Extracting Wisdom

This is the longest break I have had since 2020 started - 5 days MC this week woohooo!~
Courtesy to my wisdom teeth extraction surgery.  

It was kinda scary, but I must say my dentist did a great job as I didn't feel any pain after the anaesthesia wore off. 

What have I been doing the past few days?

Honestly, 2020 has been all about work for me and the most ironic thing is, I'm not getting bonus this year for all the work I've done... 

But life is difficult for everyone this year and I am so blessed that my family has not been affected much by the pandemic.

In fact, I would say we even became closer >.< 

Nowadays, I enjoy talking and spending time with my dad for a few hours in the evening.

I've also not spent so much time at home since god knows when hahaha

Now I am such a homebody, something I never imagined I would become, just like many other things and thoughts that have changed over the past few months. 

2020 has been such a major roller coaster, in every possible aspect.

I hope 2021 will be a much better year, for everyone. 

突然发现，如果我们还在一起的话，今天是我们的2周年。

可惜，没如果。

Citizens' Workgroup

Most of the posts here are on my personal life but seldom do I share about my work

Although this year, most of my time is spent working haha..

This is my 3rd year in my current agency already and this year I worked the most and had a big portfolio that was shown in the news as well as POHs attending the last session of the event, which was finally done today!

Throughout the past 4 months (and way earlier when we started on this journey), it was such a long journey with our 50 to eventual 36 participants.

And the first time we did digital engagements via Zoom and Mural as well as holding physical sessions under COVID-19 regulations... it was so challenging omg. 

Was the first time I did hybrid events too - via Zoom and live streaming on FB live. I learnt so much but the biggest take away is teamwork is the most important.  Honestly, throughout this entire journey I have had so much help and support from everyone else - ThinkPlace facilitators, my CEPD, media team mates, SFA resource persons, Subject Matter Experts that were invited and last but the most important - Vincent Koh, best supporting right hand man. 

Today is not the end but the start of the end, and there is tons of work ahead for us to do.  BUT, for tonight, I can finally rest easy, with a thankful heart. :)

飛鳥和蟬

 

你骄傲的飞远，我凄息的夏天

听不见的宣言，重复过很多年

北维线的思念北季风吹远

吹远默念的侧脸

吹远鸣唱的诗篇

飞鸟在天上飞，蝉的天地却在地下，他们终究不属于一个世界。两个不同世界的人，相遇注定只是短暂的，因为悬殊太大，注定只是彼此之间的过客，最后也不过是相识一场。我们总是只顾着喜欢，却忘记了合不合适。慢慢的我们就明白了，相遇不一定有结局，但一定有意义，当初没有办法在一起的人，其实就是错的人，美好的回忆留在心里珍藏，不好的就当做是提前教会你不容易。我们心里都有一个很远又很近的人，可能大概就像飞鸟和蝉一样，到头来，只能是个遗憾。

- x

原来，我曾经认识你

还是很想你，

非常，非常想你。

我会非常有耐心的遗忘对你的感情。

总有一天，再想起你时，一切都只是一段美好的回忆。

‘啊，原来我曾经认识你’ 

We meet people for a reason, a season or a lifetime

I'm a sentimental person, saying goodbye has never been easy for me.
The only other heartbreak that took me close to 3 years to be alright was HD.
And that was just a friend.
I wonder how long will this heartbreak take.

Lessons

1) Do not be friends with your ex immediately (or think you can) post break up

I overestimated myself. But deep down, my 'friendship' came with expectations that we will end up together again, or somehow I can convince him too once he sees how much chemistry we have.
But turns out, I couldn't and being friends just prolonged the pain and prevented me from moving on.

2) You should never have to talk someone into dating you

And you can't either.
The other party must be a willing party else the relationship wouldn't work, and will just feel overly pressurised.

3) Don't stay with people who aren't dying to be with you

There are a lot of reasons relationships doesn't end up with a happy ending.
The reasons matter less than the outcome - which is they are not dying to be with you.
Just that sole point alone, means the relationship wouldn't work out.

So, I'm finally taking the right steps toward healing.
No contact, no social media.
And writing down my own personal goals to achieve, amidst this COVID-19 pandemic.

#This too shall pass

On the fence about having children

One of the reason D and I broke up was because of children and how our vision of life and values are too different.

I never envisioned a life without children, because babies are cute and to me, a family and marriage must have kids. 

However, recently I had a change in thoughts.  

Not because of any grand reasons like climate change, want a better life for children in the future but more of I don't think I will be a good mother based on my temper now. 

One of my biggest fear is becoming someone like my mother.

