

加油！

亲爱的钟韵：

好了，要逼自己用功读书了。
只有一次机会，错过了就再也拿不回来。
时间是不会等你的，也不可能从头来过。
你要拿到好成绩，对吧？

4个月剩，好好利用吧。

我知道你很害怕，怕自己记不住，怕自己撑不过去。
但是，don't let fear but your desire to succeed, lead the way.
还没试过，你又有什么资格说一定会失败呢？

要学会跌到后爬起来，要勤奋，努力。
最重要的，拿到成绩的那一刻，你要对得起自己。


加油吧！！
钟韵上

New beginning

It's been such a long time, i don't even know where to begin.
Honestly, my thoughts have changed so much over the past 4 months.
I've lost my sense of direction.

The past me would have been so certain that i want to score well and enter a good university.
Now?
I don't even think i can pass my A-levels.

I'm left with 2 more papers,
my last day of As is 23rd November.

After which, i think i will be busier than ever.
I need to find a job so as to start saving money for private university.
I have TTSH volunteer work every alternate thurs with living spring.
And i'm moving house.

I guess that's all for now,
maybe, i'll update after As.



Maybe.

a little push.

I think i just need a little push,
and i'm sure of what i want now.

It's going to be a tough journey ahead to achieve it.
But, stop fearing.

Believe. And work hard.

Bye. See you again in 20 wks time.

Inception....

Was mind-blowing.
0.O

I really hope the ending was not a dream and cobb went back to reality to be with his kids.
And i really hope i'm living in a dream right now and when i wake up, As is over.
Sigh.

Ok, i'm off to sleep.
Everyone should catch Inception!
Although i'm slightly bewildered by the freaking high ratings for it,
i was entertained by the movie and it's one of the best this days.
At least better than all those *ahem*'twilight' movies.

So, Catch it!
I have a new found admiration for leonardo di caprio.
HAHAHA

*back to study mood*
Till then!
Zy.

You can't have a rainbow, without a little rain.

I'm tired, drained.
And it's just the beginning.

Ever read the book ' the secret?'
Law of attraction: All good things will come to you if you think postively, vice versa.
I guess, i need to stop my stream of negativity daily, it's making me both physically and mentally tired.

You know, i guess a small part of me still holds on to a tinge of hope.
That there's that slight chance that i might do well.
And that's why i'm in such torture now, because i still want to do well.

I never knew that A levels could be so hard and such a torture.
But i guess, you doesn't really know much of something until you've experienced it yourself.

A levels is really an experience that i don't think i will forget for sometime.
Words can't describe how utterly demoralised and lost a person can feel when they see their grades.

There's nth much i can do but just, Jiayou le!
4 more months, you can't hide from it. So just grit your teeth and bear through it, enjoy the process of learning and this experience.
Cause you won't ever experience it ever again.

My last nation-wide exam, do yourself proud.


Believe in yourself, you can do it! :)

Because it’s only when you’re tested that you truly discover who you are. And it’s only when you’re tested that you discover who you can be. The person that you want to be does exist, somewhere in the other side of hard work and faith, and belief and beyond the heartache and fear of what life has.

-One Tree Hill

Brave on.

Demoralised.
Words can't describe my feelings now.



But i must brave on, this is just the beginning.

咖啡卡特儿以及粉丝的利害。

Ok, so SEA is over!
3 more papers to go!
Sigh.

Need to wake up at 6am for the next 2 days to mug my ass off for IH, maths and Chem.
On a brighter note, i think i should blog about happier stuff.
Like things that actually happen in my life instead of emo stuffs.
>.<

So today, after our SEA paper, which i didn't finish AGAIN,
me and Hilda went to Makan at Cafe Cartel at IMM.
2nd time me and Hilda went there!
I think it's super worthwhile to eat with Hilda, coz she's super aunty.
=x
HAHAHA

Cafe cartel have this 'free flow of bread' policy and Hilda ALWAYS makes sure she exploits it to her best capabilities.
LOL!!!
I remember the first time we went, we only ordered one full set with free flow of bread, but we took 2 full baskets.
o.O
Hilda said that was the true definition of 'free flow'.
HAHAHA
we were the only 2 doing that.