But temper wise, I am extremely like her - reactive, defensive, accusatory and jumps to conclusions. 

I realised how damaging it is to a person's self worth and esteem, and the reason for doing so is less of the other person but because I feel hurt. 

Do I want to become a mother like that and hurt my child? Nope, I don't want this to continue on. 

And, I realised how important the family environment is to nurturing loving children who can ingrain and contribute to society. 

It all starts from the family and home. 

Material wise, my family is doing alright. Maybe on the surface people even think our family is good. 

But internally, there are so many issues. 

I think at it's core, my mum just has her bias towards me. Whatever I do, will never be good enough. 

Whereas for my bro, he doesn't have to do anything and she still compliments him. 

But, I have decided to recognise, it is not me, it is her. My mum grew up in an unloving family too. 

And it is this cycle, that will continue to perpetuate if nothing is done. 

To me, I want to find a loving, respectful and caring partner who shares my life vision and grows with me. And, that partner is more important than the child. If I remain single for life, I wouldn't want a child as well. 

Is marriage on the plate? Yes, I would still love to get married. 

Marriage to females is a sense of security as it is a commitment.  But, I've decided not to force it. 

If I have the chance to be in love with someone who loves me at the same time again, this time I wouldn't force it and will just let things be.

28 in CB

Happy 28th Birthday to me! 

This year is special, because it's spent in Circuit Breaker mode...

Normally, I will be either overseas or in staycations but this year.

I had zero expectations, and it totally exceeded everything. 

I am very very thankful to every single person who wished me Happy Birthday
And amazed by the C.S.I skills some of my friends have in finding out my home address and sending the following sweets:

Thanks for the Bloombox flowers and Muyoo BBTs from Kit 

4 jars of Grin Affair cakes from my fav 'mean girls' in office - Shuzhen and Ginny.. without those girls life in my office would have been very bland...

Thanks for adding so much joy for the past 2.5 years :)

And my sweetest HDB girls Cheryl BB and Rachel BB

They are the real legendary CSIs, I teared when seeing their Bud Box and Luna cakes omg

And another 2 CSIs experts - Caitlin and YMM

So thankful for these girls for brightening my days in the office #loveu4eva

And 大坏蛋 Hui Juan also somehow managed to find my address and send YOLE over

Thank you 

And a big thank you to Darius as well...

Someone delivered my fav chai latte and carrot cake over but didn't leave a note or name

omg then I was kinda frustrated and even called SB to try finding out who it is

Actually I guessed it could have been him as not many people know what drink I like, but then it's kinda odd to assume so I left it be...

Turns out it was really him. 

Thank you ^^

Thank you to my family, bff Val and everyone who wished me happy birthday today too~

Special thanks to my DAD, I will be nothing without you

I'm blessed because of all of you

It is what it is, whatever will be will be

Someday, I hope I can look at our photos without a twinge of sadness.

What's harder than letting go of you, is my image of you and the memories we had. 

I wanted to blog about Bali, the trip we took in Sep last year for the birthday boy. 

But looking at the photos, it's mostly us haha

It wasn't the best trip, because I recall being angry at him over the fact he wanted to nua and not wanting to try riding the scooters due to danger

But, it was still a fun trip overall. 

I'm not a beach person, and it was my first time wearing bikini for the trip.

Doubt I'll do another Bali trip haha

On day 2 I booked a day tour for us to a few scenic places and Wayan our tour guide was like the best IG bf 

He spammed so many photos of us (me mostly actually)

Mandatory Bird's Nest post in Bali

There were so many Wayans in Bali, then I got to learn Balinese pple name their sons/daughters according to their positions at birth.  The first born is named Wayan, meaning eldest. 

We had so many Babi dishes in Bali, including street side satays

Bali is real good for cafe hopping too at Seminyak.

 Sisterfield's Cafe

Haha my thoughts are all over the place, think it's still too premature for me to look at all the photos

And he could still tell me so calmly that he was looking at past photos and the food speaks out to him

Guys and girls really move on at different pace ah. Or rather, the one who loves more (or got broken up with) tends to take longer to move on. 

I thought I'm over him, he is really not on my mind all the time now. 

Just that when he does slip through or I start thinking about our good times last year, that's when it starts hurting again. 

Thank you, for everything we had. 

It is what it is, whatever will be will be. 

Circuit Breaker x 2

Never thought I will experience 2 pandemics in my lifetime. 

First was SARs when I was in P5/6 way back in 2003...

For that I can only recall sch closure for a week and taking temperature every day, that's all.