Anw, they have this magazine section and today, i took one of the 'Teenage' magazine and the both of us were reading it over lunch.
Well, at least i was, and i was really reading it out loud to her.
There was this aunt agony section and, not meant to be rude, both of us were laughing over some articles.
Ok, maybe we were judging them through their problems.
But admit it, i bet everyone thought some other's problem were insignificant, until that happens to you yourself, that is.

It just seems funny to me, how naive some of those people were.
They are still so young, (some were at age 13??!!) and they were contemplating suicide and cutting themselves.
One of them couldn't handle the stress of PSLE.
I mean, seriously?
I bet A levels is 10x worse than PSLE.

I admit that the stress and pressure on children/students are building up,
and i am lucky to not have parents adding on to my pressures,
但是, 现代的年轻一族也未免太懦弱了吧。
还真的是‘草莓组’，只会议靠父母。
当然，这并不是在特意针对任何一人或全部，
还是有努力，坚持，勇敢面对困难的。

Of course, this is also a self-reminder, that i'm blessed and i need to be stronger!
Don't hide away from problems, confront them.
That's gonna be my goal!!!

After the meal, we were literally mobbed by 'fans'.
HAHAHA
Obviously not fans of us, but fans of Be3t, that Korean pop group.
And i was wondering why there were sooooooo many teenagers at IMM today.
They practically filled the whole of IMM, inner and outer.
Security guards were everywhere!
The power of Fans, something i've only seen on shows, i experienced it today.
Remarkable.
;)

A.I : Artificial Intelligence

Artificial Intelligence
Personally, it's one of my favourite movies of all time.
I've watched it 3 times and it never fails to make me tear every single time.
The first time i watched it, i cried for 30 mins after the movie ended.
HAHA
A tad too dramatic but i was super emotional and touched by David's love for her Mum, monica.

The story is set in the future, when the world is flooded due to the dire consequences of global warming.
Humanity was drastically reduced and technology was at its peak with Artificial Intelligence aka robots (Mechas) being mass produced.
David is the main character, a Mecha boy produced that is able to love humans and he was sent as an experimental prototype to Monica and Henry, whom have a son, Martin, that was in a coma and have low hopes of ever recovering.

The climax of the whole movie came about when Martin recovered and a serious of unfortunate events arise that forced Monica to come to a decision to abandon David.
David thus went on an adventure to find the 'Blue Fairy' from Pinocchio as he believed Monica abandoned him because he was not real.
The Blue Fairy would be able to make him real, just like pinocchio and then, his mum will love him again.

Of course, the blue fairy does not exist.
He found the blue fairy eventually [ a statue underwater, seemed to be disneyland ]
and pleaded with her to turn him into a real boy...
and so, he pleaded for 2000 years.
Mechas were the only beings left and some of them granted him his wish by trying to regenerate his mom using a lock of hair from Monica.
However, it failed and Monica was only able to live for 1 day.
That day, was the best day of David's life.
:)

I always end up crying at the last part of the movie.
Where David spent one whole day with his mum.
He spent his whole life trying to find someone that doesn't exist to make something impossible happen, David can never become a real boy.
Monica love him, but she just don't know how to love a Mecha.
Honestly, anyone in the same situation as her will choose her own son, a real person, over a Mecha.
How can you love someone that's a robot, even if he looked so real?

' That was the everlasting moment he had been waiting for. And the moment had passed, for Monica was sound asleep. More than merely asleep. Should he shake her she would never rouse. So David went to sleep too. And for the first time in his life, he went to that place where dreams are born. '
- A.I

Blessed.

I'm 18!!!!!!! :D
HAHAHAHA

So before this day is over, i just want to express my sincere thanks to all this wonderful souls:

Chinhwee, Joanne, Eunice, Pamela, Valerie, Yulin, Xiao Qian, Li er, Jocelyn, ChunJing, Wanen,
WanJia, Jason, Eugene, Kenneth, ZhengHan, Mandy, Sinlin, Josephine, Poh Hui, Daisy, Chun Yan, Fiona, ZiJia, Grace,Jessica, KongYong, RuiTing, MiaoLing, KimChi, Germaine, Yiyin, Shalaka, Molina, Jiaqiang, SiWen, AJ, Vanessa Zavier, Vanessa and ChernPing for their Birthday wishes!!!!! :D
[I hope i didn't miss out any names =x ]

Special Thanks to:
Liew Suping!!!! For remembering my birthday!!! HAHAHA
Shuqin! For your beautiful Helen's earrings and Hand-made card! :D
HuiGe! For your small card and lollipops! ;)
Jacy! <3 For your earrings and Hand-made card too! The words touched my heart! :)
Bok, Hilda and Sabrina! <3<3<3 For eating breakfast with me, for rushing that card out and just for being there. I love you guys!!!!!!

And of course, to my family members : Daddy, Mummy, Erik, Joyce and Aunt [ Who smsed all the way from china ] <3


I feel sooooo blessed.
It might not be the best birthday ever, but, it's a birthday which i will rmb. HAHAHA

:)

18.

Couldn't resist putting this picture up, simple coz the little girl is so cute! :)

Did both econs and Gp paper yesterday.
Yes, i survived both.
However, It was so horribly done that i can't imagine my results. :(
I think i've never done so badly before.
Aurgh.
Still trying to get myself to forget about it and move on.

____________________________________________________

In another 3.5 hrs time, it will be my 18th birthday.
Honestly, i'm not looking forward to it...
For one simple reason: I'm turning one year older and 18 years old marks the growth from a young girl to a woman.
Which i'm not and still not prepared for.

I think being 17 must be the greatest age of all.
18 just..... sounds so old.
I'm just 2 yrs away from 2o!
Notice how my age will start with 2, sigh.

Went shopping by myself today.
I treat it as a form of retail therapy, although most of the things that i bought are tolietries.
HAHAHA
Speaking of which, our GP comprehension passage was about Loners and why loners are better than being in a community.
I found it.... hmmm..... insightful.
I mean, i can't believe there are people out there who side with loners.
Notice, it's 'loners' and not being alone only at times.
I do agree we need personal space but the author's definition of loners was those who choose to distance themselves from others.
Not saying her stand is wrong, it did give me another perspective on things.

Tomorrow, 27th May'10, my 18th year on earth,
I will be spending the whole day in school and then Tan Tock Seng hospital at night.
Planning to do good deeds on my birthday to make it eventful.
HAHAHA


P.S For once, no expectations. For once, i just want to enjoy tomorrow to the best i can.
I really hate how birthdays lose their magical touch as you grow older.
Well, i guess everything else does. So we just make the best out of everything we can.

Till then!
:)

Freaking out.

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I'm literally freaking myself out!!!!

What if i dun know how to do any essay qs tmr??
What if i just write out of point or forget everything?
What if i flunk Gp and Econs??

:'(

Sob.

I need a break. Why is A levels so freaking demanding?????





I Can Do This.

无能为力。

It's one of those days, where nostalgia takes its toll on me.
Sometimes, i really wish i can be less sentimental.
My greatest strength is also my greatest weakness.

I really don't wish to brood on the past any longer.
I've learnt that people change and people leave, nothing remains constant and things change.
The idea is easy to grasp, theoretically.
In reality, it's easier said than done.

It hurts, to know what we've become and how we can't ever go back to how we were in the past.
It hurts even more, for me to pretend at times, that i don't care.
When in fact i care, more than ever.

Sometimes i wish i can forget the past and start my life anew, in a place where no one knows me.

I'm in this state of constant fear.
And the thing i fear the most, is failure and rejection.
Which is the main reason why i remain silent.

I really wish i can be a stronger person.
But i'm in this situation where i don't even know who i am and what i want.
I'm confused, by life.

Sometimes, i reflect upon who's left in my life.
And i realised, i don't really have any friend whom i can truly rely on.
.
..
...
.......
...
..
.
At times, i feel blessed.
At least, i think i should.
I have a wonderful family, i have all 4 limbs, i can see, hear, taste, i have a roof over my head.
And i feel guilty, for being unhappy and whining about the slightest things.