But this COVID-19 is on a whole new level.

Everywhere in the world people are on lock down and quarantining to ensure social distancing so the virus does not spread further. 

For me, I've been WFH for close to a month, which looks like it is going to be extended for another month till 1 June. 

The entire experience is so surreal =/ and cabin fever is a real phenomenon which I never knew could exist. 

Sigh, in the blink of an eye, 6 months of 2020 will be gone. 

The feeling is soooo weird omg >.<  

But to be only battling isolation and boredom is a privilege in this times of crisis. 

I'm also honoured to be working 5.5 days a week (being a safe distancing ambassador on weekends now)...

Comparing 2019 vs 2020 me, I never knew life could become so different.

As always, whenever I thought I had life figured out, it throws a curveball at me and throws me off balance haha

With this WFH, it seems like I can't sleep before 1.30am lol

My whole sleep cycle is totally wrecked >.<

I still miss him, sometimes.

Just, he is no longer persistently on my mind.

I've been talking to 2 new guys throughout this CB period - S and R

R reminds me quite a bit of D, that's when I realised I've been unknowingly comparing them...

But if you ask me, I don't think the timing is right for either of them or anyone haha

Guess it's just lonely hearts and freshness in meeting someone new

I wonder when my heart will be full again...

失恋82天

今天是我失恋的第82天。
日子变了好多。。。因为疫情我们都在家工作。
应该很快外面都出不去了。

Seems like my head made a decision to move on, but heart is not relenting.
So, I asked him out on Mon for dinner and he agreed. But I can feel he totally does not care about me anymore and the distance between us is so wide now.
It doesn't do me any good because it's quite obvious he has moved on, I should too.

I still tear and cry about him sometimes, because I was so happy last year this time, I can't believe it's just 1 year and I am so miserable now.
Maybe all along I've put too much of my happiness in other people's hands, that when I'm all single and alone, idk how to be happy anymore.
Could be because of this social isolation right now too, the whole world feels like it is going into chaos.

2020 is such a good number for such a bad year.

I wish, I can go back to 2019. So far, the best year of my 28 years of life.

Holding on doesn't do me any good. So, if I do not meet anyone else who can make me love him like he did, I will just remain single.

Life is too short, be happily single ZY.  You were for 24 years, what makes this different?

失恋第82天，我已经哭了6个月了。从他和我说不要孩子那刻起，我就开始哭。
差别在于，我现在不在别人面前哭了。我也不和朋友们聊起他。

但，我的心还是很痛。我希望时间能过快一点，把我的悲伤带走吧。

Dating?

I've been using dating apps again on and off for the past month.
This time round I tried Okcupid, and I actually matched a guy and met him (S) earlier this month for an art jamming session.
S is a very nice guy, outgoing and ambitious too. The fact that he works in public service also makes it quite easy to converse with him.
However, I was not physically attracted to him... and I just told him about the fact that I am emotionally unavailable haha

Subsequently, I met WJ off CMB, who can actually be considered my FASS senior.
He is a fun person, easy to talk to.  We spent a long evening over dinner and ice cream ytd.
And he was gentlemanly enough to send me home even though he stays in the East (coz he drove, out of so many guys I've dated he is only the second guy who has a car).
I guess, I quite enjoyed talking to him? So I had my expectations haha although I did feel our texting was rather contrived.
And today, he did not reply my texts, which made me slightly disappointed but on hindsight, I'm actually glad he did not. 

And over ytd's convo, I realised I have yet to move on.
What then, are my intentions on the dating apps?  Is it really to know someone new? Or just to find a replacement?
The latter is more likely haha
And... until the day I learn how to be happily single again, it is quite difficult for me to enter another rs, especially when I'm still reeling from the remorse of the previous rs.

For the past 3 years, I've not been single longer than 4 months.  It was one rs after another.
Today, after the emotional uproar I felt following the 'rejection' from WJ, I realise it is really me not being able to be single and be alone by myself.
I constantly need someone to be with me and rely on them.

Maybe loneliness is the reason.  I should learn to sit with myself and my loneliness, maybe that's when I will be able to hold myself responsible for my own happiness and that's when I can manage my expectations.

COVID-19

SG announced all entertainment outlets will be shut down until Apr 30.
This COVID-19 is everywhere, surrounding my work, life.
Feels like life is on a standstill...
Which sorta fits how I feel internally.

2020 started off bad and the whole world is suffering.
I hope this pandemic will tide over soon.