Sometimes, i wonder why people are always leaving my life.
Is it because i don't seem to make any effort?
Or is it just because i didn't make any significant impact in any of your lives?
Is it because, i'm so easily forgettable?
.
..
.....
.........
....
..
.

I really wish i can remain a child forever.
I really wish i don't have to grow up.
I really wish someone can remain in my life and be the friend i never had.
I really wish i can stop expecting so much.
I really wish i can figure out who i am and what i want.
I really wish i can stop fearing.
I really wish, i can be happy.


我很想念小时候，真得很想念以前的你，钟韵。

Doubt.

Sometimes, i doubt myself.
I wonder if i can make it.
I wonder if what i'm doing is right.
And most importantly, i wonder if miracles can happen.

Is it inevitable that people drift apart? If love or friendship can’t withstand time, then I guess it was never meant to be? Or is it me that people always leave?

Tired.

I'm not going to spend my life chasing people. You want to leave? Fine then, go ahead. Because I’m done with chasing and caring for people who never had interest in me. Nothing lasts and people change. I’ve learned love is hard and life isn’t always what you want it to be.
~ gildedbutterflies

Done, for good.
Time for me to move on completely.
As you grow older, you lose more pple in your life.
So, expect nth and just cherish those whom are in your life right now.
You may never know, those people might be the ones that stays with you for life.

To believe is to know that every day is a new beginning.
It is to trust that miracles happen, and dreams really do come true.
To believe is to see angels dancing among the clouds,
To know the wonder of a stardust sky
and the wisdom of the man in the moon.
To believe is to know the value of a nurturing heart,
The innocence of a child’s eyes
and the beauty of an aging hand,
for it is through their teachings we learn to love.
To believe is to find the strength and courage that lies within us.
When it is time to pick up the pieces and begin again.
To believe is to know we are not alone,
That life is a gift and this is our time to cherish it.
To believe is to know that wonderful surprises are just waiting to happen,
And all our hopes and dreams are within reach.
If only we believe.

~ unknown

Pw results.

So, the dreaded results were out today.
After thousands of years of waiting.
And......

I got a B.

Sad? Initially.
But i must say, i sort of expected that B.
More than not, i was angry.

Angry at how some pple who don't do anything and yet still got an A coz their team members slogged for them.
Angry at how those who slogged and got a B didn't cry and yet have to turn around and comfort those who didn't do anything and got a B.
In simpler terms, i was angry at how unfair the world works.

But, what can i do?
The results are out, and those who deserve As got theirs and those who don't deserve also got it.

Accept it.
2 Bs on A level slip.
Now, i must mug for my other As.
Jiayou!!! :)

Fold a thousand cranes.

.......and make a wish.

They say that nothing is impossible.
But there is.
You can't bring a dead man back, you can't bring what's lost back and you can't not pretend to move on.
Because life waits for no one.

What makes me sad, is that human beings can only do so much.
And what's left, is to hope for the best.
It's demoralising.

I think the only thing i've gained, is how much i cherish what i've lost.
I really hope that things will be the way my parents said.

I want to believe in being strong when everything seems wrong.
I want my inner happiness to run so deep that nothing can disturb it.
I really do.

But more often than not, i falter at the slightest failure.
I despise myself.
For letting fear, judgement, lack of confidence and determination to run my life.
I really want to succeed, but something inside me is holding me back and i can't surpass it.

I've been trying , every single day.
But i can't get past myself.
And that's what determines a failure.

Doomed. By myself.

Out of time.

Running out of time.
Swearing off computer for some time, and i mean it.

Once and for all.
Work your ass off for 10 mths.
Enjoy yourself after.

Remember, you only have one shot at this.
Don't regret.

Till then,
xoxo
Zhongyun.

Maybe, true love exists.