*fingers-crossed*

Moving On

I've been super 纠结over the past 1 month...
Over whether I should get him back or not.
Only to realise, honestly there is no need to.
He has already moved on, and the issues will still be there. 
I should not want him back just because of a fear of being alone for life.
As much as I do agree that is a very scary thought and I will work on it for a long time, but this break up on hindsight will be a blessing in disguise if I grow from it.

It's been 2 months, and I've been crying for 5 months (since Nov last year actually).
Life is not a comparison, if this is how I process my emotions, so be it.
I need to stop blaming myself for still pinning over him.

So, today 15 March. I've decided to move on.
And by moving on, means no more texts, no more meet ups. Closing this chapter of my life.
For the past 2 months, we've still been texting and meeting up once in awhile.
Perhaps he can be friends, but for me, it just makes the heart ache worst thereafter.

Is better if it's out of sight, out of mind. 

And to whoever I meet in the future when I'm ready, I know you will not be the same as him and it will be another different kind of rs.
To be prepared to meet you, I will move on and be in a better state of mind and open hearted to give love another shot.
Honestly I have no idea when that day will arrive haha
Coz I'm still crying over him.
But moving on, is just a decision.  This will be a test of my mental discipline, self resilience and growth.

思念是一种病 (ii)

以为最难的那坎已经过了
但是，却是一碰就碎的自我安慰。。。
失恋真的好痛苦，觉得我最恨的敌人我都不希望发生在他／她身上。

Watched this video, and it says if you really miss someone, write out what you wish to tell him about
So, here I am haha
I went Grey for a meeting this afternoon and after the meeting, I had such a strong urge to ask him out for dinner
Only to realise he is no longer mine and our lives no longer intertwine.

Maybe it's because there's distance, now that I can see clearer, all I can focus on are his good points.
And how magical it was when we started...
Good memories are really the bane when a relationship ends zzzzz

I just have to remind myself, to put things into perspective.
That he stopped loving me, he was emotionless, the person I fell in love with was just a facade he put up.
The real him was not who he was, and not someone I can accept.
He didn't want kids, we do not have a similar future ahead.  And there never was a 'us'.

So no matter how badly you miss him, do not text, do not contact, do not ask him out.
Today, you did well ZY.  3 claps for you.

I miss you. 

Tmr, you will do better :)

Jiayou!

Be kind to yourself

Grieving seems to be a non-linear thing

Just when I thought I was better, V day hits and another 3 days of crying resumes

Things seem to feel bad again because I received another terrible news last Fri.

Right after the break up, I received the opportunity to interview for a job that I really wanted 

And I was so close to getting it because they started doing reference checks...

Only to receive the news last Fri that the position may be on hold

It literally felt like another door just slammed in my face.

My dad has been a great support

While conversing with him, I stated that I feel terrible because nth seems to be going right

Or put in other terms, things are not going the way I want. 

And then he pointed out - most things in life do not go the way you want them to. 

I have realised, my personality and character is like this - I want things to go the way I want

Yet, I lack the tact and strategy to make people do the things I want, so I am doomed to be unhappy. 

And also, there are a lot of things in life that is beyond our control.

The trick to happiness is to recognise and accept life is difficult, and to do what is within our control (our response (not reactions) and hard work) and accept what we can't. 

And to find our mini joys in life. 

Saying is easier than done. My self-entitled personality, I don't think it will change much. 

But,  I can change the thoughts in my mind and being aware whenever I get into that negative space in my head again. 

Too many hard pills to swallow. 

To get over this grieving process and find my acceptance, the first step I'm going to do is to be kind to myself. 

Lessons in Love (2)

Lessons in Love (1)

2018

Mr Chim

You know the love is not real

When letting go was so easy

Guilt was the only feeling left

in the shadow of our past 

Motivations in love is really important

please, do not use another person to forget a heart break

2019

Buddy

I loved you, earnestly and truly 

I loved your sincerity

I loved your patience and kindness

I loved your cooking and being the best IG BF

I loved our chemistry
I loved the security you gave me

You were everything I wanted and needed, at the start

But things changed, we changed

Or maybe, we just became who we really are

And who we really are, was fundamentally a mismatch

Mismatched expectations, mismatched priorities, mismatched values

Mismatched timing

I am too much for you, and you are not enough for me

Thank you, for the memories
感觉自己很像做了一场很美丽的梦
现在，我们只是最熟悉的陌生人

xoxo

What I've learnt, is that I don't know how to manage my expectations

or to really respect another person

I just want what I want, and I don't even know how to ask for it 

When I'm in love, I become a kid and so irrational

Maybe, I'm not suitable for love after all

思念是一种病

前天，我梦见你了。
在梦里，我们两人还在一起，牵手，拥抱。
天亮了，梦醒了，真实的世界已没有了你。

今天，我又想你了。
想说这一次的失恋我觉得我做的还不错。
没把自己喝醉，没有用dating apps 找一位替代品，哭点也没那么多了，现在唯一的不足就是失眠。。。还有联系你。
想说不联系最好，但是今天又因为武汉肺炎，新加坡买不到口罩然后问你能不能帮忙在马来西亚买。。。
有必要吗？呵呵
看来下次我头脑要动的比手快。

你也很温和的回答了我，但是此刻你的温柔对我却是一种残忍。
也许你真的能做朋友吧，我却扪心自问，发现我唯一会和你做朋友的理由是因为我还放不下，希望有天会再在一起。
但是，又何必呢？如果你真的爱我的话，就不会那么轻易的放弃，并选择自己。
为了一个不珍惜我的人那么伤心，真的不值得。

兜兜绕绕，到头来还是因为你不爱自己，所以不懂得如何爱别人。
这次的沉淀，先学会好好真正的爱自己吧。
我给我自己6个月，到28岁生日时，就是再次出击的时刻。

幸福就在眼前，放下才能拥有。

个人失恋进度表

It's page 23/365 for the year 2020
Today is not such a good day for me.
I've came to realise, I've been trying to heal at incredulous speed.
Because deep within me, I think he has already moved on and I don't want to be stuck myself in the past.

But healing from a heartbreak is a deeply personal issue.
Everyone has their own timeline.
It's 2 steps forward, 1 step back for me today.
And that is alright, tomorrow I will take another step.

It's not a competition, he doesn't matter anymore.
Just heal your own heart, and love yourself.

Happy CNY.

The Last Post

Darius and I broke up after 1 year together.
There's only 1 reason when a couple get together and that is loving each other.
But a 1000 and 1 reasons why a couple decides to end things.

I've been trying to give myself my own closure this past few days.
But the cold hard truth remains that he chose himself over us, and perhaps me picking the quarrels leading up to our eventual break up was the straw that broke the camels back.

There were mistakes, made by both of us.  For him, after the honeymoon period, I could not feel his love for me anymore. His efforts diminished and more and more of the real him showed up.
For me, I became more calculative and kept demanding him to change to become what I want. I said I accepted his ex and him being friends but did I really? Our last furious quarrel was over his ex too.

I did not give him the love he could understand, neither did he give me mine.

What really drove a wedge and broke the trust, was his sudden change of mind about kids.
Out of nowhere, he said he decides not to have kids.
It was his attitude, in making decisions that broke my trust - to him, he gives in terms of small issues like what food to eat, paying for meals etc.
But when it comes to major life decisions, his plans has no us in the picture.
It will be him making a decision and then informing me. It was never a decision that we made together while discussing hey, can we not consider having kids?

For me, I keep rehashing our last few quarrels. I said many harsh words and things I did not mean.
I could not keep my temper and kept venting on him and making our dates filled with negativity.
He had enough, he was so pissed he felt like he was going to snap.

And he decided to break up with me.
For once, I cried and asked for another shot. But his decision has been made.
He broke up with me respectfully, meeting me in person and gave me a closure - he just wants to be alone and it would be better for us in the long run because the kids issue will come up again.  And he doesn't love me anymore.
To me, he just chose himself.

Part of me feels super 不甘心.
Why didn't he choose me? Is it I'm not good enough for him?
And I really really admire and love his character, he is still that sincere and respectful and loyal man I met at the start.  And he apologises first when I get angry if he knows he is in the wrong.  He never got defensive.
I lost a gem, one i'm not sure if I can ever find again.

What this one year taught me, was that a relationship really takes 2 hands to clap.
And it is so fragile.  People can just change like that.

During the relationship, Darius keeps telling me to do things for myself.
I did learn quite a bit from him, just he took things to the extreme.
To him, everyone is replaceable. Cold hard truth and logic.  Maybe it is a logic I need to sink into my mind. I only have myself, so be kinder to myself.

I miss him, I really do. It's a heart wrenching kind of pain, and also filled with fear for the future without him.

But now, I'm closing this chapter.  Thank you for the happy memories, I will bring them with me for life.
I hope the day will come soon, when you are not the first or the last thought on my mind.
And I hope I become a more secure me, who truly knows my boundaries and deal breakers and love myself more.

For the first time in 3 years, I'm staying away from dating apps and talking about relationships.
I am going to talk about me and not about the guys I date. 

I am going to be happy single, for as long as it takes.