The notebook.
Such a touching story.
I think everyone wants a love like them.
And maybe, everyone will experience true love.
As long as you believe in it.
Love, forever and ever.
<3

<3 how bright and happy the sunflower looks :)

Started CIP today at TTSH.
It was truly an experience.
Communicating with the patients was pretty tough.
Some of them were not even bothered with us, but we can understand.
How good can you feel if you are sick and bored lying in a hospital bed all day?

One of the patient left a particularly strong influence on me when we chatted during our slot.
I shouldn't elaborate on her life story here, but i realised,
It's only when you know how blessed and lucky you are, that's when you start to cherish.

It's bad of me to build my happiness on other's misfortune.
But, i guess that's how humans feel better about themselves and start to look at the things they have, instead of whining about the things they don't have.
Not saying i will suddenly change and adopt a 360 degrees positive attitude,
BUT, i will try.
:)

Anw, we had this Beauty documentary during our GP lesson on tues.
And, i truly think beauty is skin deep.
People emphasizes too much on external beauty when its the inner that lasts.
Not saying beauty isn't impt.
It's impt, especially to a girl in this look-reliant century.
BUT, beauty is only a visa to success, it expires.
So being reliant on beauty will only make you lose out in the long run.
Simply coz, everyone will grow old and lose their beauty someday.
Be who you are, accept yourself, do smth if you are not satisfied but do not overly obsess over beauty.
It's not worth it.

Ok, that being said.
I'm pretty tired.
My march hols is totally gonna be taken up by mugging, hist test and gz camp.
AWWWWWW.
:(

Till then,
Zy <3

Daddy's coming back!

Daddy's coming back tmr!
Sweet. Can't wait. :)

A levels results tmr.
Wonder how did last yr's hist cohort do.
Anw, just wanna wish goodluck to all those receiving results!
Hope they get the result they deserved.

Can't imagine in exactly 1 yrs time, i'll be the one taking results.
=/

So disappointed today.
sad :(

Nvm, tmr will be a better day!
Till then,
TATA! :)

Around the globe without me.

Daddy's in Japan.
My aunt and cousin flew back to China on thurs.
And i miss them all!!!!
Anticipating daddy's return next fri!!!
:)

Anw, today was NJC's annual road run.
And as usual, i walked the whole stretch.
HAHAHAHA!!
Hilda even brought this portable mini fan for me,
all 3 of us: bok, hilda and me were using it along the way.
Even though we didn't run, it was still freaking hot due to the sun.

Gotta buck up for this weekend!
Tests after tests, assignments after assignments. AURGH!
Receiving back pw results nxt fri.
NOT looking forward to it.
I just want to get it over with.
Sigh.

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!
- Rocky Balboa

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile with your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile

Memories.

So true.

Just looked through my blog archives.
Ask me exactly 1 yr ago, and i would have been so sure all of us would stay as close friends.
Ask me again now, where i stand and where this friendship stand.
Everything's changed.
And i guess, that's where memories come into place.
Coz, memories are the only things i can still hold on to and call them mine.

On a happier note, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!!!! :)
last yr, i spent chinese new year back in china.
And it was splendid!!
This yr due to A's, i can't go back.
BUT! At least one of my cousin is in singapore!
And our reunion dinner just now went quite well too!
:D

After A's, think i'm gonna go back china in the year 2011 for chinese new year.
Can't wait! WEE!!!

Gonna go sleep now.
Heading to M'sia the day after!

Till then,
<3
Zy.

Fear.

~x

I had a terrible time for the past few months.
Not saying that i feel better now, but i believe its getting better emotionally.
And the core of all this emotional stress, is my acne problem.

There, i've declared to the whole world that i have acne and issues dealing with it.
To others, it may seem insignificant.
But to me, and i have no idea why, it seemed like the world to me.
And i think in one way or another, it still is.

Went to a TCM at first for acne treatment.
The TCM was nice and everything, but the cleanser that she prescribed to me was unsuitable for my sensitive skin.
And actually removed the top layer of my skin.
My skin was really dry and i was peeling everywhere.
It was so horrible and embarrassing that i actually skipped sch for some days.

So i stopped after a mth or so.
And i got an appointment at NSC.
Waited for 10 days coz its the pre-CNY period now and loads of pple are visiting the dermatologists.

By right, i should have went to a dermatologists right away for my skin probs.
BUT! I didn't want to take antibiotics coz i knew of the side effects and it can only be a short-term cure.
I thought TCM would be able to help me, it turned out otherwise.
Or i simple went to the wrong one.

Eventually, i still decided to turn to a dermatologist.
Being a private patient and i saw the senior consultant, the consultation fee plus total medicines cost ard $170+.
Thats ALOT!
o.0

In the end, i was prescribed antibiotics ( Doxycycline HCL 100mg), Avene cleanser for sensitive skin and 2 topical creams to apply day and night.
I've only started today and i've researched online about the reviews of Doxycycline.

Dermatologists often prescribe this antibiotics first as its not THAT damaging, i think.
But it does make pple feel nausea as it kills both bad and good bacteria.
And i've read that it will make your skin super sensitive to sun.
So i'm planning to go buy sunblock soon.

I'm pretty scared of the initial purging though.
And i hope mine will not be TOO bad.
Hopefully this medicine will show its effect in about 1 mths time.
Read online that for some pple it only showed effects in 3 mths time and for some, it never did work.
Instead, they get yeast infections ( side-effect), vomit consistently etc.

My stomach did feel a bit queasy after i took them for the first time today.
But, it might be my imagination or smth coz i knew this side effect.
Nth serious or pain though.
Hopefully it will last this way.

Still, if it clears my skin, i do know that its only a short-term cure.
Coz, i dun intend to take this antibiotics for long, its not good for health and i know my body may become immune to it.
And my acne may become even worse after i'm off it.
Sigh.
The internet can be such a devil sometimes, i get all this info so easily and makes me afraid of even starting the treatment.
I'm skeptical towards the docs, and i think the dermatologist i visited yesterday can feel it too.

All i want, is for this acne to disappear.
And i know, its gonna be a long-term fight.
People with good skin, must treat it with care.
Because, it's only when you've lost it, then you'll know how precious smth is.
Don't ever take things for granted.

*Cross-fingers that its gonna cure my acne!*

xoxo
Zy

Cousin over!

My cousin is flying to singapore tmr!!!
WEE~~
And i'm going to M'sia in about 3 days time.
To celebrate CNY
HAHA

Performing for CNY sch performance on fri.
Busy, Busy.
Am leaving sch early tmr for doc appointment.
Hopefully, i'll be healed.
Fingers-crossed.

XOXO
Zy

Mixed feelings? Just let things be i guess. Things tend to turn out for the best when you let it go its natural way.

Stronger.

Just believe and trust...
You're stronger than you think.

Things will be better soon,
have faith.

Be thankful for the things you have and let go of the things you can't have.
Make life easier for yourself, if that's what it takes to make yourself happy.

Because the only one who can make things feel better,
is you.

Pleasure & Sorrow

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learnt from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.

- Robert Browning Hamilton

Guess what?

My ♥'s














It feels surreal.
I know things are not the same, it may never be the same anymore.
Looking at this pics, makes me happy.
At least there was a time, where i felt truly happy.

Ever since this yr started, where was the last time i truly laughed from the bottom of my heart?
Or even worse, when was the last time i smiled?
Honestly, i can't rmb.

People say i've changed.
Countless people.
To a more quiet, more emo self.

I can't control my emotions.
I can't control my tears.
I can't control myself.
I can't control my life.

Depression? 10 symptoms, i have all 10 of them.
Parents are worried, i'm worried too.
I want to get myself out, out of this trap where i'm turning round and round.

Everyday, i feel so tired.
When, when did this happen?
Why, why did it happen to me?

I'm tired of asking why's when there's no answers.
You don't choose what illness you have, they pick you, not you choose them.

The only way, is to make the best of out it.
I can't tell any of my friends.

Counsellor? Been there, done that.
Made me realise more about myself, that's true.
She pin-pointed it out, i can't and don't trust people easily.

It's damn tough to earn my trust,
similarly, it's tough for pple to trust me too.
Vicious cycle.

Sch work?
Lagging behind. Basically, i can't tune out my emotions enough to concentrate on work.
A levels, A levels, A levels.
Continues nagging somewhere at the back of my brain.
But, i can't gather enough strength, i'm not strong enough.

I lost my courage,
my determination,
my past self.
Who am i?
Please, help me find my courage, my strength.

I want to tide over this.

You need to change your mindset.

亲爱的钟韵，

再这样下去，你会毁了你自己。
请你坚强，一定要。
重要的不是你的样貌，不是你的外表，而是你的心态。
爸爸说得对，就算脸变好了，人生还会有其他事情发生，难道你只会蒙骗自己，
不接受，怪天下人为何别人没有而却发生在你身上吗？
一定要改变，改变你的心态。

人生，只要能拍拍胸膛说自己尽力了，那就足够了。
不要去担心那些改不了的事情，因为那不是你能控制的。
请你做到这点，一定要。

千万别再动自杀这个念头了。
你的生命是多么宝贵？
比你的脸宝贵几百倍。

要坚强，要坚强，一定要。
这次真的是你最后一次为这件事哭，不准再哭了。
当你要哭的时候，
请记住努力的仰着脸孔，试着让眼泪不往下流。

因为，这一切都不值得。

祝你，
早日康复

钟韵上
2010年1月9日

Give me hope.

Today, I was on the London tube. I was looking at the posters as I went down the escalators and there was one on plastic surgery. Someone had placed a sticker over the womans face that read

'You don't need this. You are perfect the way you are.'

GMH
- gives me hope

Accept yourself, believe and trust.
Everyone is beautiful and perfect, in their own ways.
GMH. :)

Happiness??

I've realised,

The less that you have, the happier you'll be.

And it's from my own experience.
Isn't it ironic how humans work??
Our appetite is never ending, we always yearn for more when actually we have everything we already need.
Or maybe, even more than necessary.

For example, my family.
I was born in Shanghai and at that time, my family lived directly opposite the famous clocktower at 外滩。That explains my name.
Anw, my first home was only a single room with a single bed that all 3 of us have to squeeze every night.
We don't even have our own bathroom, it was a shared bathroom.
And i rmb clearly, there was no light at night and the winding staircase up had no banister, which was why my dad had to carry me up coz he was scared i'll fall off.
It was not even close in comparison to my current home where i have my own room, 2 bathrooms and my own laptop.

However, those days, living in my old first home in shanghai, was the happiest time of my life.
And when i first came to Singapore, we lived in a rented home at Tiong Bahru which is demolished now.
I was happier then than now.
My dad will always pick me up after kindergarten with my favourite snack.
And we'll go to the library every weekend to borrow my favourite books and videos.
My tv then was so small that it can be hidden behind just one row of maybe 6 books?
As compared to our 42 inch plasma tv now.
But i've never been happier than the time i had in those 2 houses.
Perhaps it was because, i never had the chance to know that there's so much more out there in the world.

And so, my dad had better job opportunities and our living conditions improved.
I thought i would be much happier.
But behold, my life improved and i'm thankful, but i've never been less happy than what i am now.
And i know, i have no right to be unhappy. I have everything i need, or more than enough.
And somehow, i think that's the reason why i'm unhappy.
I want more.

You know how when you have earned your first pot of gold and you want more?
That just the way it is now.
My materialistic needs are never ending and i want more and more everyday.
But, they only provide me with pleasures, not happiness.
Instead, when i don't get what i want. I became more unhappy than i already was.
What a vicious cycle.

I love how simple my life was then.
Sometimes, i think having too much may not be such a good thing after all.
Similarly, i think knowing too much is detrimental too.
Knowing the evil deeds that exist around the world, it just makes me lose more hope on how the world is becoming.

Sometimes, i think foolish and silly people are the happiest in the world.
That's because they don't know and think too much.
They do what others tell them to and what they need to do.
They are satisfied with what they have coz they do not know that there are more in this world.
Perhaps, that is more than enough.

Sometimes, i think humans are too clever for their own good.
And that includes me too.